I went to a meeting… One this morning; and one early at 11… and it will go to 1PM… So; Im getting a much longer meeting; in this case I asked a women to walk with me and talk. We were already friends kind of…
But this time we became real friends.
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I got a message From Jesus; I am to understand; that women of the past and present; All I need and can expect from them is this. I am to like them; And nothing more. They owe me nothing. They do not have to change or be any different then they are. All I have to do is like them and they qualify.
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If I like them; give them a try; stop putting giant conditions on them. I already like them. However; this also goes to a point; I mean; they have to fit into a general range of sanity and fit ability.
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Ive been so strict on conditions no one has a chance with me.
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So; God has made it clear; I am to only like them; and that is good enough. They don’t have to be anything else.
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Well; I asked this women to go for a walk around Town to talk about it. And I did and we became deeper friends; real friends…
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And it appears to be the beginning of the next level of friendship in general with women; she is not the only one; several others are my friends in the same condition; Friends for Life; kind of thing; shaking hands and such.
This means Im making relationships with these women; In this case; Friendship relationships; and this means they can pull me off the guard and scold me if they see something Im not doing right with other people. And I can do the same with them.
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And their will be more because these women have friends. I know several are going to become real friends; closer friends…
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I Can see this. Im not used to this…
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With these women; I told them everything; in a sense; of how my fears of my mental condition has kept me from getting to close to anyone because their has been no one to tell all this stuff to; its to real vulnerable.
This is a different kind of Vulnerability; This is real world out in the field direct vulnerability. Open up this vulnerability stuff; is creating real friends in the real world. These are areas that have kept me from interacting with others up close and personal. And that is now changing in the real world.
These are women I can tell anything to; for advice.. These are real friends for life.. These are real friends for life; like belonging to a gang… I mean; its real. So; God is bringing what I asked for.
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Some of these people; Im telling things Ive never told anyone in a way that suggests a picture of myself no one knows about. But we are now Friends for life…
My God; What have I gotten myself into. And their will be more n more.
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This is the next step slowly getting me closer to developing into more serious relationships for the future.
Its like a gang of friends on my side to help with real life problems. Looks like Im in.

Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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New Blog;
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Talked with my sponsor today. It was interesting; I shored up a few ideas from beginning to end; Mainly about Drumming and Women.
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Drumming;
First; Ive been writing about this a few times in my previous blogs…
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I have been re-birthed into the present age. I was regrown in the Garden of Eden. I am here now. Im still a Work-In-Progress. What does this mean. Im not all here! I have mental illness; I come from a moderate or maybe a bit of less moderate level of drug n alcohol addiction; certainly I abused substances to dissociate from reality. Im a Potential Alcoholic. I did my time; maybe a bit less then most; but I ended up experience the same Night terror as everyone else… As for Drugs;’ I was definitely on my way within a relatively short time in High school to becoming a Drug addict; However; Within that period I overdosed many times and had bad bad trips and was ending up in the Hospital. After to many trips on Hallucinogenics; I had Drug psychosis for three years; My brain was torn apart and extremely weak’nd.
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In Junior high-high school; Moving onward toward women and dating
I could not really function anymore with the mental illnesses coming on and the drug psychosis problem. I had been manipulated easily by young women I innocently fell for; thinking I had made a friend. I was literally torn to pieces by it. I did not want to be alive anymore. I had no one; I had already been thrown away by my parents… Now I was being used and played by the people my own age; I simply crumbled and gave up… This was not the world I thought I would be in when I started getting older…
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I had nothing and ...

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I am reliving again from age 12; Where I was cut off at age 9 when young; where I was destroyed from evil.. God has taken me from very very young before this; and rebuilt me again as a new person. And I wake up again at age 9,10,11…. I began to remember and wake up but I remember what happened to me; Im waking up from the grave; but Im in a new life as I wake up; I wake up with the memory of the past life; but Im in a new life; I remember what happened to me with no way out; But now; Go has me reliving these events; but this time I can escape because; altho Im at the same emotional age when bad things happened; Im not there anymore; Im in new world; And here I am now. And God has taught me escape routs from that time period and I use them and move forward. However; in reality I need support and I pray for it.
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Im like or at the level of the 12 year old who has somehow; with Gods help; escaped; Or Im safe but alone in a new world. I remember the old world; but Im not there anymore; Im here. So; God is recreating whole new scenarios for me to practice new ways of life taking the place of those old ones.
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I Cannot describe or explain; Im 12 and Im independent.. Now what? And Im living this dream; its not necessarily A light dream; its more like Night time; its more like Halloween.
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The point is; Im real but Im free… I get to do this life again; the basics again; again; to meet relationships; New friends under God; New women under God; meaning; a girlfriend. And new occupation or interests under God; Like drumming; but this time I start from scratch; No Grandma or grandmas money or basement to play drums in.
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Its similar if not authentic to when I was actually young at 12 years old after being thrown away. I feel alone as I did then; but Im free to work with God for solutions and non of those bad people are around anymore. However; today I have to learn how to have dreams n goals and get alone with people and learn how successful people work through a thing to accomplish a goal they cannot see or touch yet or afford.
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So; When I was young; an older child; I was basically without parents and on my own; I was alone. I was living with strangers who did not care about what happened to me; It was like a bad movie I could not get out of. I was out of luck. I was thrown away permanently.
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So; I wake up now within God; From Gods worlds… And Im here again to do this again. Being so very young in spirit and maturity; I am on my own; for my survival; the best thing for me is; friends; girlfriends, meaning romantic love; and the development of things I like to do… like drumming.
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When I was 12; it would mean starting in the work world somehow.
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So; here I am heading out into the world at 12 years old. Ill need stability; They will come from the outside world. I cannot get them from any inner world; such as family because no such place existed. No family exists for me right now; However; 12 step groups and sponsors do the job and God; for now!
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So; God is helping me write a better story of survival at that age… Im writing a similar story right now for my life that parallels that time period; and Im developing much of what I would have developed at that age; Drumming; and girlfriends.
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Its more then this; its new; I am reborn and new; This age has to be reworked. Or worked for the first time. Its not the first time; Its the first time its freedom; Im free this time; freedom; but freedom is not free. I still must answer the call for survival. And I can and I will and I am… Grandma is no longer around to foot the bill; But God is. And that is the transformation.
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This survival answered; Is the beginning of my new life; Im going out and getting the answers; Im going into the city and talking to people and trying new things.
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I would have to go out and find another family or create another fam...

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Im a 12 year old who does Art…
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This is newest identity. This is the most modern identity of myself as new person…
Im now checking levels and defining myself concerning a thorough investigation of self; Where Im at right now.
Im a new creation under God; I Am ( Emotionly Maturity) A 12 years old in development and a Daily Artist. My Art ability is solid through out the day. Its present as I am present so far; The new me concerning Art; No problems! This means I can apply myself to Art, day or night, everyday from now on. I don’t have the phobias or blocks associated with Art as I have before. Does this mean Ill not have problems in the future… I do not know; but I wont have walls and phobias blocking me as before….
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So;
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Ive developed and or put a name to the first Personality description of where Im at in my new life new person; Age 12; Artist.. Solidly of great value as a human being. And their it is… .
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So; I have to do the work to continue;
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The goals are
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W
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For my new self;
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Wife; its starts with friends and then once that is developed; I toward girlfriends…. Meaning relationships romantically; This will be a while.
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Im starting to show signs of making friends with others the way Im suggesting before a make a girlfriend.
Im fairly solid at this time in this beginning of development for learning about friendships… Enough to call myself a solid beginner… I would say; Maybe more problems; but I would call myself a solid average beginner… Im doing Ok; Maybe well; concerning my goals; maybe not the standards of society would expect; but solidly beginning.
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Ill keep working at this… In some ways; some parts of this friendship; Ive hit the wall and must grow beyond the limits of myself. I am at that point… In this area of development for girlfriends; Im not there yet; But Im right there; but have a No-Mans land in between I have to go through first; once coming out of this No_mans Land; I hit the earth; the outskirts of society again concerning it… That will be in the long run; It will be a while. Once that happens; thats the beginning. Once back in society again; a continuation of friendship development under God; and from there at some point; The level of frequency of girlfriends begins to appear on the horizon; Meaning, I would be heading into an all new level; at the beginning. But Im not there yet; and that level may take a few years to develop and actually get to a point of meeting women of the requirement of girlfriends. And even this would not suggest that I am meeting anyone; it only suggests Im down Gods pathway to that level of the beginning of this plateau; this starting point of new Plateau. This plateau may take several years to develop; I don’t know. Im at the place of 12 year old in emotinal development; and that is authentic and well earned; who creates Art work.
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Now; I have to work with God to go beyond this…
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Its as if the philosophy is over with; Ive made it to age 12 authentically and what I identify with is; Art! And thats who I am and all I am. Thats all I am for now; IF You meet me; thats all you get; nothing more.
I am valuable and I value myself; Im a high valued person and this is who I am… My maturity development and my interest or calling or identifiable; My amurity earened is 12 years old. And Art…
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So.. Their I am. I know who I am…
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What Now.
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When I was young; actually at 12 years old and thrown away from my parents; living with others; unfortunately; monsters….
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I took off one day to the bike shop and asked them for a job; I didn’t know what else to do; I wiped down the bicycles. I didn’t know what eles to do; I had no father; nobody; Nothing. I was thrown away.
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So; I tried… But what is important; I went out into the real world… and tried something.
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And Im doing that now.
Ive had support to get to this point again; The 12 y...

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The beginning of setting out into society…
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So; in addition to my goals in general;
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I have been doing service work in my recovery meetings; some of them are more middle class affairs; some fellowships are more like the wild wild west; and being a representative of these meetings; some of the biggest and busiest; Ive set myself up for INSTANT SOCIAL REALITY AND RESPONSIBILITY.
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It was scary today… It was my first independent business meeting for one of my groups; and I was expected to be the leader. I did not know yet what I was doing; and could feel the all to com’n feelings of fear… Terror; REAL TERROR. In fact; This was a real example of what its like being a Dissociative with DID disorder; AVPD; Agoraphobic; Depressive; and so forth; what its really like to step out into society and deal with it again. It slams into my disabilities? Yes/No. Its very uncomfortable; Im so sensitive… and beat up in these areas;
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However; what I want to share; This is the reason Im not in relationships… Its so hard to get into relationships; why I melt down before I ever get into any relationships… Everything is triggered. Im totally triggered from the past; everything… where I was thrown away….
Everything comes back… and then Im re living the hatred toward me; and being thrown away… Im reliving the fear and the humiliation. Im reliving all the fear and pain and loathing where I had no place to run and hide; nothing….
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It was truly fear when I had to start this meeting…… I was doing something real that I had no control over; How I looked or acted when I was put on the spot to run a meeting and I had no idea what was going on… I had to socially wing it… Not my forte
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RELATIONSHIPS…
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Relationships are the same way; its easy to fantasize or talk about them; but as the time to actually get closer to people; I freeze up and panic… and do not feel strong enough or good enough to be accepted by anyone; especially with my problems. Im afraid I will be hated; spit on and treated like Im beneath them; dismissed… Because; The reality is; Im super weak; terrified in these areas completely. Im already super sensitive Artist type. But to put myself in an open position where I could be judged; in credible.
However; Because Im in recovery and wanting my goals in reality; Im working with my Higher power co creating my life and that means I will be doing everything new.. And Ive just started socially; and its enough to make me want to puke.
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However; working with God; This is what is required if I am to become a newer style person for the people I want to attract for my goals; the people God is sending me for support for my goals; or those directly involved in my goals or maybe they are the goal; regardless; Im getting a real taste of what its really like to step out into something new; into society; a real place where I claim I want real goals. And this is where it really starts…
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History;
Ive been working with sponsors from groups and other support people for a while now; a few years as I make the transition from past recovery person to new more focused goal oriented recovery person… Today; Im going after my goals and those goals are in the real world.
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Im going from a dissociative world protected within my imagination; into the real world where my goals manifest and transform into something real.
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However; under the orders of my higher power; The first changes that have to happen; I must become a Caveman if I am to withstand society along with my mental disabilities at the same time adding my ambition toward my goals… This is allot on my plate.
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And its began in the real world and a very real way….
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So; Im getting my feet wet again in the lakes of reality… And Im showing; altho Im petrified Im lasting.
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And Ill continue.
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Im now operating with God in the real world… Its a small segment of the world but its real…
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As...

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