Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

****Trigger Warning**** ~Denial~

I am having a hard time the last while. To be faced with such overwhelming evidence when you've been thinking your ok the whole time. and to just realize it. I know that I am not supposed to use labels but I can help just thinking, "holy $#%^, I'm really and truly, actually crazy. not 'might be'. am.

and it is just so shocking. my mind is blown. I have spent the last day looking around and paying attention. to the camera roll in my phone. posts here on this forum. the coms books. and I know deep down how close I have been to this epiphany before. how long I suspected. but I try to reach out and grab these memories. and it's like a bubble floating by and as soon as you touch it, it's just gone.

I'm half worried that I will discard this and go back to what I was doing. but I don't want to be in the dont book anymore. I want to be on the team. but I am scared and shocked. like I feel like I finally *know* it. I just can't *believe* it.

I am tumbling down the rabbit hole.

Hi BeccaBee,

Things sound hard right now.

Hosts do the denial thing sometimes. Then it breaks down and they get hurt. Somebody wrote that it's the host's job to 'go on as though nothing has happened'. Hosts learn to go to work and take care of the system no matter what. It's really noble if you think about it. The downside is sometimes all the denied things fall on you all at once. Then it's easy to feel ashamed and crazy. Be gentle with yourself. Don't blame yourself for doing a good host job.

Iain
I'm not a host but it's my job to support our Host so I watch hosts a lot.

My host is still in denial, even after I created this account and use it to talk to others. He can't let himself believe that there is something so broken with him, so wrong with him. He must be acting, he wants to believe.

Ultimately you must believe what is real, even if it hurts and you don't want to. It's better to know the truth than to live a lie. What matters is that you're trying, and it's okay to slip back into denial sometimes as long as you can pull yourself back out again and keep moving forward.

Now, how do I convince this one that I am "real?"

Hi BeccaBee

I gave myself some advice recently... when I was feeling particularly confused about the entire situation.

When the monk spoke again, his voice was filled with compassion. “Young man, the only way you can fail at walking Your Path is not to walk it at all. That is the only mistake you can make. Be courageous and always place one foot in front of the other. Each step will reveal Your Path to you. You cannot fail if you simply continue to walk it.”

From: https://learningtolovetheridebook.wordpress.com/2015/10/31/find-a-path/
It's a bit tongue in cheek - I was trying to have some fun around a book that I'd read recently - but it is spot on.
Congratulations, you can now move forward, wherever it takes you.
Good journeying...

BeccaBee wrote:"holy $#%^, I'm really and truly, actually crazy. not 'might be'. am"

Is that a bad thing? It's loads more fun! And nobody questions our behavior Bossman even derailed a bully by just outright declaring he was a loon XD The look on her FACE!! Absolutely hilarious! I wonder how long it took her to close her mouth? Almost wish we had stayed to see, but no need to waste our lunch-time

Hi BeccaBee,

Hope you're doing better. I was reading your post again and thinking maybe it's time for a therapist. I mean this is the kind of stuff a good therapist can help you get through. I'm not trying to bother you - just thought I'd say.

Iain

Been there, done that.

There is a world of difference between feeling crazy and being crazy. So try to stop applying the crazy label to yourself. It does not fit.

You are not crazy and you are not alone.

Thank you for the support everybody. it was nice too see so many different takes on it.

lain would you mind telling me a bit more about hosts? (btw, I appreciate the gentle nudge towards therapy, I have been sliding closer to that idea for a while. it helps.)

I am curious about the host thing. I think I might be that? but I don't really know what they are. in the coms book i saw someone ask for "The Mom/Household Runner" and I am sure that was me. and what you said kind of resonated with me.

I think I read somewhere about the Host(s) being the one(s) who front the most. I just figure as I'm the one with the boring job of managing body function and our life in general, aside from being ringleader of this circus, makes me the Host. But that's just my take on it.

The Alter alter who has executive control over the body most of the time is known as "the Host." The Host personality may or may not be the individual's original personality, or Original.

It's been our experience that the Host may change over the years. In my wife's System, whenever a new Alter manifested itself, as a result of a traumatic incident, etc., that Alter settled into the role of Host for a period of time. As the situation resolved itself, or another situation arose - requiring another Alter - that Host faded into the background and the new Alter took on the Host responsibilities.

This explains why over the course of her life she has behaved markedly differently over the years.

Now, however, there are a number of Alters, some quite complex, mature and powerful, and there is constant struggle for executive control of the System. The current Host (Miki, 31) is bone-weary trying to manage all the Alters and can no longer 'run the show' effectively. We're not sure how that's going to play out.

Take care...