Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

I remember PTSD being the first (self) diagnosis that even came close to making sense. like I always knew there was something, but it wasn't borderline or bipolar or MDD./GAD.

sometimes I can see the DID as a relief almost. because it explains everything that wrong. so instead of feeling like I have 20 things wrong with me. I can feel like this one thing manifests in 20 different ways.

I can't remember anything these days. I think I must be switching a lot. I wish whoever cleaned the house would come around.

whelps. time to bicker in my head about the chores now. bye

I think even harder than the initial appointment was going back. I had about thirty seconds at the door with the sudden desire to turn tail but I went.

she wanted to do a timeline to I guess get a bit of an idea about my trauma history. but I wanted to talk about self care since I am feeling so worn down by the grind of daily existence. we talked about self care and coping with the job. that was cool that she listened.

this is rattling the system I can tell. but I want to get better. I want all of us to get better. I think there is some opposition inside. like..... I am about to be poking around where I shouldn't. idk. hard time sleeping last night.

Hi BeccaBee (and littlebee!),

Congrats! You made it through the second session!!! Second sessions are really HARD! We've had lots of second sessions that we weren't brave enough to go. We have parts who think talking to ANYONE is a really really bad idea. Mostly they are right but not always. Some Ts are definitely worth it. Glad you are taking care of yourself!

Iain

IainEtc wrote:PTSD (People inside Trying to Stop the next Disaster)

Love it!

Allegra and others

Strange experience just now.....

I have been rugged and tough me. I do not like the jewelry and makeup and stuff. I do not feel male. I just like purposeful, useful, durable things. I ordered new boots and good shades because we need them. anyway. I was writing in the coms book
just for scientific handwriting sample type reason. and I just got like shutdown. and then $#%^ got weird.

**trigger warning*** choking

I got real mad and angry and wrote choke choke choke over and over and then I started crying and was getting like random flashes of memory from when I was 13 or so and it isn't like I actually remembered anything. just random stuff. like a unicorn shirt I had but I think it was maybe significant. I closed my eyes and just tried to write and a couple of things from the random jumble of images were a bit freaky. like belt or hands and knees. I remembered a drowning thing before but I actually knew about that. I just didn't know-know. but this i have no idea of. and just scary, scary to be feeling really normal and then just lose it in the journal like that. pencil lead breaking, paper ripping. angry. and "choke" over and over.

I have always been hypervigilant about my neck. no clothing near it, or anything but the longest necklace. I don't even like collars.

I don't know that I actually have a question...but just wanted to share because the experience was disturbing and will no doubt fade from memory.

maybe I am into all the rugged outdoorsy survival stuff because.... because I don't know why. Maybe I think tough people don't get hurt.

anyway. thanks for reading. over and out.

it is really confusing when intense feelings come up with or without images. i've had that happen as well. i always think something super bad happened. well, i do know a lot did happen..but part of me knows some other things did happen too. but i also wonder if some emotions are related to some memories i do have and just aren't linked which keeps them separated from each other yet both known and just can't be processed for whatever reason. i can remember some trauma memories without emotion or sometimes with (the same ones). then there are memories i just don't have at all with triggers i don't understand.

****TW****

i don't like things near my neck either. i recently recalled one of my sister's friend's when i was between 8 and 10 coming at me and then choking me. my mom told me that we had an argument, and the girl got mad and did that. i remembered it like she was just standing there and randomly came at me for no reason. it turned out she had a brain tumor that caused her to do irrational things. not that it excused it at all.

****end TW****

i used to have an online journal. it was easier for things to come out then, but the site got shut down with no decent replacement. i'm glad we have a forum to go to though. it helps to have things in one place but also to be able to get feedback.

BeccaBee wrote:Strange experience just now.....

I have been rugged and tough me. I do not like the jewelry and makeup and stuff. I do not feel male. I just like purposeful, useful, durable things. I ordered new boots and good shades because we need them. [...]

I have always been hypervigilant about my neck. no clothing near it, or anything but the longest necklace. I don't even like collars. [...]

maybe I am into all the rugged outdoorsy survival stuff because.... because I don't know why. Maybe I think tough people don't get hurt.

We avoid makeup like the plague. With the males, tomboys, outdoorsy females, and the asexual folks, none of us want to go near it. Or don't want to bother. Those of us most vigilantly against it see it as (1) a stereotypical concept of femininity meant to subjugate women and increase the profits of the One Percent and their minions, (2) high-priced dirt, that is, an artificial substance obscuring our skin and serving no medically beneficial purpose, and (3) not worth the time and effort, which would be better spent sleeping.

We actually prefer turtlenecks. We have three drawers of them, and all three are so stuffed full that they could probably fill a fourth. We avoid button-downs because we (read: Laura) don't want to waste time and energy buttoning and unbuttoning buttons. Same with ironing. Turtlenecks require neither. And we find that more often than not, the collar stretches/droops after repeated use anyway.

Your Mileage May Vary (tm).

As for the "rugged and tough me," Aurora17 wears combat fatigues and army boots on the inside, although we have no outside equivalent. The closest we come is having been a fan of "M*A*S*H" when it was originally on the air. Drew (adult female, asexual) has a brown leather bomber jacket that we wear regularly when the weather is in the 40F range. Big Joe (16), Reckless (16f), and Twelve (12f) share a black leather motorcycle jacket, which we haven't worn in at least 15 years, and we don't even know if it fits anymore.

MDs

well fuq.

I think I have a good T. but that doesn't necessarily mean I like it. I was kind of weird anyway today. I had trouble at work. my dexterity was not good.And then I was feeling oogy. like I had scars that I knew were mine on my arms and hands but they weren't familiar and it was just kind of bothering me how my arms and hands looked. and I don't know but I was hoping I could just like have some kind of easy day but then it didn't turn out so easy.

I think this is likely the best T in my area. best one I have ever seen for sure. she clearly knows her $#%^. but damn. it's hard. she made an observation and I know it must have really hit home. because I had a very strong emotional reaction. like visceral. and then I got a little time loopy and was trying to orient in the present. then I had some body weirdness where it felt way, way, way too big. and I don't get the body weirdness much. that's the DP stuff right?

gah. anyway. I guess I am hesitating about the work involved. I don't want to go down that gritty road. I have really glossed over the D stuff. like barely mentioned it. she wants me to bring my "journal". if I go that route there will be no more glossing over. I am on the edge of a precipice and scared to jump.

the waffling is pointless though. there are parts of me still in the dark down that need a rescue mission. and we don't need to be a bunch of damn sissies about it.

I am just scared. I got a good T, but I am scared to commit.

Hi BeccaBee,

It's hard to commit. Even with a good T. Maybe mostly with a good T because they're ready to go. We put off telling the truth a long time. Like years. Lots of boring therapy that never helped. Our fault because we stayed hidden. It's different this time.

I know you're brave enough. That's what it takes. I keep pushing the system because we're working on a rescue mission too. It's a long way down and definitely hard to go in there. But if it wasn't a bad place nobody would need rescuing right?

You can do this. Take care of yourself. Take care of your team. Let your team take care of you.

Let us know how it goes.

Colin

thanks, colin.

I can manipulate just about everyone I meet. this T sees right through it so that is kind of a pain in my ass. but it is all about the rescue left mission. I am not leaving a soldier behind. so I have to find the courage to come out of the closet. I feel kind of angry at her with all this poke-poke-poking. like it is normal conversation and she tricks me into doing actual therapy work.

ha. she might get a suprise at what pops out, huh?