Ok so ^^

This is pretty cool.

I've just read some of the comments on my previous blog entries.

Makes me feel a little bit better. Or well more normal somehow. Like... understood... partly...

Uhm yeah the question was about what had really happened?

Basically really really small stuff...

[perhaps triggering:]
I've got the feeling as if my mum set me up in some kind of scenario where I would... uhm stroke her breast... through telling me that one of our cats was underneath her shirt (wich they tended to do regularly so... nothing... serious). But uhm then I found out... after a couple of seconds thinking I was petting the cat and after having been encouraged (I believe... that's the scenario I'm affraid of but I don't actually know what is was like EXACTLY... but... like the details... intention and stuff like that... body language... the things that were said exactly) to pet at that particular spot... she told me I was in the wrong place... and that felt as if she was blaming me for what had happened...

It's like she first took a little bit of time to enjoy it before she told me I was in the wrong spot. And then it was like thunder struck my head... TOTAL STRESS... me being quiet and freezing... right in the spot... perhaps continueing with petting there for a second out of disbelief but I don't know about that... because my mind was on zero... Then I went upstairs... disturbed... ashamed... but it was seriously disturbing. Disturbing is the word. Shame didn't work anymore. I couldn't shame myself out of this stuff... it was seriously disturbing...

[end... of the potentially triggering part]

It has already gone too far.

And there's stuff with my dad that went too far. Wich made me just too incomfortable and it was disturbing enough for me to uhm... act on it... and... to make sure things didn't escalate.

That's the point.

That's perhaps the most damaging of all. I don't know if any of the stuff really is abuse. It's just that I felt forced to put up a shield. To protect myself. That's not good. I would only do that if I thought it was necessarry. They made me distrust them. This abused my trust in them. They spilled it.

And seriously with my dad it's just a matter of strength... aggression... stuff like that etc... because that's the position he was in. I feel like I have to retaliate for it.

And I blame myself for what has happened with my mum and me... somewhat...

But along with that... there's so much more. The reason why I've been born... and like what was going on at that point in time. My grandpa (mum's dad) died a few months before of cancer... or well he had to be uhm yeah... artificial because else it could turn out to become extremely painfull... terror... and death in the end anyway... so he died an artificial death... (syringe and stuff)... and apparently he was a really nice man and my mum was really... and still is like... it's like she adores him or something... like everything about him was really good apparently. He was funny... uhm... oh I can't even think about it really. I have already thought about stuff like maybe my parents got abused too so I can't really think clearly about my grandpa because I already suspect things of him towards my mum she might still uhm have... suppressed or something like that.

But that means like my mum could've gotten really really sad at that moment in time. And I don't rule out that perhaps my dad has been furious at her during the whole pregnancy because it makes me think sometimes he regretted the pregnancy. Especially because the reason... for why they have gotten kids... uhm my mum said... was because I had such a good nice funny grandpa that could get along with kids really well and everything. Also pets but yeah that's irrelevant. So they wanted... somehow... to uhm... want us to get to know him while it was still possible. I don't know. Something with uhm either my grandpa being able to see us... the next generation... or the other way around... although...

[ Continued ]

Ok uhm here I am again.

In the middle of the night again. Couldn't sleep.

Gosh.

I'm not in tune with myself anymore...

In all kinds of ways. Not in touch with myself.

I can't really explain myself... here... writing... I mean I know how to write. But it's like the language part of my brain has largely disconnected from the rest of my brain or something like that...

Ok so one thing perhaps... I don't have any contact with my parents at the moment. And uhm... yeah perhaps that's the reason for a lot of stuff as well. They are the reason for a lot of stuff. But uhm it's like for a long time I had adapted to them... to keep myself standing in the situation... of my youth and stuff like that. And it's gone now. And I'm confronted with a completely different world that has got nothing to do with the world I grew up in whatsoever at the moment. It's like a difference of day and night.

I was trying to sleep just a few minutes ago before I decided to get up and gave up on it for the time being... I can't force myself to go to sleep. And uhm yeah something really typical happened wich never happened to me a few years ago. I felt bad. I felt sad. As if I could cry. But I didn't know what for. I didn't know why. The point is though I had earplugs inside my ear to uhm... keep the noise down. I never really use that stuff a lot but sometimes it works. But I really forced them inside my ear... uhm and they were... I guess... I realised afterwards... pretty uncomfortable...

But I just had this terrible feeling like feeling very... down and sad and... whatever... and... I go to the bathroom. And while I'm there I'm like let's pull out those stupid earplugs as well because there's a chance they're annoying me. And I pulled them out and I was like wow This was what had been bothering me apparently. Because when I pulled them out it was like a huge relief!!!

This is all so stupid Those things usually didn't happen to me. This is what I mean with not being in touch with myself. Usually I could LOCATE what bothered me and what not.

At the moment I still have some feelings I guess. There's still a chance that I don't really necessarily feel very well. But it could be because of anything. Perhaps because my room is a little bit of a mess... uhm... perhaps because I didn't eat very well... but I don't know... untill I fixed it and I feel better. I don't know what is bothering me untill I've fixed it. I used to be very sensitive... and it's like I've suddenly turned completely insensitive. I can't care less about a whole bunch of things. I don't really think about my own future. About what is best for me. I don't want anything specific. Well... uhm... some form of intimacy... sort of... but... not enough for me to try and go after it... I guess... because...

Oh well I'm seriously not in touch with myself. I just don't know. If it gets daylight I don't know what to do. But because a lot of other people live here as well I kind of bother them with my own lack of motivation... to find something fun to do.

I'm becoming really childish as well... I'm already well in my 20's but today (officially yesterday of course) I've been outside all day kicking a ball around (playing soccer).

Uhm yeah I should explain that all... uhm the reason why that's possible is because I'm taken care of like... you might think uhm... why doesn't he have to work or anything like that (because I don't have to at the moment)...? Well I don't anyway. I'm taken care of pretty well. But uhm in a very basic way. I'm saving money to go to school again this year. Government financial aid. That's the word for it. That's what I'm getting. And it's... well that's cool but... there's not much to do for me... during the day... and...

Gosh. I'm just really childish ...

[ Continued ]

I guess I'm just crazy.

Read through my blog. Do whatever you like with it.

I'm changing every second I write this stuff down.

I went to sleep this night thinking I could maybe get into a nice day and night rythm again. Here I am again awake. Awoken by this thought... wich already says enough... I can't sleep...

The thought was about what I really want. What do I really want?

I'm responsible for where I am.

The situation I am in. I got here. My genes have carried on. To become me.

There's so much useless philosophing I can do about it.

The point is I have learned to hide talents and other stuff for some greater good I have forgotten about.

Somehow I need to be smarter than this.

Often I feel a kind of jealousy or something when watching people online being succesfull with all kinds of things. I feel unrecognised. But I chose not to be recognised. Through all kinds of stuff I am responsible for my own situation. Concious and perhaps subconcious, I have chosen this.

Even this stupid blog that only depicts me as a crazy person.

Perhaps I need to celebrate that I'm alone. This is what I chose.

I'm very concious of myself. Somehow.

You know? All these people that I see on TV, don't they ever get into trouble because of that?

I'm not even jealous actually. I feel a kind of jealousy I said, but perhaps I'm wrong. I'm jealous of the fact that they're able to express it.

Seriously I have learned that I will get into trouble for that. I look at them and actually I only recognize a lot.

I could be jealous at Justin Bieber for example. But I'm affraid it will go downhill very quickly at some point with this guy. I'm not saying he will. I'm just affraid he will. On the other hand I'm not. On the other hand I'm affraid he won't go downhill. That's just the competative me. And I expect him to go downhill at some point.

But here I am. Perhaps I'm rich.

The point is I'm lost. Alone. I'm writing here but there's no real response. I don't know what I want.

The thought with wich I woke up and logged onto my pc with was "to write about what I want".

Then I began to shake actually. For a while. Out of nervousness. I began thinking about all kinds of stuff related to me. Why I am who I am. Why I'm having the feelings that I have. And then I began shaking as I said. Gosh, I don't even want to sound as a victim of anything. Because I don't want to be comforted.

You guys don't know much about me. Not that much. You probably do know a lot. But that depends on whether you've read everything I've written about or not. You probably haven't. So in that case I'm pretty safe anyway.

But my situation is pretty bad.

So I live in a building with more people. I have one small room. Today I sat in my doorway for like perhaps even the entire afternoon. Just sitting there. Doing nothing.

I think I came into touch with my autistic side shortly thereafter. Wich is good.

Sometimes I wonder what about things like what makes me eat, what makes me drink, what keeps me motivated for stuff like that?

I've still got my sunburn by the way. Wich reminds me of yesterday.

I'm hearing birds chirping. And I look at my clock and it says 05:24 (nighttime). After hearing the sound I thought "it must be late" and then I looked at the clock and saw that time and then I immediately got tired.

Well I'm getting this feeling as if during puberty the throttle was invented for me. And then I hit the brakes. And it's like my brakes have locked up. And they're still kind of locked up. If I let go of the brake pedal it keeps on braking.

The point is I don't want to impress people. I do want to actually. But I don't want the results. For me the results have been negative. Or well I perceive them as negative.

The point is somehow I feel like I'm threatened. If I don't think of my abuse as bad I'm in danger. Because then I'm crazy. This is tolerated. This is expected! It's not only tolerated. It's expected.

If I don't start behaving...

[ Continued ]

Edit: I'm completely assuming that she'll read this... wich is kind of like weird... Damnit... this could be DID also because it seemed normal although a bit direct and I thought... perhaps it's weird to type such a message like this in my blog while it would perhaps be more fitting as a PM. But in the end there's nothing wrong. Yeah well... I tend to be curious about uhm... who's reading my posts... could've asked... oh nvm... maybe that's the problem... maybe I should've just asked... gosh... nvm... I'll keep it anyway though... I think there's no problem with this message...

...

But yeah it's already been viewed like 102 times. Gosh. I used to be really cautious about these things and it seems kind of gone now... I've changed a lot since a few years ago... gosh... nvm... You know I think she might not appreciate me speaking to her directly like that...

Oh well nvm. I don't mean any harm.

And I'm like asking myself a question when somebody uhm...

Perhaps it's me being paranoid. I feel kind of weird when somebody is looking at my posts... and seems totally completely COMPLETELY normal lol. I just begin to search. Even though she does have something in her signature about DID. I don't know.

...

Yeah I think I have DID actually... now that I think of it... But perhaps I'm still developing it. Perhaps I'm still in development.

I post a lot of posts I don't recognise later on. And together with that I often feel like I'm crazy.

I guess... uhm... I guess this is for me like how it is for others to uhm... oh well nvm. I don't care. Cya.

Original blog entry:

Ok so SaltedLipstick.

Uhm yeah I don't know but I was curious about you so I searched for like your earliest posts...

And while reading your first posts I uhm recognised a lot! And uhm yeah english is your native language and I notice it because you immediatly accurately were able to describe some of the symptoms I think of as extremely hard to describe. I recognize the "spacing-out" stuff etc.

And also a lot more. And you instantly said somewhere that you wanted to write somewhere about what you thought and needed others to be able to read your posts in order for you to keep writing coherently wich is just... I couldn't get over that issue with myself...

But yeah apparently it's just very very normal.

Anyway...

I was reading... and then I was thinking... and a thought popped up...

Uhm yeah. There's stuff I'm ashamed for. Seriously ashamed for.

Stuff that I am at fault for.

And maybe I need to uhm combine the feeling again and become in touch again with that... like... state of mind I was in before the abuse had happened.

Sorry.

I don't know.

I want to write it down because somehow somewhere I know that... this is the stuff that I'm really bothered by.

New entry again. Number 15.

Uhm...

First of all...

There's somebody called "saltedlipstick" commenting on my posts. And uhm moderating them. And I would like to thank saltedlipstick, so thanks.

Uhm...

Then...

I don't know. Let's just talk about certain stuff. Uhm. Let's talk about how my day was. The weather was really good today. And I got a pretty bad sunburn from being out in the sun all day long. It has been a really good day in my opinion.

There's this friend here and uhm... he's like totally opposite of me in all kinds of aspects. And uhm. Yeah some interesting things happened... like... in that friendship today... that... got me frustrated at that point in time. Seriously. But I'm currently feeling stronger by it. As if I had to cope with that and yeah. Good.

However I'm still socially stupid. Uhm and really avoidant I guess. And in general I just don't know where it's coming from but I've become extremely social lately...

It's like I became able to see/spot authority. And yeah that's partly the reason of my abuse stuff I think... Uhm... It's like I wasn't scared of authority initially. But it came back.

And like now... I know... that if I tolerate authority in some places... I can uhm perhaps look more at my own level. Like around me. Instead of up or down. More like... left and right. Because it feels as if I've hit a ceiling at some point... and it was kind of traumatic because I didn't expect it there but whatever it's good. Uhm yeah don't know if you can follow that idea but uhm it makes sense to me. Something with Oedipus Complex -> dad always wins -> learning to accept that -> therefore freed from anxiety provoking "tasks"... because somebody else is in charge... he's boss... but he's also the one responsible... not me... and uhm... Yeah... It's like the concept of a God I guess. But in a much more primitive down-to-earth way.

Well anyway I enjoy the social stuff to some extend. I guess I need it. It makes me feel less lonely I guess. Ah well... I'm just having doubts. Don't know about this. Sometimes I wonder about if it's best for me to stay a little bit... uhm... independant... and uhm... solitary... But yeah I've kind of always wanted a more social life... so... I guess I got what I asked for...

Anyway. Good day. It was a good day.

Then there's the inevitable stuff about girls again. And yeah friends are nice but they can become competition when girls get involved. And uhm I seriously don't want competition. I've got enough problems already considering girls. And that's the main reason for me to uhm... often question... if it's good for me... to... be really social like this...

Then uhm...

Well I saw a good looking girl today. And uhm I'm very much about... I want to know about what a girl's face looks like. I mean I have an opinion about looks. I can have issues but I do have an opinion about looks. And uhm... yeah well I saw a girl walking today and uhm yeah I couldn't see her face so I kind of like... I guess really visibly... moved a little bit so I could see her face and she saw that. And her face went like "uhm ok oh well I like that ". That's how I uhm... interpreted it. And yeah... well... point is that that's really small little stuff... and I saw her a few times more passing by a few times... doing all kinds of stuff. Uhm and... the second time I saw her she was really like dancing a little bit... being funny... and yeah. I wondered if she was just showing off or something or being happy or both like look at me being all happy I noticed it and I liked it anyway because I like happy girls. I just do. But yeah. The point is.

She will probably visit more around this place in the future... and uhm...

Oh well it's just that I get really like... I don't...

[ Continued ]