Just wanted to write about something. Being on mood stabilizers is weird because I kind of forget what it's like to be unstable. Every so often I'll remember something about how I used to be before starting them and be really grateful I'm not that way anymore. For example, I just now remembered the constant fear I felt about my depression suddenly returning. I don't feel that anymore. I don't feel so anxious and worried all of the time. Fear of my mental illness isn't taking over my life. It's amazing. I love my moods being normal.

Jodi x

Never felt more stable in my life than I've felt over these past 2 weeks. Seroquel is now at 100mg and I just feel so amazingly calm.

The other day with Little Sophie didn't work out too great; although I am sure that she changes age. Matt tied her up etc but he put our collar on too tight and she felt sick and started having a panic attack so he let her down. She calmed down but could not talk, and started acting like a kid again. Maybe the reason she panicked was because she changed back into her child mentality. Regardless, she ended up feeling quite derealized.

Jodi x

Kaz was meant to be having a nap until Matt got back from college but I think I have a better idea. I'm going to have a shower and get nice and lean so he can tie me from the beam in our bedroom and use me for as long as he wants . Rather looking forward to it. I love being tied up. Says he's going to take pictures of me too.

Not much else to write really except that I still seem to be in a more mature mindset than that of a 5 year old which I guess is a really quite good thing.

Sophie xxx

These meds are working a treat. Went up to 75mg the night Sophie lost it on the 1st and by the end of the week I'll have enough meds to go up to 200mg although obviously that will have to be increased gradually. I feel so calm though. It's making me very lazy though haha.

I'm toying with the idea of hanging my name. Since we established that Laura is 'Toni' it is making more sense to me that I've always hated my name and not related to it so I have decided to pick a name for myself - Jodi. Whether or not I have the guts to implement my new name into my life is another thing entirely.

I noticed something weird yesterday; along with having no real memories of my home life before aged 7, I realised I don't remember learning to ride a bike. This is weird because it feels like something I should be able to remember although Matt pointed out the likelihood that it wasn't me who learned. Still feels strange to me though.

Weirdest thing happened the other night (01/09/11). When Sophie was very elated, she took our meds and they didn't seem to kick in or affect her. Eventually I switched back. After a few minutes the elated moods completely disappeared and I was absolutely exhausted... This leaves me wondering whether Sophie has worse elated moods than me, or whether the meds don't work/aren't as effective for her.

Oh well. My sleeping pattern is currently at about 12 hours per night, 10pm-10am. If I start waking up much earlier I'm going to have to bump up to 100mg. Being awake for any more than 12 hours a day is just too much for me, haha.

Jodi x

Mood's pretty f*cking high right now. I'm getting quite excitable, think we're getting used to the 50mg dose of seroquel and need to increase to 75mg or 100mg. Matt suggests doing so on Tuesday. I feel really good and pretty and I'm singing and everything . Getting higher and higher as time goes by too! Think I will take 75mg tonight then move up to 100mg on Tuesday!

Matt's getting really mad at me for not taking meds but I don't wanna! I don't wanna go to sleep yet I'm enjoying feeling ecstatic. In fact I've never felt like this since the day I hooked up with Lord Ryan and wound up in hospital!

Soph xxx