I'm tired and I feel like I lied

I'm so tired of not knowing what is DID or not. I feel like everyone (my therapists) think I have DID and I may not. I really feel like these are intrusive thoughts and maybe dissociated parts not alters. I should have never mentioned names or ages because now I'm stuck with a therapist that I dont think can get DID off of her brain. All my records are changed to DID now. Which is better than schizophrenia but I still dont want to be labeled something I'm not. I've been trying to look inside and ask questions. My therapist suggested I move out of the group home and I have been getting some intrusive thoughts about that. One was Mommy, do you like little babies? So I asked who that was and the name Susie popped up but it was a thought. Then I saw a little flash of a shiloette of a little girl holding up 3 fingers. I dont know if it was real. I want things back to the way they used to be when I wasn't like this with these intrusive thoughts. I've been thinking about my parts that I think everyone has and how I was mean to those animals, an unfit mother and I just dont understand it all.

Can I just point out, I am so I guess I can lol, anyway.. you asked if a silhouette you saw in your brain of a girl holding up three fingers is real or not!?

By real I take it you mean a part or alter?

It's your brain. You saw it. Hence real..

You keep doing this dance with yourself of "I'm a liar or I made it up" don't get me wrong it happens here still pretty much everyday but that gets kicked into touch quick because to engage it is to disable yourself.

You're gaslighting yourself.

Paul.

I dont know how to not do that. I dont have enough evidence to know one way or the other yet.

It has been, what, months that you post on this forum and you play hide-and-seek with yourself. Doubt all you want, it will not stop your brain from acting the way it does. Doubt all you want, if you are DID, you cannot stop that from being true.

So, stop lying to yourself, stop whining asking us to diagnose you "not DID" while you obviously ARE DID IN DEEP DENIAL, get your ducks in a row and start journalling about the other ones sharing your body. Let them express themselves.

Or just, keep being in denial. Whatever floats your boat. But remember, no amount of denial can never ever change who you are.

A bunch of residents from the World Tree

Sarandipity wrote:Can I just point out, I am so I guess I can lol, anyway.. you asked if a silhouette you saw in your brain of a girl holding up three fingers is real or not!?

By real I take it you mean a part or alter?

It's your brain. You saw it. Hence real..

You keep doing this dance with yourself of "I'm a liar or I made it up" don't get me wrong it happens here still pretty much everyday but that gets kicked into touch quick because to engage it is to disable yourself.

You're gaslighting yourself.

Paul.

^^^ THIS!
Especially "You saw it. Hence real..."

{\Pixie/}

Hi,

You don't have to know if you're 'really' DID or not to start therapy. How about just doing DID therapy and seeing if that makes a difference?

Host was seriously in denial about the whole thing but did DID therapy anyway (because our T said 'Really dude you need to try this!'). He found out therapy for DID totally worked and regular therapy for like depression and anxiety didn't. Ok then! For us life is better with DID therapy so Host doesn't have to know 'for sure' what he HAS. He knows what he has to DO to get better. Just got to find something that works for you ok?

Iain

Don't you HEAR all of us talking about how we struggle with denial??? It's a big part of having DID. We cope with things by making them not be REAL.

This whole, "if I say I have it but I really don't then I'm a liar and that's bad" is just your mind trying to hold onto anything that will make this not be real.

There are parts of you who WANT it to be acknowledged as real, and that's where the attraction comes from, and parts who are really fighting against the knowledge. It's GOOD if you're tired of fighting against it. Just live with feeling like you're lying--just notice it and put it aside, because it's standing in your way of getting appropriate treatment and starting to accept that there are other parts of you.

My littles are crying for Susie right now, who just wants you to notice her and accept her. Literally crying that you're ignoring that little girl, who is hoping that you'll move out of the group home so you'll be somewhere that you can get to know her and take care of her. Stop saying, "but it was a thought." That is a common way that alters communicate. She ######6 TOLD you her name, and then her age the way that little kids do, by holding up fingers.

Sorry, I have to add this from my littles (so that I'm taking care of them and not ignoring them):

"Hi Susie!! WE know that you're real, even if that big meany is trying to ignore you. I hope that one of your bigs can help you write to us sometime on the littles thread, and we'll be your friends! "

Rive wrote:So I asked who that was and the name Susie popped up but it was a thought.

Most alter names I've gotten have been thoughts. Not someone speaking their name inside. The name as a thought, as if by me.

Then I saw a little flash of a shiloette of a little girl holding up 3 fingers.

That made me feel warm and fuzzy. We met what we thought was our "inner child" (not an alter) decades ago and he was 2 and 1/2. When we realized we had DID, we asked his name and he said John. We asked if we could call him Little John and he said ok, he liked that. We asked how old he was, expecting 2 and 1/2, but we saw him sitting down cross-legged and he was holding up 3 fingers. Because he's 3, of course.

I dont know if it was real.

Your saying this makes me think more than anything else (except maybe the post by Michelle) that what's going on for you is DID. It doesn't mean you do, I'm not you.

Thanks guys I appreciate it. I have to keep an open mind. This could all be intrusive thoughts and images. Or things I plant in my mind. I have been dealing with this for 6 months and still not gotten any closer to any answer that seems like proof of DID for me.