I dont know how to describe the way Im feeling. Im plagued by thoughts of self harm and others harm. Every time I see the young dog, I want to cut her. Skin her and make a rug. I would never. It would make my living situation very difficult.

But do you see what I mean? I have this combination of anger and self hatred, with just a dash of insecurity. I have a friend that wants me to be better. She always encourages me to do what Im supposed to and take my pills. I hate taking them. Its a daily reminder that I am not, nor will ever be normal.

Normal in the sense that I wont hallucinate and/or try to kill myself if Im not taking medications. I want to stop taking them, just to see if I can handle it. Ive done that before and I know how that story ends.

I feel like crying for the loss of my young adulthood. Unfortunately I cant. I dwell and think. I want to. The tears well up, then they dissapate and I feel numb. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have cried since age 4. It has always been the same.

I hate myself and I hate the world around me. I want to die and move on past this life. There are good things I would miss, though. The taste of oranges, convetsation with strangers, the calm that comes before sleep. The hazy morning light. It would be sad to go, but would also be a welcome relief.