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Cornelius
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Cotangential Function

Permanent Linkby Cornelius on Wed Aug 21, 2013 9:33 pm

It comes and goes, as it has for nearly 5 years now.

Actually, that's not true. It's come and gone for nearly 20. Same cycles but the host changes from time to time.

I hate to admit it but this one was/is the worst. I hate to admit it because it implies that she holds power over me. And since i hate her guts and think she's disgusting, I don't want to admit to that.

It's a bizarre feeling to be so convinced of something and then have that belief wiped away. It's embarrassing too. I'm not the same person in this reality as I was in the other one. Of course that's why the other reality was created.

But wait, this reality isn't completely devoid of accomplishments and identity. In their world things were framed unfairly. I was reticent and cowardly. I didn't come forward because I was scared of rejection and wanted to be comfortable.

No. That's not it at all. I didn't come forward because what I was experiencing was borderline psychosis. I was trying to run from fantasy, not to it. In reality I lived for years outside my comfort zone and thrived. I look back at what I did for those 10 years and have no shame.

It's funny. Some people hate going on Facebook and seeing what other people are doing with their lives. I completely understand this, although I don't feel the same. Most people feel self-conscious when all anyone does is show you pictures of their tropical vacations or the time they met the President. But those are just points in time. The don't comprise the majority of those people's lives, which are undoubtedly filled with the same ennui, doubt, and struggle we all experience.

But I don't mind the stealth boasting and the misrepresentation. And I don't mind it for two reasons. First, I realized at some point that all my old acquaintances who've gone onto bigger and better things -- the military, particularly my unit, opens a lot of doors -- have gone onto bigger and better things I wouldn't actually want to do. Oh, sure, I'd love to be able to *say* that I went to Harvard business school, but I wouldn't actually want to go. It would bore me to tears, just like XXXX did. No, they can do that stuff; I'm glad for them. But I'm comfortable doing what I'm doing.

Second, these people are real. I knew them. I was one of them. I was their equal. And that is exactly the reality check I need when I'm being drowned by my object. She isn't real. She never was. That's all some fantasy world my mind created. But when it gets blown to smithereens and I have to come back to reality, reality is not empty. I am real. I have a past. I have done things.

I saw a video with XXXX and his little girl. It's been, what, 13 years I guess. When I saw him I laughed aloud. It's like not a single day has gone by. He's wearing his BDUs and his gold oak leaves but he's the exact same guy. The exact same goof who used to study with me and bitch incessantly when I got better grades than him.

The reality is not better than the fantasy because here I am better. It's better because it takes no mental gymnastics to justify itself. It is real.

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