Ok uhm here I am again.

In the middle of the night again. Couldn't sleep.

Gosh.

I'm not in tune with myself anymore...

In all kinds of ways. Not in touch with myself.

I can't really explain myself... here... writing... I mean I know how to write. But it's like the language part of my brain has largely disconnected from the rest of my brain or something like that...

Ok so one thing perhaps... I don't have any contact with my parents at the moment. And uhm... yeah perhaps that's the reason for a lot of stuff as well. They are the reason for a lot of stuff. But uhm it's like for a long time I had adapted to them... to keep myself standing in the situation... of my youth and stuff like that. And it's gone now. And I'm confronted with a completely different world that has got nothing to do with the world I grew up in whatsoever at the moment. It's like a difference of day and night.

I was trying to sleep just a few minutes ago before I decided to get up and gave up on it for the time being... I can't force myself to go to sleep. And uhm yeah something really typical happened wich never happened to me a few years ago. I felt bad. I felt sad. As if I could cry. But I didn't know what for. I didn't know why. The point is though I had earplugs inside my ear to uhm... keep the noise down. I never really use that stuff a lot but sometimes it works. But I really forced them inside my ear... uhm and they were... I guess... I realised afterwards... pretty uncomfortable...

But I just had this terrible feeling like feeling very... down and sad and... whatever... and... I go to the bathroom. And while I'm there I'm like let's pull out those stupid earplugs as well because there's a chance they're annoying me. And I pulled them out and I was like wow This was what had been bothering me apparently. Because when I pulled them out it was like a huge relief!!!

This is all so stupid Those things usually didn't happen to me. This is what I mean with not being in touch with myself. Usually I could LOCATE what bothered me and what not.

At the moment I still have some feelings I guess. There's still a chance that I don't really necessarily feel very well. But it could be because of anything. Perhaps because my room is a little bit of a mess... uhm... perhaps because I didn't eat very well... but I don't know... untill I fixed it and I feel better. I don't know what is bothering me untill I've fixed it. I used to be very sensitive... and it's like I've suddenly turned completely insensitive. I can't care less about a whole bunch of things. I don't really think about my own future. About what is best for me. I don't want anything specific. Well... uhm... some form of intimacy... sort of... but... not enough for me to try and go after it... I guess... because...

Oh well I'm seriously not in touch with myself. I just don't know. If it gets daylight I don't know what to do. But because a lot of other people live here as well I kind of bother them with my own lack of motivation... to find something fun to do.

I'm becoming really childish as well... I'm already well in my 20's but today (officially yesterday of course) I've been outside all day kicking a ball around (playing soccer).

Uhm yeah I should explain that all... uhm the reason why that's possible is because I'm taken care of like... you might think uhm... why doesn't he have to work or anything like that (because I don't have to at the moment)...? Well I don't anyway. I'm taken care of pretty well. But uhm in a very basic way. I'm saving money to go to school again this year. Government financial aid. That's the word for it. That's what I'm getting. And it's... well that's cool but... there's not much to do for me... during the day... and...

Gosh. I'm just really childish I was playing soccer and I am a lot lately just to get my mind off of things... distraction... and to be busy... with something fun... something I can controll... like a ball... like with movement and stuff...

I have a PS3 but it doesn't work anymore... there's something wrong with it and I haven't fixed it yet... I should take it away to somebody who has got the knowledge to repair that thing. But I haven't yet because I think it's good for me that it's not working anymore. But uhm... To set my mind on other things.

But yeah then I go play soccer. And sometimes the ball has gotten up onto a roof... and... I need to get it back again. So I climb up the roof. And I did that once a couple of weeks ago. But yeah it's pretty fun being up a roof somewhere... being somewhere nobody else really is... and so yesterday (or today, depends how you look at it)... I've just been climbing roofs. Like... As if I'm 16 years old.

Sigh... the pressure to contribute to society is a little bit too much for me right now I guess. I'm just...

I don't know. I don't understand myself anymore.

To me... myself? I'm completely crazy. And yeah I often have thoughts about suicide and stuff. But to others I might seem normal. A bit. I don't know. I'm crazy... I really am... I'm so not in touch with myself anymore... not in the way I expect to be... everything is so different... I feel like some kind of lost alien. Nothing is that much different in reality. But I am experiencing everything in such a different way from how I used to experience things in the past... it's crazy.

Today I've thought about joining the army. As a sort of suicide... and because...

Yeah perhaps because of gaming a lot and stuff like that I'm just... trying to get a grip again... and I'm good at uhm doing stuff... especially controlling stuff... I think...

I should blame this on my dad. He's a ######6 moron. He's the one that did this delibirately. He knew... it was his tactic of raising me... he has told about his own upbringing. DAMNIT!!!

Didn't feel like typing anymore.

By the way... I'm not in touch with the english side of my brain either... because it's HORRIBLE. All my english is horrible. I used to be really good at it but...

Yeah...

I guess it's evidence of how messed up I am. I can't even get myself to concentrate on grammar and writing proper sentences. But I know that of myself. But I try anyway. Because I have to. I have to write about this. It's the only real connection to reality at the moment. More so than real life. Because here I am truly trying to become myself again (to get into touch with myself again)...

And for example I already notice that... right now... my english has already improved a bit... and I can tell you...
That's just because of the "DAMNIT!!!". Because it kind of expressed my feelings. And that kind of satisfied me... that kind of got rid of the need to express myself... because it satisfied it... (see, here it goes again)...

You know? I believe... IMO... I have got plenty of reasons to... like... feel sorry for myself... like... but that's a bad trait. Self-pity.

But I can't. I don't know. I don't allow myself to.

Gosh... the potential abuse... is just the tip of the iceberg... of a much... bigger problem... like... my entire upbringing is sick...

I've been spoiled. My mum seemed to like to depict my dad as a boogyman so she kind of...

Oh god.

This is serious. This seriously is just as bad as I thought it was. This seriously is survival...

One of the things that can happen if you have been abused is that you can lose touch with what it is that is bothering you in the present day. Like you didn't realise the earplugs were hurting you until you took them out. I've had the same thing with shoes that I didn't realise were making my feet bleed until I took them off and my feet felt better and I could tend to the wounds. This being disconnected to what we are currently feeling and not knowing what the problem is can be a result of abuse. Because if we are abused, especially while we were younger, we can learn to cut off the pain and awareness of it in because otherwise it may be too much for us to deal with. Then when we are older, we apply this same thing of cutting off awareness to the cause of our pain into current day situations, like hurting earplugs etc.

I think there is nothing wrong with letting the childish side of yourself out to play. I think it's important to give those childish and playful sides of yourself an opportunity for expression that may not have been allowed when you were younger. If playing soccer or PS3 helps give you a chance to let those childish sides of you have fun, that is a healthy thing to do.

You also say that you feel like you shouldn't feel sorry for yourself. I think there is nothing wrong with feeling grief for all of the things you have been through in life that you shouldn't have had to go through. It is a healthy thing to be able to let those feelings out. Just as it is a healthy thing for you to express your feelings like when you write "DAMNIT" in relation to your Dad.

Your English is good by the way. I wouldn't have guessed it isn't your first language if you hadn't said so.