A book I'm reading about DID (The Girls He Adored by Jonathan Nasaw) has offered some possibly insight into my own alters/system. It would appear that when 'insiders' are in love, they become stronger, which allows them to push their emotions to the front. This makes sense, and explains why I get strange feelings 'blending' into mine and why they are so difficult to resist - the strength of the feelings makes the alter strong enough to overpower or nearly overpower my feelings and willpower.

Say what I might about being helpless without therapy, but I think I'm progressing a bit by myself. Awareness of alters and the above knowledge beats back when I had no idea what was going on in my head.

Jodi x

Okay, this is weird. I remembered that when I was 13ish, I was part of some spiritualist forum where they all believed in spirit guides and all that crap. I joined in, I followed all their guidelines in order to try to 'talk to' my guide. Now, I remembered actaully talking to this guide in my head. I couldn't remember what he was called though so I hunted dwon the website, here is my post:

"I just tried to meet my guide by clearing my mind and visualising myself of the beach. I imagined an energy force and I kept asking it questions like I had read on a few websites. I said 'What is your name?' and the name Peter instantly came into my head. When I had been there for a few minutes my hands started to tingle and I felt as if they were numb, but when I opened my eyes they were normal'.

It's weird because, before I revisited the forum, I couldn't remember this, but now I can. I used to talk to him in my head at school etc. Also, the "tingly, numb hands" is something I get when someone's switching or trying to switch now.

Also another weird thing is that, around this time, I started having memories that weren't mine. Memories of combat, fighting in British DPMs, guns. But the memories seem to come like I was suffering some type of PTSD. at the time I was really interested in teh military, in the air cadets, wanted to join the army etc. First time I ever shot a rifle the officer was extremely impressed. I also hated Germans at that time too. I used to rant about them and WW2. It seemed unreasonable.

Oh well. Got a letter today from Dr Anderson saying she would keep me updated about the second opinion. Hope they hurry and I hope the new psych is decent and doesn't ignore me and twist my words like the other one.

Jodi x

Sophie seems to think she has come onto something. She thinks that it is only possible for us to fall in love with people who are abusive or who don't treat us well.

She felt "in love" with Fred a while ago, when he was raping her, but when he stopped her feelings disappeared. I've noticed my feelings are always stronger at the start of relationships when the other person is not declaring their undying love for me or is holding back. Like Joe always acted like he was one step above me, and Mike acted like he didn't like me, both at the start of the relationships when my feelings felt like they were out of control. So I guess the problem seems to be that I just can't let myself be happy. Or on some unconscious level I want to be abused (SOPHIE!!!)

Anyway, I was posting on the forum about the random resurfacing of feelings for Craig and constant hatred of DFGIB. Una thinks that my hatred for her is a 'trailhead' to some unconscious issue held by one of the other alters. Don't know if this is true or not but it's worth a mention if I ever get therapy.

Also, if that is a trailhead, I think being kissed on the neck is, too. It always either really turns me on or really repulses me. My dad and grandad (who Sophie claims sexually abused her as a kid) have done it since I was young. Sometimes if a boyfriend or if my dad does it (still does, rarely) it sends horror right through my body. Or if a boyfriend is kissing my neck sometimes a feeling of despair will come over me and I don't know why... My driving instructor kissed me on the neck once, too. Yuk. That WAS wrong.

Still getting the occasional burst of elated moods thanks to the meds. Wonder if they'd be constant if I had a higher dose? I miss the 3 months of constant euphoria where I felt unstoppable. Don't miss the headaches though, lol.

I believe I've figured out an unconscious link for why I get so upset when doctors dont' take my seriously about my symptoms (mental health or otherwise). It possibly stems from my mam never taking me seriously when I was a kid. Whenever I was ill she would accuse me of faking. I had 100% attendance for most of my school life because she would never let me stay off when I was ill. Whenever I'd cry I'd get mocked and accused of 'crocodile tears' or 'turning on the waterworks' to get my own way (this continued until I was kicked out when I was 17).

I told her I was depessed when I was 15 and she yelled at me and told me not to be stupid, teenagers have nothing to be depressed about. Also when I was having anger issues she didn't take me seriously and didn't take me to the doctors for a whole year to see about it, saying that she 'works with kids with real anger problems' and that I didn't have them, even though my actual problems were distressing me a lot. (My psychologist pulled her up for that and called her an unsupportive parent).

There was also when I wanted a sex change (I blame Aaron for this haha) where she told me there was no way I could have a gender identity disorder (which made the dysphoria worse), laughed at me for self harming and kicked me out.

So yes, I believe her invalidation is the cause of my desperation for validation now. Which may be to blame for why diagosis is a necessity for me, and also to why I can get suicidal when doctors dismiss my symptoms as nothing. It's probably why I'm also always convinced that I'm faking, and also why I don't find it easy to stand up for myself when a doctor or psych nurse says something I disagree with.

A good point was made earlier; a diagnosis allows you proof to yourself and others that you aren't lying or making it up. Denial is something I have a big problem with. I keep managing to convince myself that I'm just making it all up. The ######6 psychiatrists deliberately downplaying everything I tell them doesn't help either. They really manage to convince me sometimes that I'm just imagining it all and that I'm just ######6 insane. It just makes me worse.

Although I doubt...

[ Continued ]

Man, I'm bored. Kazine's messed up sleeping pattern has got me still awake at half 2 in the morning and we probably won't be able to get to sleep until like, 6am or something... The not sleeping annoys me a tad. I like sleeping through the night but she gets so bored if she wakes up too early which doesn't make sense tbh because more people are awake at 10am than 6am.

Soph xxx

Two days ago I got put on fluoxetine by my GP. She sadly seems to be under the impression that the idiot Doctor Watson is right about what's wrong with me' "Mild to Moderate Recurrent Depressive Disorder". In my friend Andrew's words, 'Yeah, mild...' Last time I checked, ridiculously elated moods and alternate personalities were not listed under symptoms of 'depression' in the DSM-IV.

Things have been difficult lately with geting used to my alters, and in fact being an alter. I've been learning that a lot of the strong, transient emotions I feel are actually that of alters. Like when I'm 'suddenly' in love with Craig again, and plot how to murder the DFGIB... Apparently, Sophie is responsible for that. Georgia hates Matt but still likes my ex, Joe. Little Sophie isn't over our nanna's death. There's also the fact that when I 'wanted a sex change' I 'just knew' that my name should be Aaron.

Anyway, for the most part, I can only speculate as to what's going on up there. I wonder how many moer there is? I was happy with just me, Sophie and Aaron but more just kept showing up! It's like having a little family in my head.

Anyway, yes. The fluoxetine seems to trigger my elated moods back up... Not complaining. Not depressed anymore! I wonder what my GP will say when I tell her about this...

Jodi x