I didn't straighten things out with J. I thought I did several weeks ago. It still feels empty because, emotionally, I just don't get anything out of "I know that feeling," or "it's difficult, isn't it?" For months its been a repetitive process of trying to incite some kind of conversation with her and going silent for days because it doesn't feel real anymore. And I know that this fact is likely to tarnish any chance of me creating new friendship in the future.

There's a pivotal moment and formidable challenge I've been putting off for years. Yet it's been at the front of my mind the whole time, to. I just have to rehearse it. It's not related to J, it's something else.

Hmm.... this wouldn't be complete without an obligatory summary of my mentality in recent days. Today sucks, yesterday sucks, and every day sucks; I'm drowning in anxiety and I can hardly stand to even think about pulling myself out of it for.... no, ###$ that.