Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

We felt like it was time to start up a new journey thread. Sorta reluctant to leave the old thread behind and start over but also sorta felt it was necessary.

And of course we had to come up with a title that was sorta 'double-meaning' or whatever. Sorry bout that.

Anyways, so first some useless facts:

• Amethyst is a form of quartz that's been turned purple cos of radiation blasting impurities into the silicon dioxide matrix. Basically it'd be normal quartz, but during its creation, it goes through some rough $#%^ and comes out the other side changed, so it has a purple hue.
• It used to be considered really valuable (like diamonds and saphires and stuff) but then they found some huge deposits and the value dropped a bunch. It's considered semiprecious tho, and still used for jewelry and stuff.
• Like other quartzes, it naturally forms shapes with many facets, usually six faces around the side and a six-sided pyramid at the end.
• Sometimes its found in geodes, which are like a normal boring rock on the outside till they get smashed open and then it turns out theres a zillion amazing little purple facets inside.

We're not amethyst, we're Amythyst. Pretty close tho and we liked the symbolism. And we like the colour. We're still the same team as before, no (recent) shifts or changes there. Just, new team name, new journey thread.

V2 & others

Yesterday Viola was fronting and had something happen 1st thing in the morning. Met a cat that might have been lost. Or maybe not. She wrote about it in the How are you today thread.

Looking back afterwards we can kinda see that some littles were triggered by the idea that the kitty might be lost & alone & stuff, it brought up a bunch of old memories and old hurts and stuff that I guess have never ever been resolved and stuff.

Viola didn't really recognize it at first, like she's usually sorta immune or isolated from most of that stuff? Like she's the one who takes over for the rest of us when we're all overwhelmed so its wierd for her to be the one feeling all that stuff.

We also had T yesterday, cos our regular Wednesday session was postponed cos our T was at a conference or something. Viola almost forgot about that but luckily we always have lots of reminders and stuff lol. So obviously the session started with talking about the kitty and all the mixed up feelings and stuff.

Then stuff kinda got wierder for her (Viola) cos the T was asking like how does the situation with the cat reflect stuff for our life, whats the first time we can remember feeling x or y or z kinda stuff. What was wierd is like first Viola's like "well we don't have good communication still so its really hard to answer some of this stuff."

But then she started getting stuff, from like deep inside. She said it was like she was only half in the room with the T and half somewhere else, like infront of a sort of deep dark foggy place somewhere inside.

She started being like a translator or whatever, the T would ask a question and then from that deep dark place, there'd be like a word or two, a jumble of emotions, maybe some images or something, and Viola would translate all that into outside-talk, so she could answer the T.

Viola said it felt really wierd and strange, like she had to kind of let go a little of herself so she could be open to that stuff, like to feel it and allow it to come through her? But at the same time she could feel resistance or reluctance, like maybe someone else was trying to stop it. Thoughts like 'dont say too much', 'dont say that', 'keep that a secret'.

And there was also some feeling of relief, like someone in there was going 'omg finally shes listening to us and were getting somewhere'. And then other feelings, probably her own, like 'omg this is really wierd and this isn't my thing v2 or arin should be doing this'.

She did say to the T it felt really wierd and stuff but she doesn't think she explained it right, like why it was wierd to her. The session was really powerful tho. A lot of dark 'secret' stuff came up to the surface, stuff that's been buried a long time. Not all of it was like, bad stuff. Most of it really was more like, just 'random' memories and stuff. Factual stuff, like stripped of the emotional side?

*** trigger warning - alcohol abuse ***

I'm allowed to share one thing that came up. Apparently the first time we started drinking regularily, and drinking a lot (like to pass out) was when we were in grade 5, so around 9 or 10 years old... We don't know why tho, like what got us started doing that. The T said it meant something, like 'children who drink at that age blah blah blah blah'. Whatever she said got forgotten but it seemed meaningful to her.

*** end trigger warning ***

But Viola says the T seemed to think alot of it was really important. Like, more pieces to the puzzle. She says the T was taking a lot of notes during the session. She doesn't always do that but I guess it was enough big stuff she was writing it all down...

Afterwards Viola got home and was like completely drained and exhausted, so nothing else got done yesterday lol. I got lots of housework and chores and stuff to do today lol.

V2 (with help from Viola & others)

Thanks Gang!

We're going to a party this evening... our neighbor friend is doing a party for the neighborhood and I'm gonna go and see how long I last.

She did a party a few months ago that we went to but I only lasted like an hour or something before it got overwhelming. We'll see if I make it past an hour this time lol.

V2

Thanks MD teens!

I just got home from the party... we survived, actually made it all the way to the end. There were some people there we already knew but there was also lotsa new people we didn't know.

It was scary at first, like as more and more people kept showing up it started to get overwhelming, but then I guess when there's enough people it sorta splits apart into little groups and we wound up in a group that wasn't too large or too loud.

So one thing kinda freaked us out a bunch tho. This friend, we like her and trust her a lot. When our crisis started and our mother was really distant and dismissive and stuff, our neighbor friend was really kind and caring. She's always been really helpful and motherly and stuff. So she knows alot about us, we're completely comfortable with her.

Anyways so after dinner she was doing icecream cones and with like, 4 or 5 other people there in the room who we don't know that well, our friend asked if Melissa wanted to have some icecream. And we just didn't know how to handle that, it was really unexpected. So we just didn't respond.

Then she addressed us by our outside name and we did get an icecream cone and then sat down and while eating it, Melissa did sorta take over even though there were still a few strangers there and stuff. I'm positive nobody else noticed but our friend did, I guess she saw the change in body language or something? Anyways she came over and kinda quietly asked if it was Melissa and said hello and stuff like that.

And ok now our friend did not make a big scene. It wasn't like a big deal of calling attention to us for everyone else to see. I'm pretty sure it was like, 80% being genuinely concerned and wanting ot make sure we were ok, and maybe 20% like just trying to "normalize" stuff and show like its not a big deal? Our friend is like very progressive and all that stuff.

But it was still jsut really, really wierd and we really didn't know how to react. Nobody else asked or commented or said a single thing about how come our friend called us by a different name or whatever. And Melissa was able to let go of front afterwards and I'm positive our friend saw cos she knew it was me again afterwards, and there was no fuss or anything and she went back to calling us by the outside name.

I guess I hafta talk with her and just let her know it was wierd. Like we're totally comfortable with her and stuff but it was wierd and stuff with the other people around.

I dunno. I know a lotta people with DID keep it super secret and all. We don't, our friends know and all accept it and stuff. But we don't go telling everyone, strangers and stuff.

Anyways that was the one wierd thing, but the rest of it was ok and I was social and talked to a lotta people and even remember a few of their names lol.

Now we're exhausted so its bedtime.

V2

Thanks Gang.

Melissa is still shy, she's getting better, but like, I think she doesn't like to be seen? So she has a hard time making eye contact, she looks down at the floor a lot, or focuses on something (like her icecream lol) and she gets like really nervous-fidgety.

So I'm sure we kinda dropped out of the conversation completely and started looking really uncomfortable or something.

Memory is fuzzy but we're pretty sure the friend actually came over and kinda crouched next to us (we were sitting at a table with 2 or 3 other people) and asked something like "is that Melissa? Are you doing ok?" I dunno if anyone else heard, but they had to see it.

The friend has grandkids, some are around Melissa's age, she's probably pretty good with kids and stuff like that. Like to her I'm sure she just wanted to make sure everything was Ok and Melissa wasn't gonna freak out or anything?

We dunno if its ok, I mean it was cool that the friend was concerned and really nice and stuff. But it was just kinda freaky and unexpected. OTOH after V2 came back, she kinda just blended right back into the conversation and nobody acted wierd at us or whatever. At least not that we noticed lol.

We'll try to talk with the friend like privately, and let her know it was a little wierd. Still dunno if it's good or bad, it was just wierd.

Viola

So we had therapy yesterday. There was a lot of reluctance or whatever about going. Like first thing in the morning even, when we were doing our bike ride I was feeling it.

I was talking with Melissa on the bike so I asked if she wanted to go and she said no. She said she didn't like our T, she liked the first one better. And like, the first T had a lot of issues and problems, but the one thing she did really good was she connected with Melissa.

Anyways so on the drive to T, I started to feel a lot of anxiety and depersonalization. By the time we got there and were in the waiting room it was really strong, and I could tell we were feeling little, and Melissa was fully fronting by then.

I was coconsious for most/all of it but my memory is fuzzy and faded, like it was a dream? I took notes tho as soon as it was over, to try not to forget stuff.

When T called us in she could tell something was up. Melissa is shy and doesn't like people to know its her, but T said she could see we looked young, and eventually guessed / confirmed it was Melissa.

They talked about that party on the weekend, from Melissa's point of view. And how Melissa doesn't like to be seen, and how she doesn't like the body (lol none of us do) and being sad about not getting to go to school andmake friends and stuff.

Oh and she told T how we didn't wanna go, which surprised her cos she knew we were usually pretty good about it. She said we'd never missed an appointment or whatever and Melissa said, its a rule, if theres an appointment in our calendar or whatever, we hafta do it and hafta be on time and stuff. I think T thought this was specific to therapy but I'm sure Melissa was talking like its a 'system rule' or something.

Like I think this is one of the mechanisms or whatever that came up with previous host, cos of amnesia and stuff, is everything goes into the calendar app, and we do what it says even if we don't remember or don't want to or whatever.

Anyways I think by the end of it Melissa was more comfortable with the T, like they connected a bit. Melissa even told her a kinda joke or something? It was something she got from someone here I think, I don't remember who wrote it (sorry!) but it was that Ts should have interesting shoes cos people with DID will be staring at them waaay more than looking at the T's face. Our T laughed and said she hadn't heard that before.

At the end T was concerned about us getting home safe and stuff, if one of the bigger parts would help get us home and all that. For some reason Melissa can take over easily but has trouble letting go of front, especially if someone's looking at her? So she asked T to turn around, and she did, and then Melissa sorta stepped back so I could come back again.

I think that helped too, like the T was ok with everything Melissa did and said and asked and stuff. I think it helped Melissa see that the T is nice and stuff.

I kinda wonder, like if Melissa was the one who didn't want us to go to T, but maybe like she was the one who needed it most yesterday so thats why she ended up fronting there.

V2

So its been over a month now since Arin 'disappeared'. She got really upset, angry, sad, etc, about our life and all the opportunities we've lost and stuff.

About like, not being able to have the life / lives we want and being stuck with all these problems and stuff cos people were abusive to us and its not our fault but now we're suffering and paying for it and stuff.

I guess just like, frustrated helpless rage at the unfairness of it all. She was angry and crying and all that.

Anyways, so she went into the void and has been silent in there ever since. I'm afraid its kinda like what happened with V1. Just like, quitting life. Leaving the rest of us to sort it out cos she can't deal with it.

Rebecca and Melissa both say Arin's still there, she's not like, completely 'lost' or hidden like V1 was. But she doesn't respond, doesn't talk to us. She's just like, in a deep sleep or something.

It makes me sad and it makes me worried cos we're starting to kinda fall apart with 'adulting' and stuff.

I also kinda wonder if like, being responsible enuf to do the mature adult stuff also makes them (V1 & Arin) like more like easily upset by all this? Like maybe being mature and responsible enuf to worry about grownup stuff means theyre also grownup enuf to want more but see the impossibleness of stuff or the 'reality' that its not gonna happen?

I dunno, maybe its coincidence.

Without her we're back to 2 teens and a kid running our life again. And its making me tired and making it harder for me to do everything.

V2

*** trigger warning: suicidal ideation ***

Her last day fronting, Arin thought about suicide and how quickly and easy she could achieve it. It was her first time experiencing those sorts of thoughts and she was frightened by them.

She felt it was for the good of the system to remove herself from active participation, so that she would not be in a position to act on those impulses.

Rebecca