I'd be pretty stupid not to take this one personally.

You want me to bottle my rage
Cause you never had the heart to say what I say.
My life, my body, my pride.
You have no opinion, no right.
I've built myself nothing like you.
My refusal is my way of life.

I've used your lack of inspiration.
As my awakening, its my ability to live forever
By my own command.
To be vehement, remain confident.
Doubt me, Hate me
You're the inspiration I need
You're all the inspiration I need.


I guess now I know. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's bad. Maybe I don't know what those things mean anymore. Maybe they're strict as straight as a line. won't you please come get your baby, maybe.

I really tried right? I did try? I know I did. Did I?

She don't need me
He don't need love

I wonder if I'm supposed to read between the lines this time.

It's better I just keep to myself

Snowed in and work was cancelled so I slept 'til almost noon. I hate doing that 'cause I wake up rested but feel confused and lost and not sure what to do with myself. Hoping if I write for a while I will be able to figure out what to be today.

Thinking a lot about therapy yesterday. We ended up talking a lot about 'Gravity,' which in a lot of ways I thought was sentimental & forced, but which I related to so much that I kinda don't care. Basically the main character is out in this terrifying environment and has to figure out what to do with herself. It's terrifying in part because it's hostile: there's no air/water, and huge indifferent forces are constantly threatening to obliterate her. But it's mostly scary because it's so empty and there's nothing to hold on to. She's always on the verge of being thrust out into black emptiness with no way to secure herself. The part where she's just spinning away from everything, unable to even determine her position because there are no points of reference, felt very familiar.

In space there's no such thing as a fixed point -- you can tether yourself to things but they're all floating too. So George Clooney feels like this like strong, solid voice of authority that serves as an anchor for her for a while, and of course she clings to him for dear life. But he's just as lost as she is, obviously, and eventually he's gone and she has just no idea what to do. Ultimately she has to find her own strength & direction. Again I guess some of this is kind of trite but as DFW always said when you're really lost you can't afford to mock cliches if they can help you. So anyway somehow she finds the will to fight for her life, and when she finally (improbably I guess) gets back home and has the ground under her feet again, it's pretty beautiful.

Anyway we talked about that feeling which I've kind of had my whole life: like I am just spinning in space, trying to find strong, solid structures to anchor myself to. Never knowing what direction to point myself in, or how to even do it 'cause I can't get my bearings. Which is probably why I cling to things like eating disorders, which, as unhealthy as they are, provide some kind of secure foundation or purpose in a life that otherwise feels overwhelming. Sometimes when I wake up feeling like I did this morning I immediately want to turn on a video game because it will tell me what to do; it will give me simple rules to follow and reward me for following them. It imposes some kind of order on the void. I know I do it with men too; when I meet someone secure in themselves I want to be near them, because they make me feel like my feet are planted somewhere.

Dr. ________ said he thinks it's okay for me to use all these things as stabilizing forces but that I can't just try to lash myself to one thing only. So I can focus on being healthy, but not to the point of starving myself; I can focus on work, but not obsess about being the greatest whatever of all time. I can even fall in love but not to the point where I lose touch with myself or with reality. Which I think I've been doing all this time with ________, refusing to accept that he simply is not attracted to me because I felt like my relationship with him was one of the few good, real things in my life and I guess I hoped he felt the same.

That doesn't mean I get to imagine he's interested in me when he isn't. Was major sanity check yesterday when I told Dr. _____ that a few weeks back I was pretty sure he wanted me to hit on him and was trying to get me to do it. The minute I said it out loud I realized it sounded insane. One thing I like about my therapist is that even when I say something questionable he'll give me the benefit of the doubt. "So what exactly did he do that led you to that conclusion?" Realized I had nothing. Managed to squeak "...He sat next to me on the couch." Immediately felt overwhelmingly ashamed. He was cool tho'. We...

[ Continued ]

Every day I miss you. I wish I could thank you for everything you taught me. You knew how to find beauty in life, and you made life beautiful for me.

I know you are always with me.

I love you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvFH_6DNRCY

I always expect to be farther along by Day 4. I am still not okay. Because I can't focus on anything else right now, here is how I feel:

- Cold. Layers of sweaters, fleeces, jackets have little effect. Hot water, soup, tea are surprisingly helpful.

- Watery. Eyes, nose, etc.

- Nauseated. Can't eat anything much more complicated than a piece of soft bread. Hot food is infinitely better than cold. Leafy food like greens or slimy food like lunch meat are totally out.

- Dizzy. Lots of head rushes. Also am weirdly uncoordinated, have trouble navigating when walking and will bump into things.

- No energy at all but sleeping is a nightmare. Will thrash around ilke I am fighting an army of Spartans, all in a kind of half sleep. Sometimes I will do things in a dream state that I am barely conscious of: stumble to the kitchen and eat just fistfuls of carbs, swallow 4 mgs of Klonopin. It's semi-under my control but not entirely.

- Sad. Sad about things like all the animals freezing outside because it's so cold.

- Guilty/ashamed. For making my parents worry, for hurting my friends' feelings, for not playing with my cats when they are clearly bored & lonely.

- Angry. At my parents, friends and cats for making me feel guilty and ashamed. >_< (See above: I know it's insane.)

- Self-loathing. My brother gets up on weekends and cross-country skis. He's not some kind of NPD hard-charger either: he just likes the peace and beauty of it. I get up and play video games all day.

- Lonely. All around me people are talking and laughing and doing things as a team and I feel like if I were dead no one would give a $#%^.

- Worried. Am I going to lose my job? Am I ever going to be able to quit this? Does ___________ think I'm a jerk, crazy, weak? If I don't get this weight off how soon before he & everyone else decides I'm a total loser? Is this gonna cost everything that matters to me?

Finally:

- Hopeful. This has to get better. It's better today than yesterday. It will be better tomorrow. I can do this. I lived many years without them. I can do it again.