One of the things about the situation which makes it more difficult to wrap my mind around is the fact that, while I feel what I did in this specific situation was justified and, in fact, right, I've been guilty of what they're accusing me of more times than I can count.

Imagine you were falsely accused of murder, only there was a murder in your past you were never charged with. As you sit and listen to the prosecutor's closing arguments, what are your thoughts? Can you say with confidence that you should be acquitted of this crime, which you legitimately didn't commit, while knowing you were guilty of the same charge against a different victim? "This man should be given the maximum sentence for his crime; he is a murderer," says the prosecutor. "No I'm not," you think. "I mean, I *am*... but I'm not."

I left with good reason. I believe that's true. But had the situation been different -- had the situation been what they thought it was -- I would have left without good reason. I *would* have left out of fear and doubt. And maybe that's one of the reasons I'm so pissed at them (though I should be pissed at myself). My whole life has been spent hiding these deficiencies, this fear, from everyone, including myself. It's been about pretending to be strong and indifferent, while really being much too scared to ever go after what I wanted or being much too fearful of failure to risk it.

And then these girls come along and, through a series of misunderstandings, put me in a situation I've always avoided. They think I'm pursuing them romantically -- a situation I would never actually risk exposing myself to -- and expect me to make a move. All the signs suggest I want that. And in the alternate reality in my head, I do. But not in regular reality. in regular reality I don't want them, not just because I'm scared, but because of who they are and who I am. It's not right; I'm truly justified in staying away. That's not just me being defensive -- that's the real deal.

But at the same time, part of my brain is buying into the alternate reality. In that reality, I'm a genuine suitor and they're genuine... (what's the opposite of suitor?) ... let's say... babes. And then my self-esteem becomes all wrapped up in this fantasy/concept and I can't just walk away easily. So part of my brain is saying, "I can't pursue this; this isn't right. I'm right to just walk away." And the other part is giving credibility to the criticisms they're leveling against me and their ultimate rejection of me. "What a pussy," they must think. "What a coward." But I.... No, I had to do what I did..... Only.... they're right.... had the situation been different I would have done the same thing.

I'm not guilty of the specific crime they charge me with, but I'm guilty of the crime nonetheless. M's thing about fear was completely off-base as a response to what I wrote, but was dead-nuts-on when it comes to me in general.

This knowledge and recognition doesn't make it any easier to accept and move on from the situation.