Dangerous & Dominating Alter

Hi,
I'm Ty and I'm new here, so I'm just gonna jump right in. I am rarely the on in full consciousness, even though I'm the host, and have never been the one talking directly to our therapist. I have severe trust issues, but some of the others feel comfortable with her. About a month ago, an alter, who usually stays on the inside, came out during a session and began to reek havoc on our lives. She talks very disrespectfully to people and is very self destructive. We were sent to a safe house for our protection from a lifestyle one of the other alters was partaking in. After 2 weeks, Teddi,the dangerous alter, left and brought us back to what was harmful. She cuts, drinks and does drugs, all of which I hate. At this point in time, it is her who is usually in charge and my therapist has all, but terminated our sessions. Teddi won't talk to her without being taunting and what happened last week is what is bothering me. My therapist spoke to us collectively (using my name and not addressing the alter that was causing the problem), and said so many things that were hurtful to more than just Teddi. She talked about my family giving me up to danger, she talked about my boyfriend raping me in the bathroom, and she talked about me being tortured sexually. I don't have the memories that go along with the things mentioned, but all hell broke loose on the inside. To the alters, our therapist is all they have and I think she let them down by throwing hurtful, but trusted information back at them. The Dangerous alter has now been writing, (which is how I know about the happenings in my life as of lately), about making us suffer and ending her pain. I don't know what to do. Please help me.

I'm so sorry that all of this has happened. Does he/she have experience treating DID? It doesn't sound like they do, maybe I'm understanding your post wrong. No matter how disrespectful one of your alters is your therapist shouldn't be sharing all that information with you all at once like that. If you go back to her/him you should probably talk about how that affected your system. I'm sorry this has happened and I hope you are feeling better soon.

Welcome to the forum. It's a friendly and helpful place, I hope you find the answers your looking for.
-Geoff

James9 wrote:I'm so sorry that all of this has happened. Does he/she have experience treating DID? It doesn't sound like they do,
-Geoff

I know that she is experienced in dealing with dissociative disorders, but I get the feeling that we may be her first case of DID; I'm not really sure. We have an appointment w/ her tomorrow and hope my shepherd alter will talk to her. I can't do it, but I usually am listening in.

First thing you should do is make safety plans ASAP. Carry hotline numbers with you, look for therapists that help walk-in cases/emergencies, start looking for a new therapist who can/will actually help you (or at least let your therapist know how they hurt you, even if you have to write an email/letter), get rid of/hide/lock away all sharp and dangerous objects and substances, and if you can and/or feel unsafe/unstable, check yourself into a place that can help you stay safe.

Secondly, are you sure you're the host? The host is usually the personality who's most "out" and "aware" of what's happening, they usually handle "everyday life" stuff. (Even so, it sounds like Teddi's forcefully taken over. Perhaps she was triggered by something?)

Thirdly, have you tried communicating with Teddi? Is Teddi aware of the DID and other alters, including you, or does she think she's the only one in this body? Have you tried either talking or writing to Teddi about how her behaviours are harmful to the body and the rest of you, and how she's not the only one in this body/mind, and how it's unfair of her to make decisions that have/may have permanent consequences? Have you tried asking her why she does these things? Have you tried letting her know that you only want to help her because you care about her? Have you tried letting her know that she's accepted, understood, and loved, and that you don't hate her or anything, you just want to learn how to work together with her and have more fairness since you all share this body/mind?


Here are some threads that might be helpful to both you and Teddi. Perhaps you can try leaving one or two up on your computer or something for her to read when she's out.
(These are all 1-2 pages, so they're not that long of a read).
How to gain control?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101946.html
Stopping Hurting Myself: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101170.html
How to create boundaries: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98867.html
Just dropping by/a question or two (discusses how to accept, communicate, and work with alters, mainly on the 2nd page- but 1st page is good reading too): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic102596.html


These may or may not be helpful to you, but I thought they'd at least be interesting to you:
Sick of this crap! (discusses frustrations of DID): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100787.html
Angry Protector alts (how to help alters express anger in healthy/safe ways): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97240.html


Most (if not all) of these threads came from this thread:
DDNOS/DID Resources: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html


Best of luck to you with this situation, I'm sorry it's such a tough time for you right now. Keep your safety as a first priority and do whatever it takes to stay safe.


~The Hawk

-- Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:37 pm --

I almost forgot, this thread might be somewhat helpful to you if you know/have any switching "warning signs/symptoms".

Anchors/Anti-triggers: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic75378.html


~The Hawk

tomboy24 wrote:Secondly, are you sure you're the host? The host is usually the personality who's most "out" and "aware" of what's happening, they usually handle "everyday life" stuff. (Even so, it sounds like Teddi's forcefully taken over. Perhaps she was triggered by something?)

Mayb I used the wrong word, "host".... Because I do have an alter, Reese, who is very mature and motherly. She takes care of everything, including my 3 yr old, but on the inside she trys to encourage me to come out and interact with him, so I'm not sure who the "host" is. I used to be out more, but in recent years, I haven't been. Things have been so bad since graduating high school (by the way, I just turned 23), things seem to get away from me more than they used to. That's when I really noticed there was a problem. people were constantly telling me about behavior that I wasn't aware of as well as when referring to me, using other names. What I can tell you is that I, the person writing this, is Ty, and I am the original owner of the body. As I said, I'm not out much, but when I am, it's very confusing and stressful and it's not long before I am watching myself go through life again through someone elses eyes.

tomboy24 wrote:Thirdly, have you tried communicating with Teddi? Is Teddi aware of the DID and other alters, including you, or does she think she's the only one in this body? Have you tried either talking or writing to Teddi about how her behaviours are harmful to the body and the rest of you, and how she's not the only one in this body/mind, and how it's unfair of her to make decisions that have/may have permanent consequences? Have you tried asking her why she does these things? Have you tried letting her know that you only want to help her because you care about her? Have you tried letting her know that she's accepted, understood, and loved, and that you don't hate her or anything, you just want to learn how to work together with her and have more fairness since you all share this body/mind?
~The Hawk

Yes,she is aware and like I said she stayed inside for the most part, only coming out once or twice before last month. I have tried starting a journal in order to communicate with the others, but Teddi is not cooperative. She feels like nobody is worthy of trust, especially the rest of us on the inside because, she feels, we cause her pain, so we all deserve to suffer. Thank you for the links and I will read them. Honestly, today has been the first day in very long time that I have been out. It feels kind of nice to be able to interact with my baby first hand.

It sounds like you may not be the host anymore, but you were before.

(By the way, there isn't really an "original" and there's no such thing as "splitting". DID is caused by trauma and the disruption of the personality developmental process. What this means is that we all start out with neurons. With normal personality development, these neurons will become structured over time, fitting/molding together, some will be kept, some will be gotten rid of, some will be changed around, until they eventually form a whole personality. With DID, the structuring process of the neurons was interrupted, and so the neurons did not fit/mold together or change, and they did not form a whole personality. Thus, the neurons end up staying separate, forming a personality with different "sides". These separated neurons are what later develop into/create alters. So there is no "original" because no "original" or whole personality ever developed).


Is there any way you can talk to Teddi about how she's not the only one hurting, and that you've all experienced trauma and are hurting? Can you ask her how others, such as yourself, are hurtful to her? Can you ask her to help you know how to not be hurtful to her, and ask if it's possible for you two to work together? Can you let her know that it might not seem fair that you all share the same mind/body, but the fact is you all do, and none of you will get anywhere if you keep trying to do your own thing? It's like the sandbox in kindergarten- you have to learn how to share and play nice. If someone doesn't share or play nice, no one has a good time. Communication and compromising are important, as well as the mindset "something is better than nothing". You all deserve to have rights and freedoms to a reasonable extent as long as they aren't abused (after all, this life is ALL of yours'). Can you explain that you're not asking her to trust you, but you're asking her to at least be civil towards you and hear you out? Can you explain that she doesn't have to trust you to work together with you?


You have a child? Teddi's behaviour does not sound safe at all for this child. And if you're worried about your own safety, how safe is your child? I'd be worried about how healthy of an environment this is for your child to be growing up in. (Not meaning to be offensive, and I'm not saying you're a bad mother or anything, because you certainly don't sound like one. I'm just voicing my concerns about this situation).


Would it be possible for you to ask another alter to help you with Teddi? Is there a way you can "hold back" Teddi if needed so that she doesn't switch out? In general, it's not a good idea to restrain alters, but safety comes first. Can you explain to her that if she keeps up with these unsafe behaviours, she will have to be restrained (if it's possible), or she might send you to a hospital or something? I don't imagine Teddi would like being in a hospital.

Again, best of luck with this.


~The Hawk

I just want to reiterate everythin' The Hawk be sayin'. He (she? sorry sweetie I don't be knowin') is makin' clear sense. You be needin' to ask these questions.

Thing I'm biggest on worryin' about is your child. If Teddi decides to be infilctin' pain on more than yourselves, especially a child, you be needin' a game plan. You be needin' to take a moment to come up with a plan you'll follow if Teddi starts lookin' like he's goin' to hurt someone other than yourself. You've got to protect the children both inside and outside you. That should be the biggest priority includin' the things The Hawk said.

- Michael

I totally understand what you're saying about my son. That is definitely one of my main concerns and I feel very guilty that I can't even do that right
I wish I would've gone ahead with adoption when I was considering it
YEA YOU SHOULDVE BUT YOUR SOOO WEAK AND YOU DIDNT... IM NOT LISTENIN TO NOTHIN SHE GOTTA SAY, SO YOU ALL CAN SAVE IT! HA
-TEDDI

I never said you couldn't do anything right. The fact that you are worried and that you are trying to seek help for yourself proves that you're doing plenty right. But if there is a risk of Teddi harming you to the point where you can't care for your son, or if there is a risk of Teddi harming your son, then that needs to be your first priority to resolve. That's all I was saying.


~The Hawk

TyMel23 wrote:YEA YOU SHOULDVE BUT YOUR SOOO WEAK AND YOU DIDNT... IM NOT LISTENIN TO NOTHIN SHE GOTTA SAY, SO YOU ALL CAN SAVE IT! HA
-TEDDI

She's not weak. She's strong to continue to raise her child even though she has to deal with your unsafe actions/decisions and your refusal to communicate.

-KAT

That was unnecessary and mean, Kat. I wish you'd let me delete it.

What? It's true. Blunt, but true. Besides, I didn't say anything bad about Teddi. It's Teddi's actions/decisions and stubbornness that's the problem, not Teddi herself. Teddi doesn't have to do this sh*t or refuse to talk. Yeah yeah yeah, there's probably reasons or whatever for it, but we all got our reasons, and we all got our problems. Doesn't mean it's ok to affect others with your bullsh*t, especially when you refuse to listen to anyone, do anything about it, or even show that you care at all. -KAT



Anyway, hello Teddi. I do agree that she's not weak at all. She's strong enough to have made it this far, she's strong enough to be raising her child, and she's strong enough to come on here and seek help. That doesn't seem weak to me.

How come you don't want to listen to her? She's a part of you, you know. You're only ignoring yourself and hurting yourself. Do you think you deserve to be hurt? Because by thinking the others deserve to be hurt, you're really thinking that YOU deserve to be hurt, since you are all parts of the same person (that's scientific fact, can't deny that).

How come you're doing the things you're doing? You're causing a lot of unnecessary stress and difficulties for the others that share your guys' mind/body. That's really unfair to them, and it's rather immature of you.

How come you think that they deserve to reap the consequences for your behaviours? Have the others wronged you in some way? I notice that it was mentioned that you think the others do nothing but cause you pain. How do they hurt you?

Since you're all sharing this body/mind/life, is there any possible way that you might be able to at least communicate with the others so that you can figure out ways of how to work together instead of causing each other pain? Again, you're only hurting yourself when you do that. You don't have to trust anyone to figure out ways to work with them, or at least not step on each other's toes. What is it that YOU want?

And no, you don't have to answer any of these questions if you don't want to obviously, but I'd appreciate it if you did. And no, it's not like I can do anything untrustworthy with any of the answers you give me, nor do I have any "plans" or anything for the answers, I'm simply just curious.


~The Hawk

LOL @ KAT... UR FUNNY!
I KNOW WHAT WE ARE & IM NOT LISTENIN CUZ NONE OF US DESERVE WHAT THEY WANT FOR US. THEY THINK BECAUSE SOME SHRINK SAID WE WERE CAPABLE OF BEING GREAT THAT WE ARE. THAT WOMAN DONT KNOW NOTHIN ABOUT US OR WHO WE ARE OR WHAT WEVE DONE.
YOU THINK IM BEIN IMMATURE BY CAUSIN "STRESS"??? WHERE WAS ANYBODY WHEN I WAS GOING THRU MY SH#@??? THEY PUT ME THERE AND WATCHED ME SUFFER, SO WHY IN HELL WOULD I NOT CAUSE THEM STRESS. F%*! THEM AND ANYBODY ELSE WHO HAS SOMETHIN TO SAY ABOUT IT. YOU AINT LIVED MY LIFE SO DONT JUDGE IT ( @ KAT).
I TALK TO THEM BUT THEY REFUSE TO LISTEN TO ME SO I WILL DO THE SAME TO THEM.