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bluedragon1200
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wondering brain

Permanent Linkby bluedragon1200 on Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:44 am

I changed medicine, from paxil to pristiq. Not bad. Got dizzy for a few days and had an attempt at a suicide attempt. It was pathetic. I feel much better now. I quit my job and a lot of stress is gone, though I have the stress of bills and looking for a new job. I'm praying about that. I think it will be ok.

I'm in a weird place right now. I don't feel messed up enough to be messed up. It's like having a cold and you're miserable and sniffly, but not enough to stay home. I want to shout out to the world "I am bipolar, I am a sinking ship! I have no idea!" ...but who would know what to say? In the past few days i have felt pretty even which maybe the pristiq is a good change.

Fiance's great grandfather passed away after many years of Altimeters. He wasn't that close but it's still family and I don't know what will happen when his Grandmother passes. He''s uber close to her and she is the sweetest old lady! I'm worried that I am not strong enough, that he is always having to care for me and when the time comes I will be too weak to care for him. I am tired of bipolar; I wish it'd go away. I am tired of those days where I need Fiance to hold me tight and just cry, or hit something, or talk about anything. I am tired of those days where I know he is tired and I don't want to burden him but I can't help it. Sometimes I think about going away so he'd find someone better. I don't want to die. I just would like to drift into nothingness. Turn into fairy dust, or simply fall asleep. "I want to commit suicide" is so harsh and unforgiving, so many thoughts stuck to it. "why would want to do something stupid like that." "don't be dumb." Drug awareness and sex ed are taught, why can't we teach people to care, to look at the quite kid, look past the glassy gaze and say "hey, do you need to talk?" Why can't we let people know suicide isn't the only way out? But they are just lost, turned into dust. There are too many cracks to fall between. I fell between those cracks.

I don't want to die. I'm not going to commit suicide. I'm just musing. If you read this and are thinking about it, please call the suicide hotline.

"Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind."
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