Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Thanks fireheart,

That fits in with one of our theories, that the current level of derealization is an attempt to protect the 'front people' from either the revelations, or the implications, of the sort of problems that we've been growing more aware of.

It may also be to help prevent us from becoming aware of some of the trauma memories that were beginning to surface a month or so ago.

Viola is still scared or worried that her characters are 'coming to life', but I think a more likely possibility is that alters are using the characters and the story itself to communicate. Perhaps it adds a layer of safety, allowing certain subjects to play out and be examined as 'fiction' and happening to 'fictional characters', rather than confronting things directly.

The last chapter she wrote involved several traumatic themes and she's been unable to write more since then, because she feels some of the important characters are now dealing with PTSD... Her writing style requires her to 'get into the heads' of the characters and for now, it's too triggering for her to do that.

Hi Em,

If writing so much feels destablizing, maybe Viola can slow down a bit and take a (temporary) break from writing until things calm down? Just a thought.

MDs

Sorry you guys are having a tough time right now. I hope things improve soon.

Thanks MDs, thanks Gang.

I don't know if the writing is causing us to be unstable, or if it's a result of already being unstable. It may be a defence mechanism, escapeism, to help Viola cope with or ignore the overwhelming stuff going on inside.

I helped her yesterday to get past the stuff that had her blocked. Gave her some ideas on how to get around the fictional trauma, and she was able to get back to the writing again for a while this morning.

There's a few more chapters she wants to write, and then the 'book' will be finished. We'll see how it goes after that. Either she'll calm down and relax, or she'll start obsessing about something else instead.

Em

hey friends

quick update. we're still around but feeling even more disconnected & stuff. i feel like i'm losing touch with reality at times.

had to go to the dr yesterday & while i was walking i was co-con with a fictional character from my story. she complained about the way i'd written some stuff then filled me in on a bunch of her motivations & background, & shared with me a bunch of stuff from a diary she's been keeping that kinda explained alot of other stuff & filled in some gaps aboutt her that i didn't know.

i'm pretty sure that actually happened & i wasn't just daydreaming. but i'm not like, 100% positive. i told her we had therapy today and said she could go if she wanted. i dunno if that'll happen.

also losing time all over the place & not really aware of it? like our mum started calling & emailing all in a panic & we finally talked to her last night & she was worried cos it had been a long time since shed heard from us but i thot it was just a few days ago.

i think we're not getting enuf sleep too. like 4 or 5 hours a night at most? i think we've got like, night-owls and early-risers both being active.

i had a lot of thots yesterday morning but most of it's faded. I remember thinking tho, its no wonder this is happening. like our choices are a lonely #######5 life in a capatalist dystopia thats descending into fascism and pandemic, or a happy positive inner world where theres hope & friendship & things are nice & happy.

this morning i look at the clock & the seconds are ticking past like 25% faster than usual. for just a moment i thot the clock was broken but then realized its subjective. times probably moving the rigth speed, but my perception is lagging so it looks like the clock's speeded up. i'm just processing slower.

its hard to remember stuff, i've lost contact with most of the system that i knew. I still feel Em around but I dont remember last time we talked. Could be a day, a week, a month. Actually maybe she fronted yesterday. we were switchy after the doctor.

we had a flashback last night at bedtime. emotional and somatic stuff was flooding. turned out someone left the stove on, someone else got accidentally burned, and that triggered someone else. all that happened inside. i didn't even know we had a kitchen in there. we turned off the stove, healed the burns and comforted the one who was upset, & the whole thing was over pretty quick once we did that. i dunno who any of the others were tho. not even sure who i was in all that.

sometimes i start to doubt the whole last 2 years. all the names in our signature. like that was all just warmup and now things are actually getting crazy.

sorry this got really long i thot it was gonna be a short update.

viola, probably

Hi viola,

Keep taking care of yourself ok? Sometimes things get kind of crazy and that's confusing. Maybe this isn't right but you sound like something is seriously triggering you. Maybe like a lot.

Iain

Amythyst wrote:I remember thinking tho, its no wonder this is happening. like our choices are a lonely #######5 life in a capatalist dystopia thats descending into fascism and pandemic, or a happy positive inner world where theres hope & friendship & things are nice & happy.

Yes. This really resonates with us. As does the feeling of being disconnected.

Sending you good thoughts.

Charity and others

thanks Iain & Charity & others

i dunno if we're triggered? I guess maybe? i dunno tho if its something big that happened weeks ago or something thats happened later.

it feels like something changed a while back. wanna say january but not sure, maybe start of february? we noticed something had changed cos we stopped knowing how to cook again. like we'd learend tomake a few simple meals & stuff, then like overnite it was gone.

maybe its when stuff got busy with work. everything's been all mushed up and blended and mixed together for a long time now. or it feels like that anyways?

we gotta go to T soon, feeling anxious about that, dunno why.

dunno who i am rn either.

there was a puppy at t today
it was a tiny 9week old toy poodle pup named penny and t let me pet penny then i got to hold her for like 5 or 10 minutes
penny was super cute and soft and she kept climbing on my shoulder and licking my ear
but then things were really sad and stuff
i dont remember any more what we said that was so sad tho
also t knew i wasnt viola and asked who i was but i couldnt tell her
she said i looked young tho

Wow, you got to hold a tiny puppy!! That's so cool. I wish we had a puppy or a kitten to hold when we see our T. We just hold a stuffed animal behind a pillow.

I'm sorry things were sad after that.