I need to stop hanging out with scary people. Everything seemed fine today, but now im home and im paranoid. I think maybe the police will come after me, or a gang, or something like that. I really should just keep to myself and the people i know i can trust. I also need to work harder. I keep hearing voices telling me about all these warning signs. I dont know if they are real or not (the signs) I really need to keep an eye on myself though. I dont want to loose my job.

Im a very calm and calculated person most of the time. For some reason, things have been going well for me. Except the occational cutting. Ive been careful to keep them where they cant be seen.

I dont understand why Im doing this again. Its been so long since the last time. Why now?

I think I know. Ive felt lucky to have a job for about two years now. Except that it isnt working out anymore. Ive been here for seven years, and I dont make enough money to support myself. I want to get into a trade school and start a career. Thats where more issues come in.

I worry about handling the stress of work and school. The stress of a new job. The task of finding insurance. I stress about potential stress and its stressing me out.

Ive stopped doing drugs, and I only drink a little, so I must find a new self destructive outlet. One that I wont tell anyone about.

As long as I keep my secret, I will remain unhealthy. But with all the new stress, I must manage it. And pieces of flesh are a small price to pay for emotional stability.

At least it doesnt cost as much of coke or pills.

My appointment is today. Ill finally have someone to talk to. Not that I dont love all of you, its just that face to face is more meaningful to me. Maybe thats why I tell everyone Im fine when I really want to cut my hands off.

I wonder if someone could survive that without medical attention. I wont do it. It would put my family through too much. And friends.

I woke up this morning at about 5. Then I heard what sounded like a girl pulling a lolipop out of her mouth, coming from the foot of my bed. I could actually feel her presence. I got an image of what she looked like through the dark.

I turned the light on, and nothing was there, but I could still feel her. It freaked me out. If I really wanted to die, I wouldnt have moved. So I guess that says something powerful about me. But I cant help but wonder what I would have done if someone was actually there.

I dont know how to describe the way Im feeling. Im plagued by thoughts of self harm and others harm. Every time I see the young dog, I want to cut her. Skin her and make a rug. I would never. It would make my living situation very difficult.

But do you see what I mean? I have this combination of anger and self hatred, with just a dash of insecurity. I have a friend that wants me to be better. She always encourages me to do what Im supposed to and take my pills. I hate taking them. Its a daily reminder that I am not, nor will ever be normal.

Normal in the sense that I wont hallucinate and/or try to kill myself if Im not taking medications. I want to stop taking them, just to see if I can handle it. Ive done that before and I know how that story ends.

I feel like crying for the loss of my young adulthood. Unfortunately I cant. I dwell and think. I want to. The tears well up, then they dissapate and I feel numb. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have cried since age 4. It has always been the same.

I hate myself and I hate the world around me. I want to die and move on past this life. There are good things I would miss, though. The taste of oranges, convetsation with strangers, the calm that comes before sleep. The hazy morning light. It would be sad to go, but would also be a welcome relief.

I got an appointment with a T. I dont even know if I will like the guy. I still have to tell him stuff about my past. I hate this stuff. I guess its a way to get better. Ill be better after the appointment, hopefully.