I chose this. I keep forgetting that. The choices were to unfairly drag it out and make the termination even harder for everyone, or to end it when I did. I chose to end it. It was the right decision.

Was it the right execution? I don't know. Who can say? It wasn't simple: that was the problem. The very reason they stayed at a distance was why I did too. They thought they wanted truth and openness. No, that only lead to pain. So I did what I thought was right and best for everyone. You think I wanted to leave? You think I didn't want to drag it out and milk that bitch for as much supply as I could get out of her? But I didn't. So ###$ you.

And now she's gone. And she's been gone for a long time. And those other idiots, for some unknown ######6 reason, think they're being kind when they rehash it with me. How ######6 stupid can you be? I just don't get it. Shut your ######6 mouth. Why in ###$'s name would anyone be so dumb as to think I would want to rehash it with them? Fools.

When I'm feeling good the words of the XXXXXXX piece strike me poignantly. I understand them; I understand what I had originally intended to say. It wasn't right. It was a mistake, a misunderstanding. I didn't really care about her at all. I cared about an image -- my own image. And she was just a vessel which carried that image and a proxy which validated it. But I didn't really want her. Not the real her. The real her is hollow and vile. There is nothing there but need and desperation. She couldn't satisfy me in any way. I said that. I said it because it was true. The "other" I mentioned was me. Quite simple really. All of it true; you just had to have the key to decipher it.

The best bit is at the end with the child. She shocks you back into reality, the same way she shocks XXXXX back into reality, the same way I was trying to shock myself back into reality. "Can we go home now?" she says from out of the blue. What? Home? Yes. Yes, home. Where I belong. Let's go home.

That's what I chose. It was the right decision, even if it wasn't one I particularly enjoyed making.

I hope this headache goes away at some point before I die.