So I want to get out of the house. I've been having a break down everyday for almost two weeks. So I decide to go see my fiance's family, a little vacation because they're nice and they have a pool. Weeks after I decided this one of my brothers is coming up. Let's explain family. I'm the youngest of six and aside from 1 brother, not this one, I don't see my family very often. Like once in ten years often. I don't call them. They don't call me. We don't send cards or call on birthdays. We don't talk. I play with their kids because my siblings are twice my age and their kids are my age. So my brother's coming up, my brother who ALWAYS brings his daughter so I don't feel left out. We don't have a lot in common, me and this niece. This time he's finally coming up alone. I'm out of town. Do I change my plans? Heck no. For what? Being the fly on the wall to watch him and my mom catch up? I'll be back before he goes again. We just won't be all together, me my two brothers, and my mom. Like I care. And to be polite I told my mom I'd be out of town, I'd be back on Tuesday. She throws a fit. I explain we aren't close and I don't care and she gets all pissy and says in that "I'm better than you" tone "fine be that way" As if I'm the most selfish person on the face of the earth.

meanwhile, my cats in heat. Driving me nuts. She has low platelets, so they can't fix her until we find out why. Which takes money. Which we don't have.

I found out today my college band director is leaving. I feel horrible, it's happening again. My high school band director left and we went through three teachers in two years. I feel like I've been tossed into that cycle again. We're not a big university, it's not like someone is going to step up and we just keep going as usual.
But the difference is we've been hiring some pretty intense and good faculty. Maybe we'll hire someone really good and it will be ok. I only have a semester left in band. But my band director understood my problems and gave really good advice. I don't really feel I can talk to anyone my own age aside from fiance. It's stupid really, I feel like I'm being deserted. Mostly because when my high school director left, my dad was sick and eventually passed away, and any good friends at the time went their own ways. High school was just really lame. I really hope college is different. I'm scared of graduate school, I'm scared of teaching.

I bought a notebook for mood charting. Yay. I keep track of Mania, depression, stress, suicide thoughts, anger, sleep, and the moon cycle (if you know what I mean) on a scale of 1 to 10, except the last two. Sleep is good, ok, poor, ect. The other is dates.

A "friend" at school said something the other day that sort of made me angry. She said untreated bipolar can turn into schizophrenia. I asked my therapist, this is not true. Bipolar is a mood disorder, it comes and goes. Schiz is not, it happens all the time and is a completely different disorder. However, bipolar can have psychotic symptoms, so it could appear like other issues, but it is not. Then she said every crazy person should be locked up. Excuse me, I have bipolar and I generally function just fine, thank you. Just because person A has diabetes and takes insulin does not mean every diabetic has to have insulin shoots. Just because your mom is a crazy psycho, does not mean I am. I'm pretty sure a lot of people in the music, art, and theatre department have stress or mood related problems. We're creative and crazy and just plain weird. There are two people, myself included in the music department that have bipolar and this "friend" is dumb enough to say this stuff?

I wish people would ask. I don't mind explaining what bipolar disorder really is and really is not. I am a human being, not a disease. I have trouble handling stress, I sometimes have high moments, and a lot of times have low moments without reason. Yes, sometimes I have mood swings, but that doesn't define me. I am a creative, artistic free spirit, not bipolar disorder.

My mom called today. I hate her. I have decided I cannot feel any other way after all she's put me through and now this. She has decided that I should not have a Christmas wedding, because my siblings won't be able to come. I'm the youngest of 6 and my siblings are way older, only one lives in the area. He's coming. The rest did not go to my high school graduation, will not attend my college graduation, have never seen one of my recitals, or been there for 1 important part of my life. They came for my dad's funeral to comfort my mom. Great, whatever. I do not care if they come. I can't tell my mom this enough. I'm not having a summer wedding while moving to graduate school location just to please you and my siblings. If they want to come, they will. Then she tells me its an ugly month to have a wedding and there's nothing to do. In the summer they could go canoeing. They aren't visiting to go on vacation, they're coming for a wedding. Then she told me to elope. So. I'm going to have a wedding without my mom. No "you've gained so much weight, I can't believe your a size blah blah blah." no "Do you really want to marry him?" none of the stupid crap she gives me every day multiplied. Not dealing with it. My siblings can stay home for all I care. I'm having a small wedding with a couple friends and some of his family. I would elope, just to spite her, but I really do want a wedding, even if its 200 and I find the dress on amazon.

I have things to do but I really don't want to do them. There's about 4 weeks left and I really really do not want to go to class. Neither does fiance. Lucky him, only two classes left.

I keep getting angry. I don't know why. And I still feel this tension between me and fiance. I've had some really bad weeks this semester and it's been really hard on him. I'm afraid that eventually he's going to have dealt with enough and leave. He's the best thing to happen to me, he actually tries to understand the illness, tries to reason that my crazy moods are period or bipolar related and tries so hard to just brush them off. It certainly adds to the stress of living on your own for the first time.

Things are happening and I don't know how I'm going to make money. My brother offered me a job with WalMart for 12.25 an hour, but it's an hour on the highway away. That's a lot of time away from home and a lot of gas. (which dropped a whole cent this week!) I have a lot of medical bills to pay. Stupid being a poor college student.

In other news, I'm getting like 400 views. Holy Moly that's a lot! For me at least.