New entry again. Number 15.

Uhm...

First of all...

There's somebody called "saltedlipstick" commenting on my posts. And uhm moderating them. And I would like to thank saltedlipstick, so thanks.

Uhm...

Then...

I don't know. Let's just talk about certain stuff. Uhm. Let's talk about how my day was. The weather was really good today. And I got a pretty bad sunburn from being out in the sun all day long. It has been a really good day in my opinion.

There's this friend here and uhm... he's like totally opposite of me in all kinds of aspects. And uhm. Yeah some interesting things happened... like... in that friendship today... that... got me frustrated at that point in time. Seriously. But I'm currently feeling stronger by it. As if I had to cope with that and yeah. Good.

However I'm still socially stupid. Uhm and really avoidant I guess. And in general I just don't know where it's coming from but I've become extremely social lately...

It's like I became able to see/spot authority. And yeah that's partly the reason of my abuse stuff I think... Uhm... It's like I wasn't scared of authority initially. But it came back.

And like now... I know... that if I tolerate authority in some places... I can uhm perhaps look more at my own level. Like around me. Instead of up or down. More like... left and right. Because it feels as if I've hit a ceiling at some point... and it was kind of traumatic because I didn't expect it there but whatever it's good. Uhm yeah don't know if you can follow that idea but uhm it makes sense to me. Something with Oedipus Complex -> dad always wins -> learning to accept that -> therefore freed from anxiety provoking "tasks"... because somebody else is in charge... he's boss... but he's also the one responsible... not me... and uhm... Yeah... It's like the concept of a God I guess. But in a much more primitive down-to-earth way.

Well anyway I enjoy the social stuff to some extend. I guess I need it. It makes me feel less lonely I guess. Ah well... I'm just having doubts. Don't know about this. Sometimes I wonder about if it's best for me to stay a little bit... uhm... independant... and uhm... solitary... But yeah I've kind of always wanted a more social life... so... I guess I got what I asked for...

Anyway. Good day. It was a good day.

Then there's the inevitable stuff about girls again. And yeah friends are nice but they can become competition when girls get involved. And uhm I seriously don't want competition. I've got enough problems already considering girls. And that's the main reason for me to uhm... often question... if it's good for me... to... be really social like this...

Then uhm...

Well I saw a good looking girl today. And uhm I'm very much about... I want to know about what a girl's face looks like. I mean I have an opinion about looks. I can have issues but I do have an opinion about looks. And uhm... yeah well I saw a girl walking today and uhm yeah I couldn't see her face so I kind of like... I guess really visibly... moved a little bit so I could see her face and she saw that. And her face went like "uhm ok oh well I like that ". That's how I uhm... interpreted it. And yeah... well... point is that that's really small little stuff... and I saw her a few times more passing by a few times... doing all kinds of stuff. Uhm and... the second time I saw her she was really like dancing a little bit... being funny... and yeah. I wondered if she was just showing off or something or being happy or both like look at me being all happy I noticed it and I liked it anyway because I like happy girls. I just do. But yeah. The point is.

She will probably visit more around this place in the future... and uhm...

Oh well it's just that I get really like... I don't know...

It makes me think And that's not really good. It makes me consider my options. And I think very seriously about everything... it's like... I almost approach it in a very clinical kind of way. I think about things like... If I will ever get cheated on. And uhm... it's like... market value... (competition stuff)... the guys here didn't seem ready to make a move or something but maybe if I begin considering it they start feeling uhm... challenged as well... like competition awakes...

Oh well Not ready for it yet. She seemed to like me a little bit anyway. Although it was only just a like... look... just like "hmm interesting". But yeah... distant... like... pretty much impossible obviously. "Obviously" I should say. But well.

OK NEXT anyway.

Oh well I don't know. Don't really know what I came to do here. What I was planning to write down. I guess I had a nice day.

You're welcome for the comments and moderating Some of the other moderator's read your blog's too because they will sometimes approve them...

That girl sounds like she's nice