Don't really understand what's happening today. I woke up feeling decent, ruminating on how the object had become a drunken, tattooed whore. That's fine, I thought, don't need that type of trash around. All was fine. Not great, but fine.

But then in the early afternoon I'm overcome by this crazy anxiety -- a feeling of intense panic. What if the XXXX XXXXXXX wasn't a rift between them? What if she was cool with that? What if she even participated in it? We already know of the other illegal stuff she went along with. Why stop there?

I have no idea where this came from. I haven't ever felt it before. In fact, I thought that today I was feeling particularly grounded in reality, and then all of a sudden, boom, this $#%^ comes out of nowhere. Is it just the mood leading around the cognition? Or is there something more going on? I honestly don't know.

When it happened I went back to something I wrote last night about bad news being good news, about how all the things which I instinctively lament -- leaving and then driving her away and all that stuff -- is really good and necessary. And seeing the ugly side of her is definitely one of these "bad news is good news" things too, as it denies my mind the ability to idealize her again and slip into the fantastical mindset.

But I'm still concerned about what today means. I was so certain that I was *more* grounded in reality -- I felt so detached from them all -- and yet two hours later I'm panicking about her morality as if it was 2010. What the hell happened?