How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Grappling with this new diag and today wishing i didnt have it. Feeling alone and misunderstood and confused (even doubting the diag itself), afraid everytime i loose touch with some parts, mad at the docs where i am currently hospitalised for not even trying to understand my condition. Not sure if i'm heading back towards phyisical safety, if so i'm wondering why when ony a few days ago the violent parts were fully out and we were beggining to understand them. And then too much stress happened and empty shell and now.. i don't even know what I is. And it is tiring to not have any rock to lean on but myself and when i shatter... no one is there to catch. Exhausted too. Hopefully a good night sleep can help, ..until I remember the doctors will see me tomorrow and i have 0 trust in their judgement as to what direction this hospitalisation should take..it will be 2 months tomorrow since i arrived to this ward
Whishing right now this was all a dream or at least a game of my own creation, which i sometimes, in cycles, do believe it to be. Although i've had to admit i have no control over it