by Cornelius on Wed Sep 04, 2013 2:41 am
One of the things about the situation which makes it more difficult to wrap my mind around is the fact that, while I feel what I did in this specific situation was justified and, in fact, right, I've been guilty of what they're accusing me of more times than I can count.
Imagine you were falsely accused of murder, only there was a murder in your past you were never charged with. As you sit and listen to the prosecutor's closing arguments, what are your thoughts? Can you say with confidence that you should be acquitted of this crime, which you legitimately didn't commit, while knowing you were guilty of the same charge against a different victim? "This man should be given the maximum sentence for his crime; he is a murderer," says the prosecutor. "No I'm not," you think. "I mean, I *am*... but I'm not."
I left with good reason. I believe that's true. But had the situation been different -- had the situation been what they thought it was -- I would have left without good reason. I *would* have left out of fear and doubt. And maybe that's one of the reasons I'm so pissed at them (though I should be pissed at myself). My whole life has been spent hiding these deficiencies, this fear, from everyone, including myself. It's been about pretending to be strong and indifferent, while really being much too scared to ever go after what I wanted or being much too fearful of failure to risk it.
And then these girls come along and, through a series of misunderstandings, put me in a situation I've always avoided. They think I'm pursuing them romantically -- a situation I would never actually risk exposing myself to -- and expect me to make a move. All the signs suggest I want that. And in the alternate reality in my head, I do. But not in regular reality. in regular reality I don't want them, not just because I'm scared, but because of who they are and who I am. It's not right; I'm truly justified in staying away. That's not just me being defensive -- that's the real deal.
But at the same time, part of my brain is buying into the alternate reality. In that reality, I'm a genuine suitor and they're genuine... (what's the opposite of suitor?) ... let's say... babes. And then my self-esteem becomes all wrapped up in this fantasy/concept and I can't just walk away easily. So part of my brain is saying, "I can't pursue this; this isn't right. I'm right to just walk away." And the other part is giving credibility to the criticisms they're leveling against me and their ultimate rejection of me. "What a pussy," they must think. "What a coward." But I.... No, I had to do what I did..... Only.... they're right.... had the situation been different I would have done the same thing.
I'm not guilty of the specific crime they charge me with, but I'm guilty of the crime nonetheless. M's thing about fear was completely off-base as a response to what I wrote, but was dead-nuts-on when it comes to me in general.
This knowledge and recognition doesn't make it any easier to accept and move on from the situation.
0 Comments
Viewed 2296 times
by Cornelius on Tue Sep 03, 2013 9:26 pm
I was considering today whether or not she's sold her soul. I concluded that, no, she hasn't sold her soul. She never had a soul to begin with. She's a whore, certainly, but she hasn't sold anything more than that. She's about as famous as it gets right now, which is terrible for me. But of course she's not famous for anything more than... well, being famous. And of course whom she dates. She's a "personality." She's not talented. She's not an artist. She's barely an entertainer. She has absolutely nothing to say. She's just a proxy for the drooling masses to look at and say, "I wish I had her (completely fictitious) life; I wish I was special (re: mentally retarded) like her." A thought struck me the other day and I could hardly stop laughing. I considered her being interviewed by someone reputable (not like XXXXXXX or XXXXXXXX or wastes of flesh like that) and imagining what the interview would entail. Of course I couldn't even fathom it because she is so mind-numbingly vapid that they couldn't ask her anything except whom she's dating. She's just completely hollow. There's nothing there and never has been. That's why I say she didn't sell her soul. There was no soul to sell. There was never any substance there. She only wants to be famous. She only wants attention. That's it. She'd do anything for it because it's the singular thing which drives her. Be an actress? I'll do that. Sing? I'll do that. Suck a cock? Will you look at me while I do it? When this fact first became conspicuous, I called her out on it. She, being oblivious to who she actually is, thought that I was implying her relationship was fabricated. No, I never thought that. I was saying she was a complete hypocrite for using her relationship for media attention in an attempt to advance her career -- something she'd previously, explicitly said she wouldn't do. See, that's the thing. Until our values get challenged, we can believe we believe in anything we want. "I'm a pacifist" you might say... until someone threatens your family and then that value goes out the window. She thought she had pride and self-respect... until those things got in the way of her being famous, and so she sold her relationship for media attention and mainstream recognition. Eventually life reveals our true values and our true motivations. Hers is simply being famous. That will trump every other value she purports to have, because she has no other values. That's why she's so often labelled a hypocrite. Absolutely wretched person. Just a completely wretched human being. And yet most of the public seem to think otherwise. Her personality fools them. She's histrionic so it shouldn't be much of a surprise. Smile big and act coquettish and the wool comes over the eyes. "What a great young woman." "What a good role model." "She has a great head on her shoulders." Ummm, what? She's the exact opposite of a good role model. Parents should use her as Exhibit A of how to be an unhealthy young woman. If you were to stick a pin in her she wouldn't bleed; she'd just deflate. I can think of no one on this planet who is more hollow than her. Truly. I'm a little ambivalent about the last thing I said to her. I said something nice, even though I really didn't mean it. I did that for her, though I'm not sure why. She didn't deserve it and I really didn't want to do it. I wanted to tell her how big a piece of $#%^ I think she is and how everyone else will eventually see it too. And that when life crashes in on her (and it will), I'll be leaning back, drinking something cold and feeling pretty ######6 smug. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a point (I hope) at which this type of rant will be unnecessary. It's happened with all the others. A is like that right now. I used to feel exactly the same thing about A as I do currently... [ Continued ]
0 Comments
Viewed 1601 times
by Cornelius on Sun Sep 01, 2013 3:34 am
I chose this. I keep forgetting that. The choices were to unfairly drag it out and make the termination even harder for everyone, or to end it when I did. I chose to end it. It was the right decision.
Was it the right execution? I don't know. Who can say? It wasn't simple: that was the problem. The very reason they stayed at a distance was why I did too. They thought they wanted truth and openness. No, that only lead to pain. So I did what I thought was right and best for everyone. You think I wanted to leave? You think I didn't want to drag it out and milk that bitch for as much supply as I could get out of her? But I didn't. So ###$ you.
And now she's gone. And she's been gone for a long time. And those other idiots, for some unknown ######6 reason, think they're being kind when they rehash it with me. How ######6 stupid can you be? I just don't get it. Shut your ######6 mouth. Why in ###$'s name would anyone be so dumb as to think I would want to rehash it with them? Fools.
When I'm feeling good the words of the XXXXXXX piece strike me poignantly. I understand them; I understand what I had originally intended to say. It wasn't right. It was a mistake, a misunderstanding. I didn't really care about her at all. I cared about an image -- my own image. And she was just a vessel which carried that image and a proxy which validated it. But I didn't really want her. Not the real her. The real her is hollow and vile. There is nothing there but need and desperation. She couldn't satisfy me in any way. I said that. I said it because it was true. The "other" I mentioned was me. Quite simple really. All of it true; you just had to have the key to decipher it.
The best bit is at the end with the child. She shocks you back into reality, the same way she shocks XXXXX back into reality, the same way I was trying to shock myself back into reality. "Can we go home now?" she says from out of the blue. What? Home? Yes. Yes, home. Where I belong. Let's go home.
That's what I chose. It was the right decision, even if it wasn't one I particularly enjoyed making.
I hope this headache goes away at some point before I die.
0 Comments
Viewed 2007 times
by Cornelius on Mon Aug 26, 2013 2:27 am
I showed up one day out of 90 and yet they thought the anomaly was my being gone.
All I ever wanted was to be gone. And I know that some people can't fathom how that can be difficult. I mean, how hard is it to just leave? But sometimes it's not that simple. Not the way my brain works. You can't just pick up and leave and never look back. My self-concept is attached to her; I can't just abandon it. It's not a choice; my mind simply won't let me do that.
And so it becomes a process. It's not a single decision. It's a process, like an addict or a an ex-con or whatever. Every day and every moment is part of the process and part of the recovery.
I told them all this. I told this to myself. I said, "I have to leave; I'm trying to leave." And then I'd come back and so they'd say, "Oh, he wants to be here." And I'd say, "I have to leave; I'm trying to leave," but they still wouldn't listen.
I feel confident in everything I said and everything I did. The situation sucked but it was what it was; I did my best with what I was handed. And my assessment of the situation was above reproach. I was right about myself and right about her. She became what I feared she'd become, possibly even worse. She is completely hollow; she has zero self-respect. None. She will become whatever it is that's demanded of her for people to like her or pay attention to her. She's completely desperate and vapid. I shudder to think how low she'll sink to remain in the public eye. The others laughed at me when I said that, said I didn't have a clue. Absurd. I was right on the ######6 money. She proves me right every single day. She's a public joke and yet she loves it because at least people are watching.
You know what else? Which of us was the only one to ever apologize? Which of us was the only one to ever give without expectation of recompense? Everything she did was ludicrously self-serving and self-absorbed. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, considering her occupation, but as someone who doesn't operate that way it's still disappointing.
And who was the only one to try to leave it on a decent note? They left on silence. Cowards. I owed them absolutely nothing and yet I told them I was leaving and told them nicely. I even came back when it seemed like that wasn't enough.
Whatever. All you can do is try your best and then be content with that. If they don't appreciate it then ###$ them. I gave them so much more than they were owed, infinitely more than they deserved. Them? They gave nothing. Yes, J, people get revealed.
0 Comments
Viewed 2194 times
by Cornelius on Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:14 pm
First it was like that Simpsons episode where Frank Grimes tricks Homer into taking part in a "Design a Nuclear Power Plant" contest for children. Homer builds the existing plant, adds some racing stripes, and is crowned champion by the inflexible Mr. Burns.
"But this is a contest for children," Grimes protests, as his co-workers cheer on the victorious Homer.
"Yeah," Lennie responds, "And Homer beat their brains in!"
It was just like that. Look, I'm no poet. I'm no artist. And I'm certainly not funny. But put me in a contest with people half my age and I'll turn 'em around.
It's also not difficult to dazzle people who are so vain and needy.
Hmmm. I was going to write about that but I think I'll skip it. No sense wallowing in sadistic stuff like that.
The point is, this is all #######4. She is an idealization but she is not the point. I am the point. I have always been the point. It is MY idealized self which is all that matters, and my mind will accept any validation of that image, from anyone or anything. When I didn't know it was her, I let the others validate the image. (What others? Like, two people? The only ones who cared were her and her sycophantic friends. And they obviously only cared because it was about her.) Once I realized it was her, or at least my brain was willing to believe that, it became easier just to have her represent everyone. She became the proxy instead of a proxy comprised of the masses. (Again, the masses of two.)
I'm a bum. I'm an ugly, unlikable person who couldn't attract flies at a picnic. What the others see is their own projection. They want someone to love them and take them seriously. There's just enough intelligence in what I do that their minds can find what they need, warp it, and think I'm something I'm not. This was just a misunderstanding. I'm nothing like they think. I'm just a guy who made the local news because he was struck by lightning (i.e. did nothing) and then was never heard from again.
And yes, that's as pathetic as it sounds.
0 Comments
Viewed 2119 times
|