Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

I have been wrestling with the realization of my own mortality. Death comes. inevitably. and I don't know when the when or how but it is starting to finally apply to me. that I'm already in line and waiting my turn to dance with the reaper. from my journal--

"cruising up on 35. thirty ######6 five. and what do I have to show for it? for my life? all my turmoil and struggles and pain and sorrow? each choice. each victory. every failure and defeat has led to this cocktail of circumstance I call my life and why? for what?

it feels meaningless.
a life without purpose.
a life without direction.
a life half-lived
half forgotten
half whole.

my half life. but even that notion takes for granted that I will make it to 70! will I? so many don't. what if this is not my half life? what if it is my 3/4 life? or 90% of my life?

what if I have already lived my life and I just don't know it yet?"

Hi Beccabee,

Mortality sucks. Host thinks about stuff like that a lot. Our T says some of the meaninglessness is because Host is disconnected from the rest of us. It's like he's hollow only he's not it's just the DID.

Hope you feel better soon.

Iain

And it sucks even more after 50.

Various MDs, who are all waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay younger than that for a reason....

Hi Team BeccaBee

I've met an 89 year old, short, little, Chinese man who hit me so fast I didn't even see it! Just felt it: 9.5 times in one second He'd passed 70 by more years than I'd been alive.

BeccaBee wrote:it feels meaningless.

And therein lies the ultimate beauty: if it is meaningless, you have the freedom to make it mean whatever you want it to mean. Instead of spinning yourself around 'the meaning of life', why not spin the 'meaning of life' around you?

YOU are the meaning of life. Every action, thought, and emotion, irrespective of how small, subtle and forgotten it may feel, has created the experience that is your life. You have essentially created your experience of the Universe for yourself - that is hardly meaningless.

Thank you... Brett

all that introspection sounded a bit morose didn't it?

I think this bday could be a good thing. a little fear of mortality could get me taking my health more seriously. take vitamins, watch my cholesterol, etc.

also it's good to take stock of your life at milestone birthdays. I really didn't have a purpose to my life before the kid. becoming a parent gave my life meaning and purpose. being a mom has defined me.

but here I am, 10 years out from being freed from the Mom Yoke! I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything under the sun. kid is my world. but in 10 years she'll be flying the coop and I will be free! so I've got 10 years to build my dream life. plan my future. whether it's a cabin in the woods doing subsistence living off grid. or seeing the world. or slaving in corporate america, or working on a cruise ship, or being an arborist or whatever.

I've got the first part out of the way. made my dumb mistakes. earned my grey hairs. I can consciously choose my future and begin crafting the life of my dreams. I've got 10 years to make it happen. provided my body keeps ticking.

Hi Team BeccaBee

Nah, it didn't sound morose. We could all do with sharing...

If you can swing a cabin in the woods, can you make that two, please!

Take care... Brett

Team Bee has turned an important corner. It was mainly due to the support and feedback of forum members. I am once again grateful for the support community here.

SHTF following the Valor Rescue Mission where Aelen was recovered and Marga released. The trunk was moved to the fault and the dark down was renovated to an open alcove adjacent to the courtyard.

When the system was going to retrieve some memory from marga we were shut down. completely off. this was Li'l b. she did a hard system shut down and went into hiding. central Ops was never rebooted so OC wasn't on and Tom couldn't track. without these essential parts the system was in disarray with little to no communication and high amnesia.

Central Ops is up and running. OC is rebooting. Tom is calibrating instrumentation. and a meeting has been called.

so....I am guessing that would be destabilization, right?

even though we took a few steps back we are now able to move forward again. in this long and arduous process. let's hope it's worth it.

congratulations!
maybe this wasnt even a step back, the path just had an unexpected twist and opened up new possibilities and understanding
just never give up on each other. you are doing so well, thru it all.

Great news Becca! And good word, arduous.

Hi Beccabee,

Glad you're back online.

Iain