Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

Yeah. Stealth T. Got to watch those. Might actually get good tberapy. Five bucks says she's not surprised.

Colin

BeccaBee wrote:well fuq.

*snerk*

Becca, it sounds like you've got a good T.

MDs

thanks, MD.

I didn't realize having a good T would actually kind of suck. I guess I had this naieve idea that I would magically get better by just showing up and now I am disappointed to discover it is much weirder and harder than I thought.

I think T is waiting for me to disclose. or maybe I am reading into it. idk. she wants me to bring my 'journal'.

I said, "that would be opening a big can of worms"

she says, "that's ok. that's good. we can handle a great big old can of worms in here." or something like that.

I am leaning towards being more honest...but still hesitant. I am still just not sure. maybe it will come out when the time is right. what do you guys think. is that a weird request? she wanted me to bring some old photos so we could talk about it. I didn't like that idea and haven't done it either. it's just way harder than I thought, I guess. classic newb.

BeccaBee wrote:...discover it is much weirder and harder than I thought.

Or you could look at is as interesting and challenging.

BeccaBee wrote:I think T is waiting for me to disclose. or maybe I am reading into it. idk. she wants me to bring my 'journal'.

Journals are fascinating and very informative Also very personal. Put it all out there, or just show her sections.

BeccaBee wrote:she says, "that's ok. that's good. we can handle a great big old can of worms in here." or something like that.

She is creating a safe space for you to talk about things. There is something amazing to be said about having a safe, calm, non-judgemental, compassionate space that to process things in. It is almost palpable.

BeccaBee wrote:she wanted me to bring some old photos so we could talk about it. I didn't like that idea and haven't done it either.

Old photos would encourage you to talk about your past, in just a gentle way. By the way you recall events, the way you communicate them now, and the way you react to them, would give her some indication of any attachment/detachment issues you have with your childhood that you may have carried over in adulthood. All in your own time.

BeccaBee wrote:it's just way harder than I thought, I guess. classic newb.

If it was easy everyone would be doing it. She sounds competent enough: considerate, patient but at the same time prepared to give you the little guided nudge you may need at times. It sounds like she is exploring, but in a very soft-touch manner, waiting for your reaction. If you feel safe with her, take her hints but progress at a pace that you can manage. It is your treatment, on your timetable.

Feedback to her is also very important. Any misgivings, or discomfits that appear should be communicated to her - that is indispensable.

Good luck...Brett

thanks Brett. this is a perfect example of how helpful a support person can really add perspective.

I guess I haven't exactly set an easy task for T. I want therapy but don't really want to talk about anything! ha! no wonder she is poking! what else can she do?

you have really given me some food for thought. thank you.

maybe I will bring my can of worms. fuq it.

I keep thinking about this part in one of my favorite video games, the last of us. there is this cut scene where the main character (joel) says in a tired, grumpy, exasperated way... "can we just get on with it?" and that is exactly how part of me feels. time to $#%^ or get off the pot, as they say.

You're welcome Team BeccaBee. Wishing you all the best... Brett

Hi BeccaBee,

Yeah. A good T kind of sucks. They're actually ready to work on stuff. We've had some not so good Ts before. They're easy. Neither one of us wanted to work on anything hard. So we didn't. We were frustrated at the end. Now we have a good T. She says - Bring it on! We do. Scary sh*t!

You're right. It gets weirder.

So early on Host shows up at therapy. He thinks he's been SO careful.
T says - Is there something more we should be talking about?
Host is like -
T puts our last 3 checks on the table. Different handwriting all over the place!
Host is like - OH CR*P!!!!
T doesn't bat an eye and says - Let's talk.
SO BUSTED!

I say - Go for it! You need to find out if this T can do the job.

Colin

Balls to the wall. Go for it.

BeccaBee wrote:I didn't realize having a good T would actually kind of suck. I guess I had this naieve idea that I would magically get better by just showing up and now I am disappointed to discover it is much weirder and harder than I thought.

Yep. We had the same belief, in a way. Or a variation on it, that progress in T would always be linear. It isn't. We'd also like to heal more quickly than we're able, but we know that pushing ourselves too far would be disastrous.

BeccaBee wrote:I think T is waiting for me to disclose. or maybe I am reading into it. idk. she wants me to bring my 'journal'.

I said, "that would be opening a big can of worms"

she says, "that's ok. that's good. we can handle a great big old can of worms in here." or something like that.

We're liking her more and more.

BeccaBee wrote:I am leaning towards being more honest...but still hesitant. I am still just not sure. maybe it will come out when the time is right. what do you guys think. is that a weird request? she wanted me to bring some old photos so we could talk about it. I didn't like that idea and haven't done it either. it's just way harder than I thought, I guess. classic newb.

Thanks for asking what we think; this means a lot to us.

Not too long ago, in T, we were talking about a specific trauma that's central to the emergence of a specific insider. The incident is represented by a particular childhood photo. As we were talking about the incident and the insider's feelings and the effect on us all, our T suggested that we bring in the photo. We haven't. While the insider was helped by dealing with the incident in T, the trauma is by no means completely healed, and we believe that revisiting it via the photo would be too much to handle. We might end up destroying the photo in anger, and we don't want to do so.

Whether you bring in your journal and/or photos is up to you. For quite a while you were reluctant to consider seeing a T at all; now you not only see one, but she's a good one, and you're making progress while still moving at your own pace. We're confident that you'll continue to do so, even if you're not sure how to proceed right now.

MDs

Holy $#%^ I did it!!!!!

I actually did it!!!!

oh. my. gosh. it was sooooo hard! I kept feeling sicker and sicker all day. .and then I got woozy and trying to get it out was so hard but I finally managed to disclose! and the relief I felt- still feel is incredible! I am so glad for the encouragement. really don't think I could have taken this step without y'all. I even mentioned that I probably would never have gotten here without y'alls support. sweet mercy, I feel almost euphoric!

she took it in stride. my spidey sense tells me she was waiting for it and was not in the least suprised. we are supposed to do the SCID thing which feels cool because I know diddly squat about it other than it is the diagnostic tool of choice. I love that since I don't know anything about content, structure, or scoring that I can't contaminate the results so I will hopefully get an accurate picture of where I fall on the dissociative spectrum.

Colin, what you said about the T and checks cracked me up!

MD, thanks for giving me perspective on how far i have come.

I don't know what's on the other side of this.... but I am damn proud of myself.