I just... Tonight I feel rather... Needy. In terms of my rape fantasy, if that's what you call it... I just feel, wrong, because I'm not being dominated and forced to do things I don't want to. I wish I could describe the strange comfort I get from the feeling of being raped.

Urgh, I'm craving it a fair bit. I just wish Fred would stop being a f*cking pussy and trying to be all friendly with me. I don't want a friend, I want an abuser, simply put. Yeah you can tell me I'm "re-enacting past abuse" all you like. I know who did it, I can't remember specifics, btu I was definitely not raped! Ever! So I'm not re-enacting some suppressed memory.

Ugh I need that feeling. It's so f*cking addictive. I wish I could describe it.

I was originally meant to write in here about my concerns but I guess I got a bit carried away.

My Concerns:
I seem to be the only person into the idea of being raped for real. Most girls with rape fantasies want it to happen when they're actually consenting and playing along. Not really rape is it? More like roleplay. I really dislike that. It's fake and pathetic. I need the real thing. Funny how Matt thought I was 'just playing along' when Fred was actually genuinely raping me without a clue that I actually didn't want it at the time.

Back to the point - I actually want to be raped - not just a fantasy. And goddammit I could do with it right now.

Soph xxx