Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

Nice work! Be proud of it!

I think our T knew what was going on way before Host told her. Sometimes I think the only one he's fooling is himself.

These days our T gets right down to it. She says - Who needs to talk today? It's kind of like group therapy without the extra bodies. We have some rules. Nobody gets thrown into therapy. Take turns. Most urgent need goes first. Don't hog the time with social sh*t. If you're mad at T you got to tell her personally. If you start something you got to stick around and talk it out. No hit and runs!

Good luck.

Colin

Hi Team BeccaBee

40 replies - that's quite a rabbit-hole you found yourself going down, huh?

I think this is one of those times where you can throw the analyzing, mindful detachment, grounding, stress management - all the other recommended skills - away, and just savor the moment, enjoy the feeling of being proud of your accomplishment!

Well done... Brett

Ok, I know I'm a little "behind" the conversation here, but I so love this thread!

BeccaBee, I think you are my DID-twin... I have a page in my journal that is totally normal handwriting, then suddenly in large, rounded, child-like letters is the word C H O K E, with super-dark ink pressed deeply into the paper (not exactly same as yours, but something similar)!

Also... freaking Colin... I laughed SO HARD where you wrote, "Host was like !" ROFL!!!!! OMG, I am still giggling, I can't stop, LOL!!!

-- Sat Apr 09, 2016 6:02 pm --

P.S. Great job on your progress... I feel so much the same! I was not wanting to tell... waiting for T to tell ME, then finally I just stepped up to the plate and owned it. At first I thought "what a relief, it's finally out," but then the hard work and scary symptoms started... OMG, it's a lot to handle!

update:

we have finished the SCID-D. whew. relief.
amnesia -high
DP- moderate
DR - low
identity confusion - low
identity alteration - moderate to high (not sure)

she hasn't scored or anything. no appt next week. I knew I would be all anxious so I went ahead and asked preliminary wise. well I showed her the coms book too. so yeah. I asked. what do you think? am I tripping myself? what Dx do you think I will score in. she said that prob not DID and most likely some variant of NOS. so relief. DDNOS was where I thought I fell on the spectrum. also, just some validation that I have parts work and that I am not making it up or tricking myself.

also she will not report on insurance paperwork. and just really evident how experience and comfortable she is with DD clients. she is more comfortable with parts then I am.

I phased today though. right in front of her. I knew she caught me. I started to play it off. then remembered I am not supposed to "tell lies" so I came clean that I knew I did. was trying not to. but didn't know why. and couldn't tell how I felt different. other than my left arm felt kind of cold and numb. partly I am embarassed. but....also it is a good indicator that maybe I am a little more comfortable than I thought?

she's tricky too. she knows how to ask a sideways questions...and like, gets the info without letting me know what she's fishing for. idk. it's hard to explain. But she's tricksy. not in a sneaky way. like a sly way. stealthy.

so all in all. relieved. got over a huge hurdle! and my self assessment is more or less in line with my professional assessment. so.... go team! ♡

I call it the Rabbit-Hole all the time. looks like it gets better tho

This is so good to hear! I have been wanting a diagnosis since I started going to therapy, but it hasn't happened yet. I have been too nervous to ask for the SCID-D exam. But have an appointment with a psychologist in a few days... We'll see how that goes.

Congratulations BeccaBee on going through with something so challenging and terrifying!!!

Nicely done, Team BeccaBee!

After working up your courage for the last couple of months, it's no surprise you wanted the results as soon as possible. Imagine waiting....

Knowing where you are really helps you get to where you want to be. And being comfortable with your preliminary Dx is really good news.

Take care... Brett

whelps. it's been wild. I go to work. I take care of the kid. I do my chores. I hustle the finances like always.

but...who exactly has been doing what/when is a bit of a mystery. hair is gone? not sure what I actually last remember since..idk. habits have been swinging wildly. drinking. smoking. ignoring the coms book. video games. not so much internet/reading. I am cooking again.

our system is stirred up. in a way this is good. host has been.....numbing through distraction and disengaged from life. body is a wreck. but house is pretty sweet and kid is hella awesome!! not sure where we are headed. or who we are. pretty solid on when and where we are though.

the last 7 years were some kind of hell. onward brave soldiers! I think we sort of just shut down for a while and host went on. til she broke down and we have been rebuilding since November 2013. long road. this is confusing but there is a pervading sense of a new beginning.

a brave new world. with all of us working together. if we can figure out how.

last week I received my diagnosis. DID. it was a shock and a bummer and then I kind of sucked it up and decided to deal.

today I was feeling like therapy was kind of pointless. I didn't want to go work or my T appt. but I did. because you know, we adult usually.

anyway, it turns out therapy can actually be kind of cool. T invited all the parts to a meeting and there was a pretty good turn out. and it was kind of interesting. like I learned new stuff. somehow with her talking directly to my parts all I really had to do was listen and relay answers. and a new part came which I had only ever had this vague indication of a name only to discover there is way more and my knowledge was on a "need to know basis".

so... yeah, if anyone in cyberspace stumbles across this thread looking for answers. going down the rabbit hole is scary as hell. but I finally feel like maybe there is a point to therapy. and that if you have someone who is experienced and competent they can facilitate stuff you can't on your own. so don't be scared of finding a good T. of telling the truth. of getting diagnosed. of getting treatment. because it can help. and it isn't as scary as your imagination. it does shake things up. but I made a lot more progress in one hour in T's office then many a day of introspection on my own.

I asked why this new part, Roger - apparently a defender/protector with a distinctly secret service bodyguard kind of vibe - i asked why did I not know this? why does he introduce himself to her?

she says maybe the office is a safe place to learn things that maybe don't feel safe to learn at home by myself. and also that he was probably just letting her know that he was keeping an eye on her and sessions.

what i do know is that by her asking questions I learned a lot. and that! was ######6 cool!!! like names, ages, jobs, roles, functions, what they think of other parts. how some parts work together. I learned a lot!

That's so awesome that you learned so much in one T sessions! That's amazing. Congratulations on finding a good therapist, and it sounds like it's a pretty good thing to suddenly get to learn a whole bunch of stuff in one day. Way to stick through some scary moments of getting a different dx than you expected, then challenging yourself to go through therapy even though you thought it it was pointless, to then having what sounds like some breakthrough moments!

Congratulations!