Something else though.

I do not know why I end so rapidly then. Perhaps it's because I think the blog helps things get worse as well. It makes me spend attention on everything that's bad I guess... well I don't have to but it's the effect this blog has on me.

Today I was really grumpy again but I booked some uhm... like... progress...

I guess that... if I'm out of the bad stuff... uhm...

I tend to quit. But yeah I think I'm getting there. But a lot of it involves just fighting with my life, for my life. So it can sometimes be really pessimistic. And perhaps a little too confronting.

But today again I almost had a fight with some random dude who was really really acting like a moron. I was extremely pissed off afterwards, luckily nothing happened...

It has kind of gotten me a little more alert. I needed to defend myself and now I feel really like... still do... like in this fight-mode or something. And I can use it. It has kind of transformed right now in me...

Perhaps it woke me up. I guess that's what I mean. But I don't know to what extend... because I haven't really benefited from this mood... yet... maybe I never will...

I'm still rather confused I guess.

It's girls... it's all girls... not just any... it's... no wait...
It's me.

It's all me. It's all inside my head.

Maybe I should start working out. Because I need to confront this... somehow... fear of girls...
And that's the most obvious way... I can get respect from guys... more easily... so these fights get a little less extreme... and... yeah well I will attract girls...

Maybe I need to pick up on everything again. I've had enough time of... doing useless stuff right now... it's time for me to do something usefull...

Right... some other thing I realised...

I'm protected from sexual stuff... but I'm starving for love. Just love. Just... any kind you know. It's like I can't recognise it either... it's like... it doesn't exist... And I don't know... but... it's really bad... it's REALLY like starving. Seriously. I haven't really had a lot of hunger yet but I guess this is what it must feel like. But I'm doing it on purpose.

It's like when somebody has stranded on a raft in the ocean but the person can't drink anything because it will dehydrate him more than drinking nothing at all. Perhaps that's somewhat close...

You could interpret sexual abuse as a form of love. Just like ocean water can be interpreted as water. Only thing is, ocean water has a lot of salt in it as well. It's the wrong kind of water. It's water that does exactly the opposite from what normal water should be for...

Gosh this comparison is so real.

The reality is even harder though in some ways. Although being stranded on the ocean is probably very bad as well...

I feel like I'm inside some kind of endurance test.

Don't feel like really actively reading through my post again for spelling mistakes etc. I probably missed out on a lot, as usual. But I'm typing this stuff with like my last mental breath available. SUBMIT.

However, a lot of good things have happened though!

How many? Enough I guess. Enough to keep going for some time again.

Perhaps I won't stop. Perhaps I will. Don't know.

I guess this is the same now as my previous thread.

Well goodnight anyway/

Goodnight.