hi there i have never done this before last time i ever sort help was when i was 13 i'm now 34 and if i dont get this sorted its going to overpower me as its getting to that stage now. i was in a bad relationship for years finally got out two year ago and moved to Africa . and was on my own but i have this overpowering urge to be with some one to have some one close to me here's the irony i have always been a loner and never really cared for relationships i could take it or leave it. well i moved again this time to northern Ireland and started out OK ish!, haven't been able to find decent work so thats getting to me i dont like not having money and its the one thing i never had a problem with before as i always had some money. well now i meet a woman through a would have been muteral friend and we hit it off really well started seeing each other and a relationship blossomed. then our muteral friend got really jealous and said a lot of rubbish to break us up nearly worked as we stopped seeing each other for a short while. we decided to get back together on the quiet and it worked for months with only a select few who knew about us but now the cat is about to be let out the bag and her head is all over the place i know she loves me but she seems to cave into pressure from friends and family rather than make her own mind up. normally i wouldnt mind what a woman decided and move on but she has got under my skin and i have fallen in love with her completely. we cant live together because she has 2 young lads who have been twisted against me by her ex husband plus its a catholic thing. every time she derails it sends my head to bits i cant think straight for days and i am scared of losing her for the wrong reasons (down to other peoples interfering) every time someone says something to her she tells me she needs time and cant see me for a while. this is what pecks my head as i dont know what she will do or say and i cant just leave her and move on becaus i really really love her and will wait for her boys to be old enough before her and i can be together properly but at the moment every things just mashed my head and i dont know how to deal with both my head and my emotions and when she wants space how do i deal with a overwhelming urge to be with her to ccomfort her. jeasus why cant i just walk away like so many times before

My 3 good things are a bit harder to come by today. I guess that's one of the many difficulties with BPD - unless you're feeling positive, it's hard to remember anything positive....but I'll give it a go.

1. I got to spend longer with my daughters yesterday and today. Nice for me but only because the youngest was sick (all over the back of my new car of course ) and the eldest spent half an hour crying at their dads because of some girls in her class upsetting her.....still not completely sorted because she didn't give the note to her teacher today. BUT I got time with them which was nice.

2. The new car is going well. Despite the sick......

3. Good session today with my psychologist. I've not seen her for at least 3 weeks due to her having training and holiday. She was really pleased to hear all my news (a lot has happened in the last week really!). We're getting to some tricky stuff though....but it just shows that it's difficult stuff I need to work through.

I know I'm feeling more down tonight because it's not my weekend for having the girls (other than Saturday overnight - but then they're asleep!) and I miss my new boyfriend too. Plus I'm being hard on myself for forgetting my regular Tuesday session with my youngest! I didn't write it in my diary so got carried away in the moment when setting up our next date and only just realised earlier. I am too hard on myself sometimes.....

Today i'm just stting here eating canned ravioli listening to buckethead playing guitar on youtube, woke up missorable as usual. Had a dream about alians, kinda spooky. What's funny but serious to me is I don't like making some one check my blogs! it just seems a waste of there time. I have this way of thinking where any thing I do seems selfish, like eating that can of ravioli.. it is in a steel can that gets thrown away all so I can eat some processed ravioli inside! and using this computer I know it adds to the electric bill.. any thing I do seems like a waste of resources.. imagine how much it has cost my parents to feed me all these years ahh! so it's like not accomplishing any thing its a disgrace to them in my mind. May be the next "blog" will be better, thanks.

I went to see my therapist today. I can't remember most of the session because he spoke to one of the ones who is mute and will only write. I have no idea what might have been written or if it would have been any help to him in dealing with me. Last session he read us a children's story called "The Rainbow Fish". The little ones enjoyed it. He wanted to read us Dr Seuss today but he had left it in his car. For some reason we feel apprehensive about that. I think we might have had one of those books when we were little but I could never remember it... If he suggests it again, hopefully someone older can check that it will be ok first.

Later in the day my housemate invited me to go to coffee with him and my ex-boyfriend. I went and we all did the crossword. I think I need to stop seeing my ex-boyfriend. Later in the day I realized I had been to coffee with both of them and hadn't remembered. I think I am still heavily dissociating the time I've spent with my ex-boyfriend because of my past experiences of being abused by him.

It was a beautiful, sunny day today. I hope it is like that again tomorrow. I would like to go for a long walk and get some more washing done...

Wow, what wonders a night of sleep can do! Passed out on the couch at 7pm and just woke up. Yesterday I was down at the courthouse from 8am and finally got assigned as a juror for a trial at 5pm. Very long day of waiting around, answering questions and enduring excruciatingly LONG voir dire process of jury selection. Getting that lesson in the legal system I wanted... lol... It's all about waiting and waiting as the tedious legal process moves along!

So today I have to report to court at 8:30 for the trial. It'll be all day today and will end when we finish deliberating the verdict. So we were told we could be there late into the night until we finish. Gonna be a loooooooong day. While this is an interesting experience, it just hit me that this is serious business... a person may or may not go to prison for a long time based upon our verdict. A little daunting. I hope the other jurors take it seriously as well... our decision will majorly impact another person's life!

Tomorrow I have a family gathering to go to. Looking a bit forward to it, and a little not. This will be the first gathering I'm going to since "finding my balance." My mom is going to return with me and spend a week with me and my doggies. She and I have a really good relationship, but sometimes being around family is draining. Love her to death, don't get me wrong. But am going from a long day today, to long travel day tomorrow, to week with mom, to classes starting back up... feels like I will be in "go go go" mode for a while... makes me a bit tired thinking about it, actually.

Anyhow, nothing major or interesting to report, really. Just sitting here drinking my coffee and typing before I head to the shower to begin my non-stop several days.

Hope you all have a great Friday... and hopefully a more relaxing few upcoming days than I'll have!