One of my biggest fears is her cheating on me. I've been talking about this already. The less communication there is between us and the more she withdraws her affection from me, the lower my self-esteem and the stronger the jealousy. But you know what's weird?
I have been having repeated fantasies of her having sex with strangers or her ex-sexual-relationship and have been masturbating to that fantasy. It's very arousing to me and I am satisfied much quicker than when I fantasize about me having sex with her. Some weird voyeurism going on here.

How low is my self-esteem that I enjoy it more to fantasize (while masturbating) about her having sex with other people instead of me having sex with her? That's just completely nuts...like wtf.