I'm tired and I feel like I lied

What would be proof of DID to you?

You sound like you do not know yourself, you just brush everything off as "not DID".

~ Theia ~

Rive, you say you feel like you lied. I believe that's completely true. Not that you lied, that you feel like you did. I don't get that you deliberately lie here. Your confusion about it all is evident in most of your posts and it's very human.

It's clear to me that [1] you're looking for proof that you have DID. What also seems clear to me is that [2] you're actively seeking proof that you don't have DID.

In a way, these are two sides of the same coin, but they can be at cross purposes. I think together they're putting you in a loop, one that many of us are familiar with, but one that's not especially fun.

Do you think 1 & 2 are both accurate? Your take on that may help me figure out how to offer support.

I want to be DID because that would explain all this chatter, the behaviors that I have acted on etc. I dont want to be labeled DID because I dont want to be a liar. Everyone talks about this communication I dont have. I've been dealing with the chatter for 6 months. I should have more communication by now. They are mainly nonsensical which points to more that they are intrusive thoughts, random thoughts. Whatever you want to call them. My alters only have like one emotion. It makes so much sense that they could be fragmented parts not alters.

Rive, communication is not something they build for you to enjoy while you ignore it. The amount of communication you have achieved with that amount of ignoring is super high.

It's no different from outside world. Think about the situation where someone new comes to you and tells their name and age to you to get to know you. You respond with I hear voices in here, but they're probably just delusion because how am I supposed to know. So she goes away. Next time you see, when you're sitting outside, she comes to you again and says oh my, it's cold in there and shivers. You say it's not cold to me, so the person I hear must be a delusion, what she says makes no sense, because it's not cold to me.

She knows you've once jumped from the window trying to hurt yourself and next time you see she sees you leaning out of window. She yells no no no no! and you still think it doesn't make any sense, because she should've known you were not thinking about jumping this time. Like she should just magically know it. Therefor you have now officially decided she is not a real person, and at the same time tell that you know it, because if she would be, you would be friends already. Do you really think it's easy to get friends with you when that's the way you behave? You also think you know they have nothing but one feeling, like it's something you can tell from someone whose communication you refuse to understand.

That is how communication is to me too, it's just a picture from inside where you see someone. It's a feeling or thought that does not make sense to me, and that is how I know it's not mine. If you make excuses why that is not real communication, that is never ending road. Don't you see you're using both ways as a proof against DID? If it feels like yours, it's just you. If it doesn't feel like yours, it must be yours too. You will NEVER find any proof about your DID outside of yourself, because it's all in your mind, and that is why all evidence is just in your mind too. You believe it, or ignore it, and it's your call. The rest of us have nothing more than you do. We just believe them and that's why we talk about it differently. I would tell the story like this: I found out about new (?) part today, Her name is Susie and she's 3. And you'd see it and think I have something you don't. Only thing I have, is less denial and willingness to understand them the best I can.

I care about them. I care about them way more than about proof.

When did I say anything about jumping out of a window?

Rive wrote:When did I say anything about jumping out of a window?

You're doing it to me too, now and several times before, and everyone else who tries to talk to you. I won't let you do that and let you change the subject because of something that has nothing to do with the point I was making. I believe you don't even try to understand what the point in my answer was, or in anything anyone says. Instead of listening, you focus on finding mistakes. That is your problem, the behavior you need to stop and start listening to what people, outside and inside of you, actually say. Do you understand what was the point in what I wrote?

I dont know what to believe anymore I really dont. I have someone from here pming me telling me I might not have DID. People here telling me I do. I dont know what to believe anymore and I'm tired. I just know when I ignore them I dont have random thoughts as much.

Rive wrote:I dont know what to believe anymore I really dont. I have someone from here pming me telling me I might not have DID. People here telling me I do. I dont know what to believe anymore and I'm tired. I just know when I ignore them I dont have random thoughts as much.

Right. And when I ignore people who are actually talking to me, they don’t talk to me as much. What happens when you ignore them tells you nothing about them. At all.

It’s exactly what Floralie said. Please study her reply to you and try to understand what she’s telling you. Also, Johnny-Jack is trying to help you as well. A lot of us are, and you dismiss us as well. I think that’s part of why we keep trying to help you—we feel compassion for those parts who you are ignoring. The more you post, the more real they seem to us, and we’re trying to help ALL of you!

I feel like I embellished though and then therefore deceived all of you. I mean I haven't told any lies. Its just that all these names started rushing in and I asked ages but they just seemed like they were coming from me but I wrote about them here and then everybody started thinking I had DID and now all my treatment providers do. Then I have this person pming from here that said maybe yall think I have DID because I did mention names from the chatter, ages etc and they just might be intrusive thoughts. That I dont have enough evidence to know yet. That my alters may just be parts because they arent distinct and that I dont actually switch. Just maybe have alter bleeding if I had alters at all. I feel like I'm a hamster trying to get through a maze and can never get to the end (the real answer)

Well there's an easy solution to that. Stop receiving their PMs and stop being an easy victim to people like that. They're not the authority to tell about amounts of evidence to someone who has been diagnosed by specialist.

They're being ridiculous, they know that, and that is why they don't do it openly in here. They know what would happen to them, because people in here are not easy victims. To them, it's probably a joke. Some have crueler sense of humor than others.