How are you today thread (trigger warning)

First day with Akane working went well for the most part. But he overworked himself and ended up falling asleep (no one noticed as far as we know), with me waking up in control a few min later. He was awake for a little while afterwards in our inner world, now he's fully asleep. He deserves it, he did way better than I would have.
~Alex

I keep thinking I need a hobby of some kind. I need something to keep my mind occupied and keep me busy, that isn't stressful. Like, most of my time has either been work, excercise, or reading books on DID.

When we take time for leisure, it's other parts. Teen Violet has her music, the littles watch cartoons, Mike watches sports, etc. When the weather gets nicer I can go hiking or bike riding, but until then even V2 has said I need a hobby.

Except when I start looking around for something fun to do, I get another voice in my head telling me "No! If you have time for hobbies, you have time you should be working! Don't waste time on useless nonsense!"

So I end up doing nothing, or I just turn things over to someone else so they're doing fun things instead of me.

-Violet (1)

We got more than a foot of snow, and we've been working from home for the second straight day. Unavoidable, as we have a strict deadline to meet.

The snow shovelers came but only did the public sidewalk, and not the driveway or the walk up to the house. We had to call our landlord (who lives three hours away) and ask him to have them come again. They came back within half an hour and finished the job, but we're still going to stay home today.

Our real-estate agent was also snowed in when we called him at 9am. Our plan to see an apartment this evening (rescheduled from last Thursday evening) is now shot. It's highly unlikely that this apartment will still be available next week.

Gonna check a few more threads here and then resume work in a few minutes.

MDs

Not dead. Going through hard times as our condition has not improved. Still unable to work. Going to apply for disability. Looking for residential treatment. Already turned down by one center for having DID. (They can't treat it.) Being interviewed by another center today. Going to be tested for autism in a few weeks. Already quite sure we have Asperger's syndrome, though.

Hoping all is well.

- Trixie

I dunno what it is but it seems everyone's having difficult times these days.

Our day started off with another flashback & a lot of depersonalization / derealization, that kind of set the tone for the rest of the day. Now just feeling tired and lazy and sorry for myself.

I know what I should do, but I don't wanna. Gonna sit here and procrastinate a while, and see if that helps.

Violet (1)

we have been, since yesterday, been in a state of happy relief, after a personal matter had been resolved with a positive outcome! We still are experiencing mood swings with tiresome regularity however which are energy sapping. We are doing our best to make positive choices.

rant ahead:

every ######6 body just wanting a piece of me. really love to se you yada yada yada yada ######6 #######4. I want to SAY NO TO EVERYTHING!!!

can people just not have their own ######6 lives and leave someone alone? and then the ######6 guilt trips over it when you do say no. am I surrounded by codependent or somwthing?

I am absolutely exhausted. my house is a ######6 wreck. I am beyond swamped at work. but by all means let me make ######6 sure that I schedule time in for you, since apparently you're existence hinges on my social availability.

and then I do schedule someone in......and can't it be sooner? nope. I'm ######6 BUSY. yes. I am scheduling into May, no it cannot be sooner.

what the ###$ do people want/need from me? I don't ######6 get this need people have to just socialize for no ######6 reason whatsoever.

I am at max capacity and I just feel like i'm being eaten alive by piranhas.

seriously need peeps to back the ###$ up and chill the ###$ out. I am ######6 busy and I protect my spoons. so ###$ off.

aaaarrrrgggh. I just want a bit o' peace.

@Violet: Please consider mind games like chess, for example. It has real potential to keep your mind busy for many years to come. You are able to make progress, getting better; that prevents feeling useless or simply procrastinating. Also, the longer you do it, the more it relaxes. I mean, any structured hobby which has a specified aim/goal and focuses your mind (keeps the mind busy) ... any structured hobby you will get used to it; it’s predictable although at the same time challenging. By the way practising chess has improved my memory a lot.

Wish you success, Violet; hopefully you find a hobby, be it chess or another, preventing psychic entropy of the mind (or worse).

throw a housecleaning party. or whatever you are behind with. if people want to spend time with you they can come and help you and be useful while you talk.
we have the opposite problem. losing friends. and its a real effort to see someone every other week

This weekend feels like we've really wasted it or lost it or whatever. Had a flashback Friday morning, and since then it seems like we've had a lot of micro-amnesias, lots of small periods of missing time, and probably a lot of switching.

Yesterday seemed like a very short day, but I think I was only around for about half of it. I thought we had a good long full night's sleep last night, even slept in an hour this morning. But someone tells me we were up around 2am, which I have no memory of, and no idea what we were doing or how long we were up.

And feeling sorry for myself, I was trying to contrast how I feel now, with what life was like before our breakdown, before our DID awareness. Like, are we doing better now, or are we doing worse.

And I realized I can't -- I don't know what it was like before.

I remember various details of previous host's life, I have a sort of general idea of how she lived, but I do not know what it was like for her. Was she happy? Was she hopeful? Did she have plans for the future? I have no idea. I only remember the parts that concerned me at the time, eg. excercise and health goals.

I only know what life was like beginning after her breakdown and my taking over as host. Which in retrospect I guess shouldn't be surprising, but for some reason it still troubles me. Like my autobiographical sense of self is only 4 months old, and prior to that everything is more like a very incomplete story from a book or something.

Meh, I don't know what my point is. Just random sunday morning nonsense.

I hope things are improving for everyone else.

-Violet (1)