I'm tired and I feel like I lied

Rive wrote:I have to pick everything apart. Now I'm wondering about thought stopping. If I have these thoughts. Like Mommy I like blackberries etc. ( this is just an example) but in my head I can stop it like this. Mommy, I like... but I intuitively know I was thinking Mommy, I like blackberries. What is that about?

That's just how DID is. It's because you're not really stopping it. It's not your thought, and even if you stop the actual words, the meaning still gets through. I think your past treatment for OCD is working against you here. You want to do the opposite of thought-stopping with DID. You want to welcome the thoughts and encourage more of them, because they are parts communicating with you.

I dont intentionally stop the thoughts. It just kind of happens. I will be thinking something like Mommy, I like blackberries but I stop it with Mommy, I like... but I still know the sentence was going to be Mommy,I like blackberries ( this is just an example)

Rive, I've got to say that almost nothing in your posts about why you doubt isn't very similar to experiences I've had where things like this happen. Someone starts to say something but it trails off and it feels kind of like it's me doing it.

What our gatekeeper has said is that we are all in the same mind and are in fact one person and that's it's normal for any of us to sometimes pick up on and affect or stop thoughts, emotions, body sensations coming from others. Also, in our mind the person fronting -- in control of the body -- has much more power than anyone inside. All of us -- including me -- are less ourselves and less in control when inside, even if we're very close to the front.

I recall some instances of one of our littles taking over and squashing me, my opinions and directions, like a bug. Those experiences were so similar to the ones I had when I was in control that it gave me a different perspective of my own beliefs about it all.

I know you've mentioned that if you had an alter with an accent or something, it would make things easier to accept. I'm not sure because you're wicked skilled at doubting! But I get that idea because we actually had that, our first "I'm here!" alter had a very different accent and spoke a dialect of English I didn't know. So that was solid proof from the start that I returned to when I doubted.

Still, when some of the things happen to us similar to what you describe, I do have doubts whether I'm really saying and thinking the thoughts. The difference is that I don't take it to mean I don't have DID. That I am sure of.

Rive wrote:I dont intentionally stop the thoughts. It just kind of happens. I will be thinking something like Mommy, I like blackberries but I stop it with Mommy, I like... but I still know the sentence was going to be Mommy,I like blackberries ( this is just an example)

Ever tried like that "mindfulness" stuff- where you just practice being aware of, but not like trying to judge or act on, like thoughts and feelings... just acknowledge them and let them be and move on and focus on whatever form of it you're doing.

I like the "body scan" thingy, myself. Basically starting thinking on the feelings in the toes, and slowly feeling this or that, all the way up... from the toes, to the feet, to the ankles, then the calves, the knees, the thighs, waist, the lower torso, the fingers, hands, arms... up to the chest, how the breathing feels, sounds, things I smell, etc... the shoulders, neck, face, head, even hair... and the entire time taking time in between "this part and that part" to let whatever feelings come just come and go... whatever thoughts come and go do... just be aware but not like trying to THINK about them, not judge them, not push them away or grab on to them...

it's a great way to like just calm and center yourself, to like get used to NOT (even subconsciously) stopping "stray thoughts" that are often from quiet others you don't hear well or listen to well- which IMHO sounds like your situation. Part of you, could be the from the "get control" OCD stuff, is shutting down the "chaos" of other parts and thoughts and feelings... Mindfulness practice works to STOP that habit, to learn to accept and neither embrace nor oppose that stuff in you.

Maybe something like this (Not the one of the ones I usually use).
10 Minute Guided Body Scan Meditation from The Meditation Coach (there are shorter ones, too if you wanna start there, and longer ones once you get more comfortable and can do more.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obYJRmgrqOU

It's been like super helpful for me.

{\Pixie/}

Ok, thanks guys. TRIGGER WARNING ******( talk of animal abuse, etc.))))****


Ok, I'm still confused about this. The things I've done in the past with the animals. One day I was cleaning a kittens cage. I went to slam the door but it wouldn't slam. I knew the kittens foot was in the door but I decided not to look because if I didn't look I didn't know for sureeven though I knew. I slammed with that tiny kittens foot there and afterwards got it care. For that minute it was like I was in a battle between good and evil. I also used to cry at euthanisias. When I felt like the sinister me I would volunteer. How would I know thats not just a psychopathic side to me and actually DID or some personality disorder? I still dont understand this.

Rive wrote:I decided not to look because if I didn't look I didn't know for sureeven though I knew. I slammed with that tiny kittens foot there and afterwards got it care.

This is dissociation pure and simple: If I don't see it or I refuse believe it, then I can make it not be true, even though I know it is. Part of you knew it was true while at the same time part of you was acting on the refusal to believe it.

Also, you have presented this example before and I remember explaining how it was caused by dissociation, so maybe you need to look back at your previous posts, because you are just repeating yourself over and over again.

I would have alot of posts to look through. Is there a way to save posts? Also, I guess I'm asking was I in a fight between two alters.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Also, you have presented this example before and I remember explaining how it was caused by dissociation, so maybe you need to look back at your previous posts, because you are just repeating yourself over and over again.

Part of me (not like another one of us - hehehe) like wonders, does Rive even KNOW that that is happening? Like that the same things are brought up again and again? Or if so, to the extent it's like happening... Cuz like this, too, could be pointed to as like evidence. Cuz Zor and I have repeated the same things that the other has said in here, cuz we didn't realize the other had already covered it... or did but in a diff way not quite aware the other had, or to the extent they had. That's like daily life struggles with DID.

{\Pixie/}

paragraphs after paragraphs.

one line response.

walls of text.

two sentence reply.

my dude.. are u even listening to them or just venting and ruminating over your same thoughts. i dont have DID and i have antisocial traits so im not going to give u the same compassion because i feel like ur not respecting the people in this thread.

btw im not the person who pm'd u saying u dont have it. i couldnt care less if u do or not.

anyway, thanks to everyone else, i learned a lot.

dont think i have DID, but if i notice contradicting thoughts etc i will attend to them.

I'm not disrespecting anybody. I'm trying to figure out my truth. I was just saying I dont know how those things I mentioned are not anti social, psychopathy, Some kind of other personality disorder. Everybody tells me it's not but I need that picked apart. Like why its not. People with those disorders have these traits too.