Ok so ^^

This is pretty cool.

I've just read some of the comments on my previous blog entries.

Makes me feel a little bit better. Or well more normal somehow. Like... understood... partly...

Uhm yeah the question was about what had really happened?

Basically really really small stuff...

[perhaps triggering:]
I've got the feeling as if my mum set me up in some kind of scenario where I would... uhm stroke her breast... through telling me that one of our cats was underneath her shirt (wich they tended to do regularly so... nothing... serious). But uhm then I found out... after a couple of seconds thinking I was petting the cat and after having been encouraged (I believe... that's the scenario I'm affraid of but I don't actually know what is was like EXACTLY... but... like the details... intention and stuff like that... body language... the things that were said exactly) to pet at that particular spot... she told me I was in the wrong place... and that felt as if she was blaming me for what had happened...

It's like she first took a little bit of time to enjoy it before she told me I was in the wrong spot. And then it was like thunder struck my head... TOTAL STRESS... me being quiet and freezing... right in the spot... perhaps continueing with petting there for a second out of disbelief but I don't know about that... because my mind was on zero... Then I went upstairs... disturbed... ashamed... but it was seriously disturbing. Disturbing is the word. Shame didn't work anymore. I couldn't shame myself out of this stuff... it was seriously disturbing...

[end... of the potentially triggering part]

It has already gone too far.

And there's stuff with my dad that went too far. Wich made me just too incomfortable and it was disturbing enough for me to uhm... act on it... and... to make sure things didn't escalate.

That's the point.

That's perhaps the most damaging of all. I don't know if any of the stuff really is abuse. It's just that I felt forced to put up a shield. To protect myself. That's not good. I would only do that if I thought it was necessarry. They made me distrust them. This abused my trust in them. They spilled it.

And seriously with my dad it's just a matter of strength... aggression... stuff like that etc... because that's the position he was in. I feel like I have to retaliate for it.

And I blame myself for what has happened with my mum and me... somewhat...

But along with that... there's so much more. The reason why I've been born... and like what was going on at that point in time. My grandpa (mum's dad) died a few months before of cancer... or well he had to be uhm yeah... artificial because else it could turn out to become extremely painfull... terror... and death in the end anyway... so he died an artificial death... (syringe and stuff)... and apparently he was a really nice man and my mum was really... and still is like... it's like she adores him or something... like everything about him was really good apparently. He was funny... uhm... oh I can't even think about it really. I have already thought about stuff like maybe my parents got abused too so I can't really think clearly about my grandpa because I already suspect things of him towards my mum she might still uhm have... suppressed or something like that.

But that means like my mum could've gotten really really sad at that moment in time. And I don't rule out that perhaps my dad has been furious at her during the whole pregnancy because it makes me think sometimes he regretted the pregnancy. Especially because the reason... for why they have gotten kids... uhm my mum said... was because I had such a good nice funny grandpa that could get along with kids really well and everything. Also pets but yeah that's irrelevant. So they wanted... somehow... to uhm... want us to get to know him while it was still possible. I don't know. Something with uhm either my grandpa being able to see us... the next generation... or the other way around... although that wouldn't have been that special... perhaps just photographs or stuff like that. But I've also thought about the possibility that perhaps they just wanted to give my grandpa a moral boost to stay alive. To keep going. I don't know. Perhaps that was a time where the mental side of things like those struggling with cancer and stuff like that was already thought to be... of influence to the general outcome of the disease (survive or die)...

Well anyway. A long story short. I feel like there can be a huge number of reasons why the hormone levels of my mum could have been drastically different from what they should have been like because of the difficult time in her life... the... emotions etc. Perhaps my dad got mad. Well my dad apparently was mad all the time anyway... so yeah... point is I'm a very cautious child somewhere somehow. I believe a child gets prepared in the womb by the hormones of the mother for the world he might get into. So if the mother is scared a lot the child will adapt at that and become more cautious later in life. Also I've been born a little bit late. And I don't know but perhaps I just didn't want to come out. Perhaps I was just too scared...

And still... I think sometimes... perhaps... that's a big influence as well. Life has been decided for me. I should've been dead. But I got pulled out by the entire medical staff at once. I flew out then apparently.

But yeah. So perhaps I'm full with uhm... grief... as well... in general...

Although I do believe... my mum... I think she was very aware of uhm health. Her mother was on all kinds of drugs during her pregnancy and my mum has blamed her for that... and my mother probably took great care to prevent making the same mistake as well as her. Yeah... well...

Etc etc etc etc... more and more and more and more...

Detailed. All kinds of people can recognise me.

I don't know if I'll ever regret that. There's a possibility I will.

So yeah the point is... abuse from both parents... an uncomfortable feeling anyway...

[extremely disturbing perhaps! I'm not really thinking here about what I say]
I'm scared of gay men. Because I perceive them as a threat. An existential threat. And I feel uncomfortable picking stuff up... and bending over... I usually stick one leg out as well to keep balance and to... yeah it's sick... you should know what I mean... I don't know... should I seriously spell this out for you? So there's no room. It's like... in pornographic clips where girls sometimes get *****d in between somewhere that doesn't have an opinion. Girls with a large brah. That's it. But then with my rear. With like a ***is between my buttocks. Oh gosh perhaps it somewhat of a relief as well to really describe this in a graphic kind of way... a disturbing way. It is.

And yeah I've got all kinds of issues with girls as well. And now?

I can't enjoy anything sexually. The point is... I became kind of like aware of all of this like a year ago... and before that... I could still enjoy sexual stuff... uhm... like... on my own.

But I can't anymore. And it's like sometimes I used it to blow off some steam or something like that. Now things add up... they tense up... I become extremely agrivated. Agitated. I sometimes really want to turn aggressive. Also fed by research I have read about that sexuality and aggression are linked directly in mice. Sexuality is a very good way to suppress aggressive behaviour.

[end extremely disturbing stuff]

Going through all kinds of moods by the way.

I already know that if I post up this post I'll probably really regret it later on. This is really a post I won't be able to recognise anymore later on. Why this expressive? Why tell people about this?

Well because right now I feel like I have to.

I won't have that feeling anymore when I've told people obviously... so then if I read it back it's like "why did I have that urge?". Well that's because back then when I wrote it I never expressed any of this yet. And just went out "partying"... and I've got a little bit of alcohol perhaps annoying me. But I'm really strict with that kind of stuff so don't think I'm an alcoholic or something like that.

What's the use of this? I don't know.

Edit: ...getting sleepy...

Last edit: Oh yeah right one more thing. Yeah I sometimes do watch pornographic stuff. But it's horrible. Seriously. I don't know why I do it. It's seriously... It's so clynical. No love really at all IMO. I wonder if any of you recognises this stuff. Because I think of it as terrible.

And yeah basically that's where the biggest problem is.

Oh gosh! I realise something. It's like... if somebody can't see because there's something wrong with their eyes... that doesn't mean the brains aren't there to process it. The brain capacity is still there. The brain is still... like... wired to see stuff... it wants to see stuff... it's just not getting it though... and perhaps the visual part of the brain is damaged as well! But that doesn't mean the memory part of the brain isn't still adapted to easily remember visual memories...

That's all instinct. We would still have that urge to uhm remember visual stuff... even though perhaps the actual vision is missing...

So there's circumstances why the sexual stuff is kind of lacking...

But maybe I need to look at it more as reproductive stuff.

Ugh...

I can't get over this. I can't... I mean... this... gosh...

All of these girls also have problems as well. Always. So even if I do sometimes just... show interest... it's immediately rude and stuff like that or not-appreciated. And I get very very hostile responses. It's like gosh you should be glad. Glad I'm making an effort... glad I'm even talking to you... glad I'm trying to gather all my guts there to... say something or... I don't know... but they probably are.

So even if all my problems were out of the way. I mean... It's like I've...

This die-hard feminism is seriously... Girls... and women are so unpredictable... I have a feeling like I can be killed for just liking a girl... because she doesn't want to be liked... and she's that certain of that... all this ######6 feminism... it's... and all the ######6 whining about wanting to be approached at the same time. It's terrible. It's torture. It's like damn...

But I've already figured it out... they become desperate at an older age. When the biological clock starts ticking.

Those things perhaps shouldn't be seperate. Perhaps the seperation of sex and like... kids etc... is the problem as well... Or perhaps it isn't. But perhaps the problem is that it's still wired inside our heads as if it's a problem.

Somehow somewhere anyway...

Gosh I'm going to stop. Although... finally some emotion might come out... finally I might at some point... understand what this is all about... headache... tired...

Something about biological stuff... uhm kids... uhm... if another human of the opposite sex apparently takes a really unhealthy interest in me... my kids would get downgraded if they would ever appear out of that "contact". They would have all kinds of diseases. Along with the fact that I believe there might be a mechanism where society just doesn't tolerate those screw ups... or well... they never did... like... in ancient times... and perhaps I'm still wired like that... as if I'm in fear of my life if somebody will ever find out about what has happened...

I'm healthy though. So. Physically I'm healthy.

Tired.

I can't get it... seriously... I need to give up right now...

Yeah well somehow salted lipstick... I just...

I'm just like. Ok I think of this as cool sometimes... because uhm... yeah... I think there aren't many guys that have bad experiences with women... and so perhaps it's kind of unknown about how that... interacts etc... but yeah anyway... it's nice somehow... that... well lol...

It's not something that's cool to have in common. But uhm it is uhm... Oh well. It's not that much. I shouldn't make too much of a fuss about it.

So...

Kind of funny how often I don't recognise much of my own posts anymore after I've written them but I do recognise a LOT of yours lol... and kind of funny how you can have the same thing with your own posts but you also recognise stuff in my posts. That's the fun stuff.

Oh well just pointing out. And yeah nice to know that my english isn't that bad... I guess...

But yeah... I don't know... What makes it all a tiny tiny tiny bit different... is because... oh well but differences are cool as well...

Actually I'm unique. Everyone is unique. So I can explain all the differences here but it's not relevant to explain them because then I could as well explain them all wich is basically... too much to start... writing about... it's useless.

Don't know if you still recognise this. Perhaps you have a lot of difficulty with reading through this stuff... through these things... but... I hope it's ok... you seem to handle it...

^^

At least I'm not really suppressing this anymore.

I think it is good that you are gradually feeling freer to write and say more here.

It is wrong that your mother set you up to touch her in that way. You say it's small stuff but it's not. That is really serious that she did that stuff and really wrong of her. Sure, she may have been abused herself in the past maybe, but that doesn't give her the right to treat you like that. She should never have done that to you.

I think the fact that you have fears of bending over in front of men because of that sexual stuff could be a potential sign of there being more abuse for you to remember. It is unusual to have that type of fear with no background history that would give you a reason to fear men doing that to you. I'm sorry to hear that you have this fear and feel uncomfortable bending over sometimes because of it.

It sounds like some of the stuff you have been through has really made it hard for you to experience your sexuality as a healthy and nice thing in the present day. I think maybe some therapy could help you understand this and work through this better so that it doesn't effect your relationships with women in the future.

Thanks. True.

But yeah I know... it is very likely that there isn't any more abuse...

It's just that that spoon position... I don't know... it's the same as bending over... kind of... if you know what I mean...

But it's irrelevant in some kind of way. It doesn't matter anymore.

That is true that there may not be any more abuse. The fact remains that you don't always remember your posts and so if you don't always remember those, it's difficult to know what else you might not remember...

Why do you say that that stuff is irrelevant and doesn't matter anymore? I think anything that makes you feel uncomfortable is relevant and matters, even if it's just because it means that acknowledging that those things make you uncomfortable can mean that you can take action to try and be more comfortable in those types of situations...