I haven't kept a blog in a while. Too many people that will get upset or think I'm just whining. Here I feel a little more with good company.

I think it has some to do with family history. I think it has to do some with my mom. She is very mean, she guilt trips and will say horrible things, then deny it. She's told me that I am selfish and lazy. She wouldn't believe me when I told her all the kids hated me and made fun of me. I didn't have a whole lot of close friends and I did get made fun of a lot. My dad was great but he had emphysema and passed away my senior year of high school. I took it pretty hard. I dated a jealous boyfriend for a year. Finally got the balls to realize it was a stupid move. I am in a healthy relationship now. He went with me to the hospital last spring, where I was diagnosed bipolar type II.

Right now my biggest worry is paying for meds. Depakote is a lot and my insurance is through McDonald's but its a horrible job. I'm everybody's pee upon. I'm working through college. But this is my first job and its a lot of stress with 20 hours and all that jazz. I'm a music major, so I'm constantly having to attend recitals or practice on top of homework. I can't work during the week. I get so discouraged I'm worried when I graduate life will be like this, I will be constantly criticized and scolded for everything I do. I can't make fries fast enough, I can't handle counter and cleaning lobby, I can't get the tray up fast enough, I suck at counting change if they add 23 cents after I put in the 20 dollar bill. blarg.

I also have a hospital bill from last fall that I need to pay but can't afford. My brother is helping, but they said they were going to collect at the end of the month. Collect what? I don't have a whole lot. I'm a poor college student.