We had awards in band, voted on by band people. I thought it was sort of silly. It's obvious who works hard in band or who is a good musician. Their scholarship is bigger for one. The person who won the best band member award was pretty obvious. She practices all the time, even when most of of us take a day off. Not a bad thing, but she's arrogant about it. She knows she's better than everyone else, she knows she works harder. She's a Brittany Brooks, the person the teacher always boasts about because she's well behaved, always has perfect grades, her coloring is neat, ect ect. It bothers me, the only way my mom praised me is if I had an award. It's hard getting over that. Just functioning, at a halfway normal level is quite a feat. People struggle with bipolar quite a lot, finding the right meds, staying on those meds, finding a job they can keep, not giving in to manic crazy-ness. I'm not saying bipolar people are lazy jerks, just that we have a lazy jerk in our head that screws our chemical balance and makes it hard to fit into the real world. If there was an award for best functioning mentally ill person on campus, I'd be all over that. It's like having a learning disability and getting a C; you're darn proud of that C because you worked super hard on the assignment or maybe you didn't have as many accommodations as you normally have. I'm proud of what I've done, but at the end of the day, it's just being average.

I'm very ready to be done. I'm very scared. I've skipped a couple of classes this week. I walked out of band (we were just putting music away). I've been having a hard time dealing with stress. My recital is over so it's getting better. But what am I going to do when I'm a teacher? I can't just not do stuff because I need a mental health day. I am tired. I want to change the world and make it a better place, but what can I do? I am not that strong.