Today, we had our first significant snowfall. Had a few very light flurries that barely left a dusting before, but today we were blanketed with a couple of inches, enough to cover the grass completely. For some reason, I kind of like it. Mundane it may be, and I'm not really much more than indifferent to it, but I have this subtle liking of it. Wasn't all that excited about shoveling it, though. I shoveled the driveway out of my own accord at about 4:30 PM just because I knew it needed done. I actually didn't think anything of it until after I came inside. A few minutes passed, and then my back really started to hurt. It wasn't very bad while I was out there, but then it got sore, real sore. I don't know why I have back pain on a daily basis, I mean I know my posture tends to suck and I barely get out, but I just don't consider myself old enough for it to be typical.

Being as unmoving (in the mental sense) as I am, I have yet to stop thinking about K off and on all day long. And I'm not even trying. No, I actually don't find it toxic, I just feel ridiculous sometimes for relishing in the past over someone who most likely thinks, after as long as its been, that I don't think about her anymore. And in the great name of 'why,' it was so dumb to expect even the slightest feelings in return from her. I am positive that she took note of me in various places at various times, day by day, sitting there at a seat and doing nothing at all. Most days, I didn't even bother bringing my phone with me because I'd just get bored of it in 10 minutes, and probably spent a total of some 3 to 4 hours of the typical 7 hour school day preoccupied with nothing. Nothing at all. I spent more time fidgeting with things, and finding random new combinations to tap my fingers in than I could even imagine. And I'd never even had the opportunity to exchange a word to her. But what does it even matter anyway? Her rejection saved me from what would have been embarrassment from getting that lump in my throat and not being able to speak, and blushing like my face was on fire.

I am a failure. I just want everyone to know it because it's true. I'm living for no reason at all. It's still all I can say. All I do is just tell myself I need to change, and then do nothing about it. Why do I keep making myself promises I can't keep? It seems like one of the most senseless things a person could do. I don't have a clue what to do. For some reason, I'm in the mood to cut myself right about now. I don't why I do it, it doesn't even seem to bring any satisfaction or relief along with it, but I get the urge anyway. Whatever, I just wish I could completely distance myself from everything right now.