oh man i need to work but it is so hard when i'm sad. he is leaving for good. or i mean he says he "might come back in five years if he has a reason" but i think that pretty much translates to "goodbye." he got kinda sarcastic when i asked if i could write him so i think that means he's annoyed that i want to keep in touch.

i know leaving is what he needs to do and it will probably be healthy to get away from this place because he's unhappy here. he's so young and he needs to be free. so i can't let him see that it's gonna hurt for me: i know how it feels to be trapped by guilt and responsibility and obligation and it's the worst feeling in the world. i can take care of myself. and i always knew i'd have to move on eventually. but i didn't realize it would hurt this much.

and i mean he's not interested in me anyway DUH. I can't even count how many times he's told me that. in no uncertain terms. the last time i pushed he said he was never going to speak to me again if i did it again. he flat out told me i should hook up with C: "He'd be really good to you." ugh yeah i guess he would be - there are lots of guys who would be, no matter how fat i get there still seem to be guys everywhere who want me. but none of them even compare. i just want to be his girl. his girl, just for him.

But he doesn't WANT that -- what. the ###$. am I talking about? And he's so much better looking than I am, cooler than I am, he can make this amazing music like some kind of wizard. He's been with women so much more beautiful than I am it's like we're not even the same species. And how many times has he had to explain that he's not attracted to me? i mean what he said last night, with angry voice, angry eyes: "It's not YOURS. I didn't make it for YOU." Basically: "Don't get the wrong idea I shouldn't have to say it again but I'm not ######6 interested you psychopath bitch."

Once again I have to wonder if he's right and I'm crazy. Because my brain knows that he doesn't like me, I mean I'm not actually retarded, I speak English and everything. He doesn't even want me to think about him this much. but there are other parts of me -- my heart and body and every empathetic sense I'm possessed of -- that feel all this warmth and love from him. They tell me that he cares for me too,

But these are the fantasies of a lonely girl who keeps imagining something beautiful will magically happen to her like Cinderella or something. It doesn't matter what my heart thinks it senses. If I'm wrong and I push him again I will lose him as a friend forever. I won't get another chance. "i just want to be your ######6 friend for god sake nothing more nothing more nothing more," copied and pasted over and over again. "this is ######6 creepy to me." "you are deliberately sabotaging any hope of me ever being friends with you again." "Stop thinking that Im always going to be there. You're driving me away. I cant be friends with anyone who treats me like this."

I can't risk it. He's too important to me. I can't. If we can only be friends that's still pretty good right? I'm really lucky to have that! Why am I being so ######6 selfish? God I wish I were prettier. Or could stop daydreaming about guys that are out of my league. But I can't seem to turn it off. Last night wanted him to pull me to him and kiss me so badly I forgot how to talk for minutes at a time. And then couldn't fall asleep for like three hours because I just wanted to be in bed next to him, not even sex, I don't even dream that big anymore, just want to fall asleep warm and safe in his arms, head on his chest so i can hear him breathing. this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-PBr8t5W7s

It's okay. i'm okay. life is full of disappointments and we can just be friends. It's also really fun just to hang out with him wonder if he'd want to do something again before we both get...

[ Continued ]

Things are bad. I don't know where else to put this because my therapist says I have to write but I'm afraid my mom is reading my journals. I woke up crying this morning, like with tears already on my cheeks. This is my third withdrawal in three weeks. Last dose was about 11 hours ago and it was only about four consecutive days this time but I was up to 120 mgs so it's probably gonna hurt. I stocked up on Immodium & Clonidine and have some Xans left over although I hate them so hopefully that will be enough. I don't know how many more times I can go through this. I have spent the last three weeks high at work, not even pretending to do anything, staring at the screen with headphones on, pupils pinned, alternately manic and irritable. There's no way they don't know. I took my first ever day of LWOP Monday -- didn't realize I was out of PTO but so sick I just couldn't come in. Guess that's not an option this Monday so I will have to get through it. There's this kid at work, nice, young, trusting, just starting out in life with the world ahead of him and he just told me he's kicking a painkillers habit. I just want to push him out of the way of it like it's an oncoming car. If I weren't so afraid of telling anyone anything at this point I would tell him about the lives I've seen it destroy. Maybe it'll serve as an example when I finally just ######6 collapse. He came right out and told me about it too, confided it in me like it was nothing. I told him never to ever ever do that again, tell anyone something like that, ever.

I feel like all I around me I see people who are in pain and I want to be able to help them and I can't or I don't know how. Every time I try I ###$ up. I can't believe I acted like such a jerk when _______ told me he was in trouble with another girl. I was afraid I'd say something emotional and it would make him feel guilty or something and so just wanted to get off the phone. I am disappointed in myself; did not mean to act like I wouldn't be there for him or something. I hope he is okay. Maybe leaving town will actually help him. So many ghosts here, plus that one non-imaginary monster who's had claws in him since he was born. Maybe if he gets far away from her he can start to trust people a little more.

Right but everyone on here says focus on me. Focus on me. Okay. I am going to lose 6 pounds this week if I have to throw up every meal. Also I figure with withdrawal insomnia I can work through tonight to check in the last of the CS Portal automation so I can demo it Friday. I need to start learning a compiled language though or I can't even pretend to be an engineer. Maybe start with Lua so I can do more in-game stuff. That can be my Sunday. Plus I am gonna run for an hour today if it is the last thing I do. I am just utterly worthless right now but it's 'cause I've been lazy and weak and emotional. If I push myself hard the next 2 days maybe Monday I won't feel like such a complete useless failure -- that should be motivating!

Why are autumn evenings so beautiful and so lonely all at once? I am trying so hard to be strong and healthy and to take care of myself so that I can be a good person and kinder to the people around me but at the end of the day I look out at the inky blue dusk and I'm cold and lonely and I feel like nothing I did all day matters. Respice finem. Because what is the point of any of it: if I wrote some stupid program or made a couple of people across the aisle laugh. What does it matter? Nothing reaches me except what plays through my headphones. I am good at putting up a convincingly happy front tho' yes indeed.

People reached me but they are gone. Everyone I loved is gone. I have lost or driven away everyone. They mattered and now they are gone because I failed each of them one by one. J dead for two days in his grey chair before anyone found him. J who I let use and use and use without ever shaking him and saying No, you must stop. J who would pet my hair softly while I was asleep. D dead in a homeless shelter in Colorado, far from home. I bought him a bundle when he came to visit because I'm just such a good friend; three weeks later he was dead. S who I scared so badly - who'd never so much as held a woman's hand and then this piece of wreckage washed up at his doorstep. The doorstep of an apartment no one had been in except his mom.

I can't even talk about the last one. I miss him so badly it ######6 aches all the time like I can't even think of words for it. God damn it. God damn it. Do I just accept that he is gone for good? Is that the right thing to do, leave him alone? God I don't want to do that I want to call him every ######6 day but it feels so broken and I don't know if he hates me or wants to hear from me and I don't know what to do. I feel like he will never trust me again. I wish I had known but I didn't know. I just didn't know and I didn't understand and I tried to be a good friend to him but I didn't know how. And god damn it I loved him so much and it hurt so badly that he didn't feel the same for me. I wanted to be near him all the time and talk to him every day and fall asleep by him and play games with him and talk to him about music and the universe and documentaries we liked. I could talk to him for hours and it never stopped being interesting. I miss the sound of his voice. I listened to old voice mails he left today. I guess that's pretty sad but I don't care. I listen to music he gave me all the time. He is so good at music. I don't think he knows how good and when I try to tell him he doesn't believe me.

I don't know what to do. How did I manage to lose this person? I will never meet another like him.