Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Thanks Gang,

We don't know if the puppy will always be there. T said Penny was gonna be trained to be a therapy dog and that they were gonna get Penny her own webcalendar so people could book appointments with her, lol.

I think I'm back to being me for now. There's alot of stuff thats bothering me tho.

Viola

I found out dogs don't bother me now if they are not my dog. When I had a dog for a while it was too much responsibility. I would wake up and say "why is there a wolf in the house" because they are descended from wolves I think? But I was at a friend's who had a dog and it is quite calming being around a dog.

So a therapy dog for people with DID but who can't take the mental responsibility of a dog sounds like a fantastic thing.

I was bitten by a few dogs until one day a dog leapt at my face and I punched it. Which got me over the fear aspect so they stopped biting me.

Like I said I had a dog but the pressure of trying to look after it properly felt too much. I rescued it. Somebody owed alot of money to bad people and they took his dog. I tried to give the dog back to him but I think he didn't take it because he was too frightened or something but the dog was really well cared for so I knew he loved the dog and wanted to give it back. In the end I had to have the dog rehomed and it was rehomed really well but I learnt it's too much for me.

It'd be nice to be able to spend time with a therapy dog though so it's great your therapist is doing that.

We're still around & stuff. Or... not around but like, still alive and we come and read here alot and want to reply alot but don't have the spoons. Sending positive thoughts to all our friends on here & thoughts of support & stuff. Sorry I can't write to you all more.

Had a long conversation with the mother a few days ago, I'm not sure when. i think some stuff kinda sunk in for her tho, like she was sorta saying like "i know you have a bad day now and then" and we were like, "no. its not like out of a week we have one or two bad days. Out of a week we have a handful of good hours." and like told her we were having a good hour at the time so thats why we were able to call.

Like there's just an hour or two a day hwen we're clear and lucid and present and stuff, then its all just fuzzy & surreal & stuff.

I've given up trying to worry about stuff like what's real and what isn't. Cindy was here for 3 weeks or so, she fronted a bunch, she got herself a notebook and wrote abunch of stuff.

I was worried she was a character from a story that came to life. She was convinced she came from another world, an alternate dimension or whatever, another earth. She managed to get back home about a week ago. I've had a few brief messages from her since then.

So either that means she's got her own inner world (like Kate) and the stories i've been seeing from her life & her friends & stuff are just like, things going on in her inner world. Or maybe she's really from another earth in another dimension and somehow thres a psychic connection between her and me and she managed to come over here for a few weeks to visit.

I know which of those scenarios our T thinks is true, and I know which one Cindy thinks is true, but i don't think there's any way to like, objectively prove or disprove either theory. And I don't think it matters. I don't care any more.

most of our system is still super quiet and I kinda miss Cindy now that she's gone again. Melissa's around, Em's kinda in hte background. I heard from V2 yesterday, and "L" last week. but nothing's like it was a couple months ago.

Most of the time i'm just in a fog, no idea how much time i'm losing every day but probably alot.

There's a growing pile of bills and stuff that i havent been able to deal with and other work stuff that's like a week overdue but i keep forgetting to do it.

Its so hard to stick to routines and schedules cos like, half the stuff we used to do we cant anymore and that just makes the rest of the stuff fall apart too.

viola

We're glad to hear from you, Viola. And we hope that things get better for you soon.

MDs

Viola and All,

We just wanted to say that we hear you and are sending our best wishes to you all! It sounds like a tough time at the minute. We're sending out peaceful and positive vibes to you all, and wishing you all the very best!

We hope you can get some nice rest and relaxation too, if you can.

Wishing you all the very best


Gothika

thanks MDs, thanks Gothika!

i'm still not really with it, just like, drifting thru the fog & stuff.

I guess we're still here tho so thats ok?

keep well.

viola

*** trigger warning - not sure what, specifically but it feels like it needs one ***

I think i'm having a kinda slow-burn crisis of reality. I think its been going on for a few months. I might have already been aware of this before & then forgotten, & only just figuring it out again now. Cos that's how our brain works.

when we're asleep, dreaming, there's a kinda metaphorical 'big red button' that's effectively an 'eject' or 'abort' button. we can't usually control our dreams, (tho sometimes we can) but what we can almost always do, is eject ourselves out of them when they get bad. like we almost always know we're dreaming and so we have that option to abort & wake up. basically, when we decide the dream's reality is unpleasant or unfun, we can catapult ourselves out of that reality & into the next one up the stack, bringing us back here to this reality.

i'm thinking about this right now because its (finally!!!!) just dawned on me that there's a big red 'abort' button here too and if i find it, i can press it, and catapult myself into the next one up. i can wake up from this reality into the one above it.

there is also some measure of fear because that will mean giving up what we know and all of this will probably fade and seem like a dream. but i still want to find the button. i mean metaphorically cos i know it's basically just a though process. actually its alot like a spell. find the process, trigger that pattern of thoughts, and wake up in another reality.

maybe thats how magic really works. its like lucid dreaming in the current framework. waking our mind up to the next level while keeping our consiousness on this level, and then editing the reality around us. the magic isn't in the spells or the words, those are just handy mnemonics to put us in the right mindset.

i'm scared & sad & feeling lost & abit hopeless with this world. i want things to be better & feel like its not gonna happen here, not any time soon. i understand that maybe i'm simply 'going crazy' but its hard to feel worried about that because again, this reality isnt really all that great. its not doing much for us any more. its literally like a dream that's gone on too long and the fun's all gone. its time to either make it fun or just wake up.

we have a pile of unopened mail on our desk, bills & cheques. 'urgent' stuff thats been here a month. we really gotta deal with it, and some other work stuff etc. i've been avoiding it because it doesn't feel important any more. its no longer as 'real' as it used to be, tho i am aware if i ignore it for too long there will be consequences because other people still consider this stuff 'real'.

i might try to deal with this stuff today, so that we're finally free of it, then maybe i can try and wake up.

viola

Great insights, Viola. And we hear your struggle.

Sending you encouragement.

MDs

Our system is in crisis again, or perhaps still.

We received word last night that our primary source of income may be disappearing in under two months, due to a situation beyond our control. In brief, we provide custom software support for a handful of businesses who are part of a larger organization. That organization is about to depreciate the part of their operation which our customers interface with. As a result, our customers will no longer be able to utilize our services to the extent they had before.

We had known that the business would not last forever, but we'd expected it would die slowly, as our clients disappeared one by one. We hadn't anticipated their head office eliminating the compatibility such that we'd lose all business at the same time, or that it would happen so soon. Or in the middle of a global pandemic.

We have made some enquiries to see if there is a chance of salvaging things, but in the meantime our income and future is in limbo.

That, on top of all the other existing stresses, has pushed Viola beyond her ability to cope at all, which is why I have had to take over today.

We don't know what to do or where to turn, at the moment. We realize that we may have to find other work, but we do not know what other work we are capable of or qualified for. We suspect it is not the best time to be out looking for work regardless.

I have sent an email to our therapist, to see if she has time for an extra session. I'm not sure what use that might be, but I am at a loss for what else to do at the moment.

Rebecca

So sorry that this is happening, Rebecca. We hope it helps to talk with your therapist.

What resources are available for the unemployed in your province, particularly via government agencies and nonprofits?

MDs