Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Congratulations, Viola, on your success with your writing. We're glad that you went back and re-read your friend's critique with an open mind.

I really identify with what you said about one negative experience overriding all the positive ones. I think it's common to folks who were traumatized. We're trying to modify our reaction so that it comes from a more balanced mindset.

Charity (with some input from Mary)

Thanks Gang, Thanks Charity & Mary!

Sorry we haven't been as active again on here lately. Got alot of stuff going on mixed up inside & everything.

We had T today and I was like, I had no memory at all of the last couple sessions? But I had this feeling like things had been getting big, like we were getting into some big stuff. And our T had to go look in her notes to like remind me of stuff from last week cos I was just blank.

I also told her, its like lately I've gotten kinda obsessed with these stories. Writing and stuff. Like part of me thinks its a defence thing, stuff is getting too big and too real, there's like old memories & pain & stuff coming up, so I hide from it & focus on make-believe & stuff.

We talked more about that but its already kinda faded away on me. Just kinda leaves me with that impression again that there's big important stuff going on, but its scary & painful so it just kinda evaporates again then I go hide in the writing where its safer.

I remember i told her i think our stories are like, its both some escapism and like wish-fulfilment fantasy stuff, but i think its also a safe place where we can work things out? Like sorta safely explore feelings and ideas & stuff that's too hard or too scary to have for real. So she asked if she could read the stories but I'm not sure yet I wanna do that. Maybe, I dunno.

But like, that's why I'm not here as much? Cos like from when I wake up in the morning to when I go to bed, i'm kinda just lost in the stories, or i'm writing. Or working, I guess we still do that when we hafta. Even then i still th ink about writing tho. Even at T actually, there talking to her, and part of our brain was like, a group of characters were doing their thing where I could sorta see & hear it.

Viola

I've had to take over the past 2 days to make sure we eat. Viola hasn't wanted to eat and hasn't been hungry. She didn't mention that to the T. I don't think it's a problem yet, but it's something I've noticed and I'm keeping an eye on.

Em

Another little update on this stuff.

Still writing, got a 3rd story done now. Its more like, 3 installments tho in a series, gonna be 6 parts long when its done. The 3 that are done now, total about 85,000 words. We read that the average paperback novel is 90,000 words, so its like i've written a whole book & only halfway done lol.

Last night I got my first hate-review tho. Not just like, critical, but nasty. It hurt for about a half hour but i got over it & didn't let it ruin my day or anything. It helped that the mean one was in between 2 that were super positive, saying my 3rd story was the best yet. In total we've had 50 positive reviews & 1 nasty one.

Other stuff going on, we're a little worried there might be something wrong with the body health. For over a week now there's been almost no appetite, and we're not getting enuf water, not thirsty. There's some other stuff that makes us worry abit, not feeling quite right. We're super busy with work tho from now till end of the month, we won't have time to deal with dr's apointments & stuff. So maybe at the start of March.

Viola, & Em

there will always be haters. we regularly get hate mail about our blog. it really has very little to do with the quality and says a lot more about the people who think it necessary to take the time to express their hatred.

you know, if you wait long enough with fixing body problems there won't be a need for fixing anymore... not eating/drinking got us into a clinic faster than you could say self-care.

Thank you birdsong!

Sorry you get hate mail from your blog. I don't get it, but i agree with you its about the people who write that stuff. Like they're jealous or something, I dunno. They can't make something themselves so they go around trying to knock down what other people make.

And yeah, i get what your saying about health. Em makes sure we eat every day, but its just once a day for the last 8 or 9 days now I think. Been getting stomach aches when we eat, I dunno why. Maybe theres stress but i can't tell.

Viola

Not eating enough can actually cause stomach aches every time you do eat... An unfortunate effect that kind of self-reinforces food restriction. If possible, it might help to try to eat some small and nutritious things a few times a day, that way your body isn't shocked by sporadic intake.
I dunno about you, but I have parts that will come out and eat in my sleep if I'm not feeding myself enough. They'll eat junk if it's available, but if I keep a bunch of fruit in these house, they'll go for that instead. Sometimes you can just make the right food available and let someone else worry about actually consuming it!

Also, good job on the writing! You are so prolific!

Thanks vortexvoid.

I think we've been eating more lately, but tbh im not really sure. If we have, it hasn't been 'good' food, just 'more' food. cos we havent had time to get groceries in like a week. just forzen stuff.

Kinda feels like i'm abit detatched from reality lately, but i don't feel upset or worried about it? Like I feel like i just kinda don't care.

We're busy working. Its a big annual project and its time critical stuff. so like since last tuesday it's just work, every day. leaves us with backpain and exhausted at the end of the day. I dunno if i'm dissociated or if its something else but i'm not myself.

Maybe once this project is over things'll settle down again. Couple more days and we should be done.

Viola et al

Hi team Amythyst. I hope you get it all done, and I hope you’ll be back to taking better care of yourself soon.

Sending good thoughts.

We finished the big project last week, and now it's month-end stuff. We had hopes of taking a week off this month, but we're not sure if that will actually happen.

Viola is still our 'main front person' and she has moments where she's functional and coherent. Overall though we're not doing well.

Amythyst wrote:Kinda feels like i'm abit detatched from reality lately, but i don't feel upset or worried about it? Like I feel like i just kinda don't care.
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I dunno if i'm dissociated or if its something else but i'm not myself.

Viola has been continuing her writing and it's been a creative outlet for her, and also a kind of escapism. But she continues to worry about losing touch with reality.

When she went to therapy last week, she seemed to be blended. Not with an alter though, she was blended with a fictional character from her book.

Yesterday she was editing a chapter, and discovered what she believes was a 'hidden message' from that same character. Something that the character wanted her to know. She was disturbed by both the content of the message, and the fact that it existed at all.

On the one hand this isn't causing us any direct harm or putting us at risk. On the other hand it scares some of us. We've had other revelations lately about how our perceptions are skewed and possibly 'delusional'.

Some of us were clinging to the belief that, no matter what else was going on with the DID, at least we hadn't lost touch with reality, at least we knew what was 'real' and what wasn't. Now we aren't so sure that is true, and it scares some of us.

We still believe we're making progress in therapy though, and some of us are pointing to that and remembering something we read here, by birdsong I believe, that progress and stability are inversely proportional. Therefore the price of our recent / ongoing progress, is our current instability.

Congratulations on finishing the project!

It's really tough to worry about reality like that. I remember when I was a child (around 6 or 7), I played a pretend game for two years straight. I believed everything had to do with that game, and had to be looked at from the context of the game. It never stopped.
The game was based on a book I'd read, in which a girl reads a book and things from that book start happening in real life. She finds out that she can do things in real life to influence the book.
With a friend, we decided that everything in the book represented either her or me. Later we expanded it to the idea that everything in the world represented either her or me. That's how we ended up with a lot of theories about reality... like that there was a secret pathway to a secret room upstairs in our school where the teachers hurt people. Or that I would be hurt when touching silverware, because I'm actually a vampire.

It turned into that same blurring of reality, and at the time it served a real purpose. My mind didn't have to realize that devastating things that happened in my life were actually not part of the game. The game allowed me to dissociate and blur reality. So my mind would be protected.

That's why I feel like the blurring of reality could also serve a protective function for you, too. It sounds more dissociative than delusional to me.