It's already almost June and we're getting ready to take a trip down south to my brother's graduation ceremony. We're leaving very early in the morning on Wednesday. There's no way I'm gonna get sufficient sleep. I can't remember the last time I was able to fall asleep earlier than midnight, it hardly makes a difference whether I go to bed at 8 PM or 1 AM, I don't get sleep until very late. And my dad says we should leave at 5 AM.

The weather is not preferable. There's a tropical storm down there that's not expected to phase out until it reaches Canada and 3 states are in a state of emergency because of it. The ceremony (I believe) is on Thursday though, so it should blow over by then.

I'm still thinking about the future all the time and it's nothing but scary. And dwelling on the past. It's hard to live in the present when the present is so empty. That must be the result of more than a decade worth of conditioning from an inability to want any interaction with people I'm not accustomed to. And what did I get for being a child with very low stress tolerance who fell over the limit all the time? Angry responses by the boat loads. Mostly from my parents and a lot of school faculty. They just saw me as a heinous problem child who needed to be yelled into submission. That kind of conditioning is an element of autism that nobody talks about, and its something I've only recently learned about that's got me hooked. Although, being "hooked" in this case is nothing more than thinking about it. I know of no way to utilize the understanding of what shaped me into this. As a kid I was absolutely confounded as to why my life was crumbling when I stopped fitting in and had problems with things as frivolous as saying my own name. Saying my own name is still problematic for me and that's still an unsolved mystery to me. I do have a better understanding of what happened to me, but that knowledge does me no good. It's like knowing what's wrong with a machine but having no clue how to fix it.

Everything that's not scary is still boring. I'm kind of looking forward to the excursion that will help make me feel that I exist, but the anticipation is also making me restless and I know I'm going right back to having nothing to look forward to a few days from now.