Well I am in a better mood overall even if it's still fluctuating. I had another very interesting experience a few hours when I was lying in my bed and fantasizing about her. I was idealizing her completely, "cutting out" all the negative experiences we've had in the past few weeks. I was extremely attracted to her, much more than usual. I had a very strong desire for her, wanted to share intimacy with her in several ways. I just wanted to contact her and tell her how much I loved her and how strongly I feel for her.

Then something interesting happened. I checked her profile (it's already obsessive-compulsive, it happens automatically, I can't stop doing that even though it ONLY has negative consequences) and BOOM I got triggered. In a split second I completely devalued her. I felt inferior and absolutely worthless. Like every other guy on this planet is better than me and she is looking for "him". Absolutely terrible. And it all happened so quickly I was stunned by that. Splitting ain't fun.

But in general things are improving. There will be a few changes coming up which will have a positive effect on our communication and other things. Things will finally start to calm down for her. Good for both of us.

I have to say that I am totally obsessed with her. I am thinking about her literally all the time. I dream about her literally every night. Sometimes I'm lying in my bed for hours just fantasizing about her and kissing my pillow (yeah this sounds awkward, but through the sound of that a flashback is triggered from the last weekend we spent together..I am thinking about that all the time).

So things are better. I have also been developing new coping techniques for my fear of abandonment. I can now get through the day and I am in a pretty stable mood despite the event that occured a few hours ago.

And yes I know that this post is rather different as it's both positive and negative and the transitions from one to the other happen pretty rapidly..That's just me being..well..weird, I guess.