[life journey thread]Tales from the WorldTree

~Okay, so, I guess it might be useful to do that?

~I'm Theia! I'm the core of the WorldTree. In fact, I am the WorldTree. I am its dryad. Hammadryad? Nymph? Whatever.

~I'm me! And the WorldTree. I organize the inner world! SO I call myself the "core" since I am the WorldTree and the innerworld.

~So, here we are. Finally through! It's good to be through and reach consciousness! Dam didam.

~And to introduce the gang!

~Zami is the host! They are the main fronter, that is. They try to pretend they act tough and protector and stuff but I guess they are poly-fractured? They carry all the trauma. I mean, used to carry it. All by themself. Keeping us all away from front so that they would be the only one suffering. Pretending it would save us. And save others outside too, if they were the one attracting all the bad on themself so it would not land on others.

~I guess Zami is polyfractured? Or faceted? They act and feel childish sometimes, and sometimes ageless. Sometimes very adult, wise, and sometimes just... a bit silly? It could also be the autism showing. Zami is autistic. And proud of it! It makes them awesome. Veeery focused on their work. Full of interesting ideas. Always wants to help others and comfort them, yet, completely socially awkward. I guess it shows on a bit of all of us, since that's how the brain is wired. But they're the only one rocking and flapping and with vocal speech difficulties sometimes, and shutdowns/meltdowns due to sensory overloads...

~So I guess the beginning of the story is the story of Zami. You go Zami!
________

--I'm Zami. I'm a qilin otherkin. It means that, for spiritual and psychological reasons, I identify as being a qilin in the body of a human. (a qilin is roughly a chinese unicorn).

--I guess we started dissociating very early. Or rather, I started dissociating from the others, to protect them from the everyday abuses. Like Theia said, I "protect" by being a shield and taking it all. Which is efficient when there is no way to escape from the abuse. But is very unefficient when I am running headfirst into it instead of running away from it. But I'm learning.

--I have memory issues in the meaning that, I carry(ed?) only traumatic memories for very very very long, so Theia had to feed me with the memories of the happy things. Except when it's about my autistic "specific interests". That, it's mine, and I can drown in those for hours. Anyway, it's difficult for me to remember happy things. And when I started having EMDR therapy to treat the PTSD, I started feeling like I could be no-one if I did not have the traumatic memories stuck in my head all the time.

--It was one of many clues that I was not alone. But I always explained them otherwise. That I was victimizing myself with my trauma. That I had selective memory and only remembred bad things because they were more prominent in my life. That I was dissociating / shutting down because autism and trauma and that it was normal and nothing specific. That I was genderfluid and that's why I was feeling different genders depending on the day or situation. That I was having otherkin "cameo-shifts" and that's why I would sometimes feel like a dryad, or a fictive character (a lot of us are introjections), or just a different person. It was "cameo-shifts" or "make-believe". Also, if I was more than one, people would have noticed, right? The psychiatrists would have noticed, right?

--O BOI I was wrong. The psy only saw me because I'm (used to be?) the wreckest of wrecks so I was the one in the most need of therapy. Now I'm doing better. Step by step.

--During the last few years, the gender-fluidity, cameo-shifting and stuff became more and more present, despite my overall mental health becoming better. It was the others trying to reach through. I did not fight back the "cameo-shifts" because I found that interesting to be "someone else" from time to time. I also spent a lot of time blended with Theia, and we sometimes even now have troubles telling each-other appart.

--I became best friend with the host of a system and some of the other members, I'll call them Team PSI because reasons. I guess it all made me more and more ready to accept I'm multiple, too. It even made me yearn for not being alone.

--I had "channeled" in the past, and talked in my head with spirit guides and stuff. So I was starting to be used to have others in my head, coming to visit. Until, one last straw, and...
___________

-X- And here I was. Not pretty happy to begin with. I won't tell you my name, so you can call me X. Zami's life was, in my opinion, a train wreck. Not like it used to be, but, a bit disorganized. Also, Zami was keeping social links "to be polite" and it made them be hurt. And they could not learn from that. I stepped in. And this time, I stayed.

-X- I made myself useful in the house at first. I do not mind. I prefer order and cleanliness to luxury. And I made myself at home, and made it clear I intended to stay. Theia showed herself too, and Zami was temporarily gone, so Theia took charge.

-X- Others started to show up. It was like, a light had been turned on. Most just hang out, like NPCs. Others show up just to have a look and comment. Some, like Wolf, have one thing they like to do - Wolf loves make-up. He has organized a drag show in the innerworld, so he is pretty skilled with make-up.

-X- van H. helps with administration stuff. Focusing on work, when it is something Zami's autistic brain does not agree to doing. (it is difficult to make an autistic person do what they do not 100% want to do). His wife gives a hand sometimes in the house. Ulysses is more interested in psychology, philosophy, etc. and has interesting conversations with some members of Team PSI and residents of the WorldTree.

-X-Back to Zami being gone temporarily.
_________

~~~Theia again!~~~And here I did something smart and intelligend and super-duper-neat! You gotta understand, Zami started as some sort of a big bag or cover or mask, to hide us all, a shield to take all the damage, and that's it. Not a lot of personnality, appart from being autistic, and trying to be all of us together. Oh and a few "I LOVE THAT AND WANT TO KNOW ALL ABOUT IT" but that's part of the autistic package sooo....

~So here was Zami. Like an exploded baloon. Empty and weak while I was organizing all the prancing others and helping them settle in the WorldTree while X and van H. were doing their best to take care of the body stuff. And I did something smart! Yay me!

~I did secret things. Hush, it's secret! It's in the roots of the WorldTree. It's secret here! Tehehe~~~

~And Zami came back, with a gift from everyone, so that they could keep on being a person. I helped them pick up everything. And now they are back and whole and a whole qilin-person and not a veil or mask or puppet anymore, nor just an autistic way of thinking. Yay for Zami to be back!
_________

--And now I, Zami, live with the others. I do my best to learn not to be a brainless shield. To learn to be a sword too, so I can protect by fighting too. To learn to delegate stuff around, or simply allow the others to push me aside and do things when I'm starting to do too much. Allow them to take care of me like I took (and still take?) care of them.

--I hesitate to talk to my therapist about it all. Because, in the end, we do not need her help (yet) with our inner and outer organization. Team PSI gives us a strong an healthy example of how to be many and have a rich, balanced, nice life. And I'm kinda exhausted of fighting for diagnosis. It took me a lifetime (or so it feels) of being deep in the deepest depression, PTSD, anxiety and stuff, in order to start getting help. It took me years of dealing with therapists' and my family's bullcrap in order to get the autism diagnosis, even though the local autism center told me, first time looking at me, that it was 99,99% sure I'm autistic and getting the diagnosis would be a piece of cake. Most of my health issues - or the pieces carried by others in our system - we deal with using self-help tools, journaling prompts, talking with Team PSI and other friends, phone apps, etc. I really, really, do not see what getting an official DID (or similar) diagnosis would help me, or any of us. So I'd rather focus of learning to be a sword as well as a shield.
________

~ ~ I'm Theia and I agree! ~~ Seriously when I see the crap thrown at us-you-when you try to explain to new doctors that you're autistic, I think, meh, getting a DID diagnosis? What for? Being told again the same fudging crappy crap we hear about your autism?



~~And I think it's time to call it a day (a post?) and say, see you next time for another episode of, ~~Tales from the WorldTree~~ !

You answered a question in your writing that I was thinking about earlier today.

There's an inner and outer "me" At first I couldn't remember "who I am" I was just here and made the best sense I could of things which wasn't very hard because of being signed off sick from work it's been food, go to mental health classes and tidy up. Then I remembered "who I am" I lived internally for years under the given name but have picked Obsidian out here. When I wanted to go "home" inside, once I remembered who I am, I found the "usual" outside me living in my home.

My home is also a central part of the inner world. It's a round castle with a waterfall in the middle that runs down into the sea.

The "usual" outside me is slightly shorter than me. It's also difficult to tell us apart in many ways and I wondered if that was possible. You answered all that.

I kept the castle shut and lived in relative peace but she's in there and opened it up and trying to organise all the parts and fragments. She's like that out here too, she has to know exactly what's happening with every aspect of life and is very good a money management. I am not. I'm very laid back.

How you said they "prance" around, that's how she sees parts in the system. They prance in and out. That made me laugh. I see it more like they come in and out with intention or purpose or to share something.

She was out briefly earlier and she literally can not cope with having nothing to do. She sees being at home as "nothing to do" no work, no business (was self employed for years), nothing money productive.

She has her system and I have had only Paul and occasionally Mandy and two teenage alters. The others have been around very briefly.

It feels like once we get to next week, back to work, they will back out here with her and I will be back inside which sort of suits me down to the ground but on the other hand I think I'm quite useful in life because I'm more laid back.

I want to combine how we are and be inside and outside at the same time with awareness. I was thinking visualisation type meditation to try to achieve this. Your system sounds sort of similar to mine so I wondered if you see it as possible to achieve? - a kind of integration between the internal "me" and external "me" I don't mean all the alters at the moment, I just mean me and her so we can manage together.

Thank you for posting this, it answered my query of having sort of two "cores" or main "hosts" because how you describe sounds pretty much exactly what it feels for me.

With diagnosis of DID, it's our aim so we can get proper treatment but also completely get where you're coming from with not wanting the struggle of it.

~Hi there! ~~ Theia again ! ~

~ We have some sort of an office-looking "control room". Sitting at the desk we can control the body. Sitting around the office we can see what's going on, talk to each-other, give advice... And more than one person can sit at the desk at the same time. We had can H. and his wifey taking a stroll together earlier today, that was so cute! ~~

~ This co-consciousness or blending can happen naturally or be worked on. It's a temporary state.

~ So maybe, starting with a control room of some sort where more than one can sit and talk might be a good idea? Given your castle innerscape, it could be some sort of throne room, or a council room, a village meeting place...

~I'm sure you'll find what suits you best!

~I don't know if a full-time, total merging would be useful for you or not. Because, well, I'm not in YOUR system, obviously.

~Or maybe we are sub-systems within a bigger system and the Internet is just part of the inner landscape so that everybody can communicate together and...~~~

(Zami : and we have lost her in her train of thought. Please stand by... She'll pick up the conversation eventually. Maybe. Sorry for the inconvenience.)

I loose my thoughts all the time lol so no worries

There is a white area with a desk and a receptionist and long white corridors. It's not near the castle. It has very old basic technology - fax with the paper with the holes down the side and an old phone.

I can go directly to the castle. It's only her I want to "merge" with if possible at the moment.

The twins have their own inner world. So does the overlord/Mr Brightside. The main inner world is where everyone lives but the twins and Mr Brightside can take people into their inner world's if invited. Their worlds are more unusual. Our main inner world is pretty normal but like fantasy with mermaids and witches and forests. The twins have live video games, extreme sports and scary stuff. Mr Brightside has his different depending on how he feels but there's always a body of water at the centre.

I'm gonna give it a go to try to blend or merge with the "usual outer me" who has become the inner "me"

Thanks for the reply It's also nice to read someone who has similar inner landscape. Obsidian

I think I made a huge step forwards today? I litteraly (in the innerscape that is) spat out something I kept inside. A part that goes "I need to suffer in order to protect the others". I let it go, and now her name is Alice (because of ***Links might contain triggering material*** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_McGee%27s_Alice and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice:_Madness_Returns ). I guess these two videogames resonnate a LOT for most of us.

Anyway, now I'm back in the pit of "It's all made-up".

***Might trigger some, develops the above line***


My traumatic childhood? Made-up. Traumatic past relationships? Made-up. Being otherkin? made-up. Talking to my spirit guides? Made-up. Channeling them? Made-up. Being multiple? Made-up, everything made-up. Everything I'm making up to attract attention because I'm a bad bad bad person.


***End of Trigger zone***

And so I might be starting to block the others from front AGAIN. But it's unhealthy. I must not do it. They are here to help. I'll try to let go of the physical world for a few hours and just let them deal with work.

--Zami--

We sent Zami to take a nap. Maybe it is something else they need to spit out. -X-

So, Zami is doing better to-day, and I'm taking a "shift" of taking care of outside things. I feel like *I* do not have a lot of things to say. Shyness. I prefer reading and working on bibliography for work rather than talking with people. And here I thought Zami was antisocial...

°°Isaïa°°


Not everybody can be as eloquent as *I* am.

It might be the rapid switches of the last few days - chatting on message boards makes us switch more often than usual - but it feels like weeks or months have passed when the calendar on the computer only says, still today. And in the same time, we get memory gaps, that Theia is so kind as to fill again thanks to containing the total memory. It is the good thing that Zami is the only trauma-carrier, in a way, because it means, less people to heal and more people to help with the healing process.

That is, until we move a rock and surprise! more trauma underneath.

Might be that we need to be many to deal with one trauma-carrier. Might be that we need to be many care-taker because more trauma is hiding. Time will tell.

Anyway, we found a few more littles prancing around. Shards of happiness and innocence that were dissociated to protect them. The H. and others are taking care of them, so it might be you'll see less of H. in the future, and more of Isaïa and Reyna and maybe others.

If any of you has ressources on how to discern if a system member is polyfragmented (a DID or fasceted person within a system) feel free to drop some references here or in our inbox. Thank you!

-X-

Even if it is unpleasant, it is important to figure things out. Turns out, Zami is not the only trauma-carrier.

I happen to carry the "I hate myself and must be punished". Oh sweet. /sarcasm

-X-

//and i carry some of the unwordable, shapeless distress//
//but i am not unhappy about it//
//we all make our part of the carrying work//
//burdens are lighter and easier to carry if shared//
//trauma is easier to heal from and deal with, once cut into pieces//
//if we are many we can help each-other heal instead of being one and lost//
//together we can swim, one we drown//
//each of us can chew and digest one small piece of it and integrate it as part of a personal life-story//
//all of it at once is not possible to deal with in only one small personal life-story//
//dissociated we stand//
//only one we fall//

--I must remember that, sharing it does not mean I loose reality and existence. It means that I get help. And only real people can get help. Depersonnalization/derealization is gone for now. Champagne!--

* I feel like *my* share is going to be some daddy issue. It's bound to be the daddy issue. Time will tell, though. *

I spent yet another night ruminating thoughts and bad stuff (well qilins are unicorns and unicorns are ruminants and I am a qilin otherkin sooo it kinda makes sense in an ironic way). BUT, this time I went one step closer to stopping. I guess.

I started asking myself, why do I do it? I know it's triggering and I keep doing it? Why?

Here are my answers so far:

- I feel like it's going to give me an answer to something. I cannot say what type of answer though. It's an obsession for "it HAS TO mean SOMETHING".
- I feel like I'm going to disappear if I stop thinking about it. Because if I stop thinking about it, it means it's all fake, and if my memories are fake then I am fake too.
- I feel like I have been gaslight-told so many times that "it's nothing" "you are making it up" and such, will make my memories become fake if I stop ruminating them.
- I feel like my role in the system is to contain all the awful things and if I spit them out and let them go, I will have no purpose and disappear.

All of it is absurd of course, for many reasons. And I am aware that it is absurd. But I cannot stop myself from thinking like that. Which is really awful because I can feel myself spiralling down.

But at least this time I analyzed what is dragging me down that spiral instead of letting it run uncontrolled. Which is progress I guess?

--Zami--

I got memories today. Awful memories. Memories of things I know did not happen to the body, at least not per se. But the general feeling of it, the general frame, happened to the body. Which means that, I store the memories and the feelings from the body, but in a symbolized way that make sense into my own personal life story.

***Trigger warning mention of abuse***

I remember my father doing to me, what brother and Ex#1 did to the body. I remember things that happened to me, that the body has the phobia of the things happening, to the point of panic attacks that would last for hours or days. I remember my father physicaly shutting my mouth, just like the body's father made us shut up by refusing to listen. I remember being sent away from my family to hide it all, like the body's family alienated us when we tried to get help. I remember my father telling me that I had invented it that I had had a nightmare that it was a bad dream, just like it happened to the body from different family members. I remember being mocked and bullied at the boarding school, with the same feelings that we were feeling when it happened to the body.

***End trigger warning***

I remember the feeling of betrayal, of being betrayed by the very one who should have protected me - just like it happened to the body. I remember being denied the safety of my mother's religion, just like the host or whoever was fronting back then, would pray to pagan, long-forgotten deities, tears running down the cheeks, hiding from the body's hypocrit, faithless, fakely religious family.

I remember the same feelings, because we are one life. But I remember different events. And it is difficult. Because, how to find support when your feelings are true but the stage where your memory play is not the one where the body played?

*Reyna*

Hey everybody, hello there! It's me, your favourite sin, ENVY!

If I'm here you can bet my six siblings are here too, as well as the Sinner!

Gluttony was here first, though. Eating all day to fill in the emotional void. Still needs to be carefully kept in check because he's here each time there is food! I guess that the mindless hyperphagic bulimia is just this dude showing up. Or turned into this dude. Whatev.

Pride tried to come too. Or maybe came before Gluttony? Anyway, Pride was SMASHED to GOO by the body's womb-carrier. Can't call that thing a mother, can I? That's in no case a mother that *I* want anyway, eh.

So, Gluttony here, Pride smashed, came Greed!

Greed wants it all! All the stuff! All the books! All the knowledge! Sweet sweet knowledge!

Greed is a nice dude. Seriously. I like him! As long as he does not want the same stuff than I do. He's super useful, seriously! Wants all the sweet sweet knowledge (among other things) so when he's focused on knowledge, we pile up notes and notes and kilometers of notes for work. Well, after a while he needs to be calmed down or work is never finished, eh! But he's cool. Greedy for knowledge coz it's easier to pile up knowledge than to pile up goods. Cheaper too, so, more stuff for less cost!

Gluttony here and active, Pride smashed, Greed active too, came me, Envy! And my twinny, Wrath!

I wanted what others had. The nice family. The safety. The love. The support. I wanted it so bad! And Wrath wanted to destroy the abusers. Abusive womb-family. The F***ERS. He wanted to tear them to shred, burn them to ashes.

Wait. He was here way before me, he was here before Greed! Wanting to burn down the womb-family and destroy them and shred them and slaughter them like pigs. Kept chained because the body was too weak, started to attack the body, and Gluttony helped him.

Gluttony and Greed and me (Envy) active, Pride smashed, Wrath chained, we met Ex#1 and Lust showed up.

Lust showed up because I wanted to have the nice family and supportive relationship. And Ex#1 only wanted sex, so Lust gave it to him. Desperate. Mindless. Thirsty for love and companionship and intimacy. Only thing she got was, used. So she did her best, poor thing. Greed helped her gather all the knowledge to be even more Lust. Better Lust. To get better intimacy and companionship and love so she could built for me the family I so desperately wanted.

We got tired. With no Pride to show us we were being used, and Wrath chained, we were a mess.

Sloth showed up. Wanted to calm us down. The body was exhausted. Zami, poor Zami, emotional wreck carrying all the pain away from us. We needed a break. Sloth made us stop. The docs call it depression. I think it's just tomayto tomahto. Pain, need to stop, burnout, Sloth gave it all a full stop. Does not matter how we call it. The stop was needed.

We sat together to think. Pride still smashed to goo, Wrath too tired from fighting his chains. Sloth made us stop pretending, stop wanting things that Ex#1 could not give us. And no Sinner to organize us.

Status quo for years. Ex#1 was MAD. He wanted Lust, got Sloth instead. You can guess what happened. More pain Zami sheltered us from. Good thing short-term. Bad thing long-term when Pride is smashed and Wrath unable to fight back.

We fell from Ex#1 to Ex#2 and it was a bit better. Ex#2 reactivated Lust. And me. We thought it was the long-waited-for perfect relationship. We only ended up with Gluttony worse than ever. She tried to feed Greed with stuff SHE was greedy of. Did not work well. Good dude Greed, I told you. Wrath started to wake up. Good boy.

We fell from Ex#2 to Ex#3. He pretended to heal Lust. Only used her. Made me believe he was going to be the support and everything I wanted, so I would push Lust towards him. Tried to feed things to Greed, at first dude was interested, but Sloth was falling back asleep, so Greed started thinking again. Nope, he was greedy for other stuff, and the other stuff started to wake Wrath up. Unchained Wrath, little by little.

It was not pretty when Wrath, coldly, stood up and told the F***ER to just F*** OFF and leave us alone. Nope, no way, not going back, I did not want that nasty dude's lies anymore thank you very much, Greed was focused on completely something else than the nasty Ex had to offer, Lust was pissed and tired of being coerced and programmed and told what to do. Gluttony started to realize there were better stuff to do than being mindless.

Me? I wanted what others had. The health. The body health. The balanced relationships. The nice friends. The warmth of family. Being recognized as a nice person. So I needed to act nice. Stop the bulls**t behavior. The bull lead nowhere so I needed a new strategy. Plus Zami could not take it anymore. The bull. And the consequences of the bull.

And now, what's up?

Gluttony on a diet. Lust focusing on herself and what she wants to do and closing her ears to what others want her to do. Wrath on a training mission, to get stronger again. We need him to help for the protection. David cannot do it all alone, eh? Burning out easily, the poor man. He's seen too much. And having Zami as protector is just VBI (Very Bad Idea). Sloth ready to step in for when we need a break. Greed on stand-by coz we are finishing a work project, cannot keep adding stuff to it when it's in the last phase, eh? Pride now, poor lad, he needs to be built again. He's flat as a tire.

Remains me. I envy the teamwork the rest of the WorldTree has. I envy the support. The warmth. The way Theia helps with conflict resolution. The love between Rey and Isa. I want that for me too.

So I step in. I do what needs be done to have this. Play nice. Self-care. Keep the eye open for red flags. Offer support for the ones who are sad, so that I get the support when I am sad. Feed the cat. Being friend with cat, makes cat friendly and purry and cuddly. I want that. Warm kitty purring in my lap. The others have the kitty love, I want kitty love too. The others have picking up chores one after the other so that everybody does a part and nobody gets exhausted. I want that too. Team spirit.

I want that. They have it, the warm fuzzy feelings, and I want that too. So I'm working on it.

Maybe when Pride is whole again, the Sinner will show up?

I don't care. The others don't have a Sinner so, I don't want it.

{Envy}