Continuing along with writing from where I ended blog entry 10:

Along... with the fact that I felt like I didn't have a choice. And I did stuff I actually didn't want to do. If I think about it.

And basically I'm embarassed. I used to have an attitude a long time ago (when I still wasn't really concious of what had happened) like "there's nothing I have to be ashamed for" (quite funny if you think about it... that was the exact reason for me to feel good all the time)... "there's nothing I have done wrong, there's nothing wrong, it's all good". And I miss it. And it's quite funny how opposite that thought is from the truth.

Perhaps it's just age as well and just mental development. I know of mental developments in puberty and in the adolescent years a bit. I've heard one thing about it anyway. That's the fact that the main difference is that during puberty people in general uhm... are more... like... they still don't care as much about rules and stuff like that as much as other people do (except for even younger people perhaps, kids etc...). And it's a quite impulsive time in life. And uhm... basically I've also heard that that's the part that gets developed during my current age right now. Early 20's. Then you start developing real planning skills... somebody becomes aware of what consequences something might have and that they might be bad if they don't... take care...

I guess the impulsive stuff of puberty all gets like "punished" for in the adolescent years. But not linked or directly. But it's like because of all the impulsive stuff somebody suddenly understands that things... if done impulsively and without too much thinking... things can turn out to go a lot more differently than they were intended to go... (if that's even proper english)...

So in that respect I can interpret this as feeling as if I'm inside this rollercoaster ride that's powered by my own mental developed and... yeah... in fact... physical development I guess... but not of my body but of my mind.

I hope it'll probably flat out and become more even... uhm and not only that but also... a bit... better... all in all.

Also... my intention with this blog is very uhm... practical...

It's for my own good only. Uhm. To get going. And actually it will... I think... but I don't know...

Somewhere I feel like blogging is kind of a useless ocupation...

But there's so much mental stuff going on... that I don't feel safe anywhere else... And that I don't feel safe doing much else...

And basically that fear is kind of... true... like... I think it has a source (ofcourse it has, but I don't know how etc)...

And actually... the abuse... is like...

Some stuff is starting to get back to me...

As to why and how and reasons and stuff like that...

I feel like...

If I remember correctly and do my best...

It seems as if the 2 times... although my dad it could have been more... more than one awkward moment...

It seems as if it occurred in uhm...

Well I believe there's a possibility that I felt bad a lot for a long time anyway... because of other things... depressed mum etc... bullying... bullying of my sister (or maybe not bullying but just annoying me CONSTANTLY)...

But it's as if... uhm there are moments... well... not much...

But I believe...

(*Q&W@^#(&*!@#^)(#&(@

Damnit!!!!!!!!!!

I can't even write this down!!!!!!!

There were like instances of higher self-confidence... etc... and uhm... yeah... stuff like that...

For SECONDS!!!

It feels as if I've never been able to be safe with those feelings... because... yeah...

Leading up to the abuse... I feel with my mum for example... just before it happened... I don't remember clearly anymore... but uhm...

It's as if...

((*&#*!*Iing vampires. !@#($@!ing bloodsuckers!!!

I just know it is like this.

It's as if this feeling... my confidence... like... is used...

It's stripped away from me.

It's like my parents are like... "right, thanks for that! I'll take that away from you".

Gosh... I'm getting aggressive thoughts...



Edit:

I seriously am...

Edit 2:

But I bet nothing will ever happen.

Edit: nvm