I can't evaluate our "relationship" anymore. Atleast not consistently. Either I am very optimistic and it'll all be good, or the exact opposite. I flip from one extreme to the other.

One trigger causes a chain-reaction. I start to obsess, my mood changes and the whole way I perceive the situation changes dramatically. As a consequence of this I either wanna continue with her, try to adapt to the new situation or break up with her. Nothing in between. Either I see her as the right person for me and actually sugarcoat our problems and intense, unstable "relationship" or I see all this as a complete hell sucking me further into complete destruction. Judging all this rationally and objectively? Impossible. Having a consistent and realistic attitude concerning the situation? Impossible. This makes it very difficult to make the right decisions..

Very early on I did some research on borderline personality disorder. RIght after she told me she was suffering from it. I was reading up all advice on how to deal with this in a relationship. Trying to understand. But I never really considered having some of these traits myself. I never really reflected, looked in the mirror, just to see that I was seeing myself in her behavior. The reason why it got so intense was/is because we were/are so similar. Two people with borderline traits meeting together and falling in love..The intensity of that, it's incredible. Most people can't even comprehend it. But with all the positive aspects of all this come the negative aspects. It was good..too good. I should've noticed my borderline traits from the beginning.
My feelings for her, the idealization, putting her on a pedestal. This rescue fantasy I had, giving myself up for her..That's not real love..it just isn't. Not even thinking about the future, breaking apart is absolutely unimaginable. It's just out of the question, it won't happen..No matter what...
She was my compensation. I was at a point where I was about to give up. Severely depressed, isolated, lonely, sad and frustrated..I was in a hole, a dark world that I thought I would never get out..And then she came around, as if it was destiny..

I remember one time when she was ignoring me (she was out partying). I felt very strong negative emotions. It's called devaluation, I guess. After all these positive emotions, the clinging etc., she disappointed me for the first time. Here my entry:
"why? why does she do this to me? i liked her and i thought she liked me..

i ###$ hate people, i really do. now the, i thought, greatest person ive ever met, that gave me attention, love and affection stabs me in the back. she plays with me, ignores me. WHY THE ###$ DO YOU DO THIS TO ME FFS? I TRUSTED YOU. I LET YOU IN MY WORLD. I WANTED TO HELP AND SUPPORT YOU. WHY THE F*** CANT YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME? i

i thought u were different..i never had these kinds of feelings for anybody..never has a girl been so supportive, considerate and affectionate. and now? you show me the exact opposite!

please..prove me wrong. i cant live without you, the conversations, the love and affection you gave me and all the other great things about that beautiful person that is you.

you mean the world to me, u really do..please, dont disappoint mel ike everyone else did. NOT YOU..it would destroy me.."

I was agitated and very emotional. I ignored this, never thought about it. But this was very intense..It just .. wasn't normal. It was a first warning sign..

I could write a book about our "relationship". How it all started, in what positions we were when we first met. The first few days, weeks and months. The first time we met IRL. The first intimate moments we shares together, the conversations, the phone calls. And even the bad times. Right now, the emotional rollercoaster we're both going through, the arguments, reconciling afterwards.

Even if it were to end soon, it's been a great time and I have learned alot from this experience.

It has changed me forever..

The way she dresses. The way she neglects me, doesn't care about my feelings and thoughts anymore, withdraws, wants more "space". How she doesn't tell me anymore what she's been doing all day. How she told me a few weeks ago that she's afraid she might cheat on me at some point.

Today I had a nice conversation with her.
"Will this ever change?"
"I don't know"
"As we never get to talk, probably not.."
"No, that's not how it is."
"and why not?"
"hm"
"yes?"
.. no reply from her
"you have to have something on your mind.."
No reply from her since then..wtf?

It all fits together so perfectly that when I ask her if she cheats on me she has absolutely no right to complain about me having suspicions...right?
But at the same time I have to be careful. Again, I am very emotional right now as I got triggered several times today. I might say something to her that might ruin our relationship for good..

But this behavior from her has to stop. I can't deal with this anxiety. It seems to be justified now...
I am constantly flipping between devaluation and idealization, nothing in between. Especially she should understand that I have problems interpreting her withdrawal of affection..

I am gonna use this blog to vent. Right now I am in a stormy relationship with a girl that suffers from borderline personality disorder. I have borderline traits myself (not diagnosed though) and right now it seems to me that a relationship with 2 people that share borderline traits can be very difficult at times...Comments or adivce is greatly appreciated.

For the past few weeks I've been in quite a good mood despite all the issues we've had. But slowly but surely I am on my way back to depression. Loss of appetite, tired, pessimism, loss of interest in anything and just in general I am starting to get ######6 tired of everyday life..It's always the same..

Not good, not good. Maybe I should tell her..She was unavailable today and just went to bed (without saying "good night" ofc), so I just sent her a nice message that she'll probably take notice of tomorrow. "I am ######6 losing my mind here.."

So either she takes the time (her time seems to be highly valuable. Smoking weed etc are very productive activities that will certainly help to prepare for her new situation (soon to be put in foster care and moving to a new city away from her family and friends to start a "new life"). She told me she's "busy with herself"..WTF?) to have a talk if she cares so much about the relationship or I am gonna ######6 freak..Who the ###$ is she hanging out with all the time? I was the ONLY person who was there for her when she was in the mental hospital and now she's hanging out with all these "weird characters" who will abandon her as soon as she moves away from there..

But hey, when she's moved away she'll realise that. Maybe I am gone at that point and she'll realise what a big mistake she's made to neglect me.