Sick of this crap

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here by posting. I just know that this is the only f***ing place I can rant about this stuff without being pegged as crazy or off my rocker.

****trigger warnings galore****


I am so tired of living with the day to day s***. In another post, I was a f***ing liar. I said that mood-wise I've been pretty good lately. Wrong. I'm lying to myself. Everyday sucks the life out of me. Every day I somehow convince myself that this feeling is temporary, and it'll pass soon enough, and my messed up sense of time and how foggy my memory is makes me think that it IS just temporary and that there IS hope, but really, right now, I just want to blow my brains out. I can't at the moment and wouldn't anyway, so don't worry about me.

I'm tired of the voices. I'm tired of being told a thousand different things by them, and waiting for them to come out and save me from this sad excuse of a life, but they don't. They just sit on the sidelines, offer me this false comfort. "It'll get better." "Just wait, just come back to your room, we can talk about this." Half the time, I can't even tell who's saying what or if they even freaking exist. Maybe I have DID or DDNOS, but the only thing I get out of it lately is my reflection telling me that I need to snap out of it or that its all gonna be okay or getting hit by them, getting threatened by them, etc.

I don't feel real. I feel like I'm just observing half the time, even though I know for a fact it isn't one of the alters/voices coming out or whatever. And maybe this is because my life is the same thing over and over and over again on repeat, but time is a blur. How long I perceive time to be changes, and it's almost always foggy looking back, even though I can usually job my memory after a couple of minutes.

When I'm mentally alone, I feel completely exposed to the world. Like I'm on my own, even though that makes no sense. But at the same time, I can't stand having them mentally there because it gets confusing so fast.

I feel pressured all the time to say the right thing and consider every action before I do it. say the right thing, confused 109. Think. Saying that might bring up a memory for someone else. Think before you act. Except it's not someone telling me, like one of the voices. It's me, my mind, non-stop, constantly making me think before I say even the simplest of things. "Oh, how does my face look? Do I look annoyed? Do they know I'm joking? I think I'll say hi to those people only if -fill in criteria here- (such as, if they're alone, if there's no surrounding group,)" Etc., etc. I can't even talk to people right, not even my own family. I'll start to say something, and be thinking about it, and I know I sound completely stupid. And then, some of the time, one of the voice/alters will be there and start pushing me to talk, and we'll fight over it mentally, and by then, some of the time at least, there's threats being made (from them).

And lastly, and there isn't anything anyone can do about it, but I'm getting this out too while I'm at it, there's my body. It's female, I'm not. And let's say I do have DID. I don't even know how long I've been here, if I'm the host and always have been, or what.

So there. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Sorry if it isn't coherent or doesn't make sense; I didn't edit this.

First of all, so much of what you say rings true for me. I've been on the verge of posting a thread with the exact same title countless times! Living with all this is TIRING; really exhausting. Constantly debating every little thing in your head, not 'allowed' to say some things, talk to those people, whatever. It's bound to lead to depression and exhaustion pretty much all the time. I don't feel like I'm living my life, I feel like I'm enduring it.

confused109 wrote:They just sit on the sidelines, offer me this false comfort. "It'll get better."

I have to hope that it CAN get better. Sometimes I honestly can't see how BUT it won't just 'get better' on it's own, it'll take work and the right help. You're definitely not crazy or off your rocker though (no matter how much it feels like that at times )

Oh Lord....for a minute there I had to take a second look at the user name on this post to make sure it wasn't one of us who wrote it! So it goes without saying that I know just how you feel. I've had a very hard past week and sometimes I just don't think I can take it anymore. It often seems that all of this is just too much for someone to bear. I don't believe in reincarnation, but if it is real, I must have been a real piece of s**t in my past life. Anyway, I truly do hope there are better days to come to you all. You know we're all here if you need us.

Thanks for the replies ya'll. Good to know I'm not bats*** crazy. I'm feeling much better today, btw. Some things that I've been waiting for finally clicked, and I the voices/alters backed off a bit. Thanks again.

I might not really know what's going on, but one thing I know is that nothing lasts forever, including bad stuff, tiring stuff, all that kind of stuff. So I'd listen to the voices 'cause they're most likely right- it will get better, you just gotta keep moving forward. Even crawling is progress (why do I feel like I've heard that before?).

I remember being 21. I remember TWO versions of being 21. Apparently, one is real and the other is like from an "inner world" or whatever. But now I'm 13. I've been here for like, last night and today. I dunno why. I was hoping "another me" or whatever would wake up but I guess not. And I'm already getting tired of this and I hate it. I get like, clear flashes or whatever where I know what's going on, I know what's real, all that stuff, and then the flash like ends and I don't know what's going on, I'm not sure what's real, and I'm confused out of my freaking mind again.

You know what kinda sucks I just realized? No matter what, like, no matter which version of my memories are true, either way, I've been gone for like, a long time. The last like clear memory that I have that I know is real is from like, the summer of 8th grade. That was like, back in 2005. And now the computer and everything says it's 2012! I haven't, like, lived the last 7 or whatever years of my life.
'Cause, the clear memories I have of being 21, they don't like up with what's going on like, right now. And I get flashes where I like, know they're not real and they're from an "inner world" or whatever. And the unclear memories I have of being 21 with fuzzy parts and gaps and stuff in them are the ones that match up with what's going on right now, and when the clear flashes happen or whatever, I know that they're real and from like, reality. But they're not mine! They're not my memories! That's why they're so like, fuzzy and blotchy and stuff. But my memories didn't really happen. That's why they don't line up with things and stuff. So like...I'm just sorta left with this big ol' question mark and some fuzzy memories that apparently really happened. Not exactly cool.

I used to hear voices. I remember hearing two, sometimes three. One was angry, and went by Kataki or whatever. The other two were like, the same voice, but one was like, apathetic and gothy, and the other was like, emo and more depressed. They both went by L.C., but I guess one goes by L.C. and the other goes by Luna now or whatever. I don't hear them now... So, if they're there, they're not really helping or anything... But then again, I barely know what's going on, so how can I expect to know how the inside works and the reasons the voices have for doing what they do?

I've been looking through this thread. Maybe it'll be helpful to you, too. It even has stuff on like people who are wondering if they have DID (haha, "did"- sorry, couldn't resist) or not. I'm reading stuff on like what DID is and stuff right now from a resource website that was in the thread. It has a lot of stuff, maybe you'll find something that helps you? Here it is: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html


I guess...if I'm outside or whatever now...when I was inside, I would've been like, a voice... Maybe try to understand that stuff isn't all sunshine and daises inside, either. I don't think it's easy being inside...I mean, look how lost I got, I lived a whole life of basically lies inside. I don't think voices are like always lifeguards or whatever watching over you and "saving you" from a bad life or anything like that. I think that's expecting a bit much of them. I think the voices are there to help you when they can, but they want you to go at your own pace and stuff like that. And who knows, maybe they can only help you when they're really needed or something, or maybe they're helping you more than you know but all their work is on the "inside" or whatever. Guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you should think about all the possibilities before you assume stuff about the voices. It's cool that some things finally clicked for you and stuff, though.

~Kyra (13 yr old)

Where I'm at now, I know things'll get better, but when those moods hit me, it's impossible or really freaking hard to look past it and feel better.

And ah, I read your other thread. Sounds really confusing. :/ I saw that other thread too, and I've been going through a few at a time to read it all.

Again, now that I've gotten myself out of the mood, I know that I have no idea what they've may or may not have to deal with, what they can or can't do for me, and so on. They're probably extremely p***ed, after all the things I said, but I'll deal with that when they tell me that they're mad.

Thanks for the reply

As one who's been stuck inside for a while before, not everyone can stand up for themselves or let it be known that they're mad even if they are. Like, right now? When I "fall asleep" and like, go back in, I can't do anything and it sucks. I can hear voices (can't always make out what they say, though), but no one seems to hear me, no one seems to see me, I can't find who the voices belong to even if I recognize the voice, they can't seem to find me, nothing. All that seems to work is like, puppeteering or whatever. Like, when I have a handle on what's real (like right now), I remember that I've acted through other voice/"other me's" before. Just, made their hands move, made them move, and say, and do, what I wanted. And I've felt the voices do that to me before, where I'm like, moving and doings stuff and I don't know why or even what I'm doing sometimes, and I don't know how I know what to do- well, that's me being a puppet.
Other than that, if I hear my name or hear me being talked about, all I can do is try to shout a response, but it hasn't seemed to work yet.

The little voice that I mainly remember, the one that's like, never out, ah ha! Names are in the signature, I forgot. Cassidy, that's the one. She can hear what the other voices say and stuff, but they can't seem to hear her. Like, she can hear them talking about her and she can hear it when they say stuff about her, but they don't seem to hear her when she tries to scream at them or say something back, and I know they don't hear her when/if she cries.

So, yeah... It kinda sucks when people wait for like, proof or whatever that you can hear them, or wait for a response back, 'cause sometimes, it doesn't work like that. Sometimes you can't respond back even though you try for whatever reason. I get that like, moods are hard to deal with and see through and stuff, but maybe just like, try to remind yourself of some of this stuff or something. (Don't mean to step on anyone's toes, just trying to shed light on like, the other side of the story).

Have you read any of the threads on communication in the DDNOS/DID Resource thread thing? Maybe those could help? 'Cause then you could share your feelings and thoughts and whatever with your voices, and maybe after a bit they'll start to reply or something. You could try asking them questions and stuff or like, writing to them, I think I read that writing can work. (I've been trying this stuff myself. I think that's why I've started to hear the voices more often, even if I can't always make out what they say).
I know I read somewhere that it helps to like, be calm and relaxed when you try to talk to the voices. Like, if you're frustrated or angry or demanding, no one's going to want to talk to you or "show themselves" or anything like that. Maybe try making yourself calm and relaxed? I also read that like, it can help to make yourself feel safe, like having stuffed animals or like, a security blanket around you, or like, wearing your favorite clothes, stuff like that. Maybe that could help?

Cool to know you've gotten out of that mood.

~Kyra (13 yr old)

This is how I sometimes feel, to a lesser degree. I really can understand the part about not being allowed to say things or to say things otherwise. I often get the feeling that when I talk to other people, I'm not really the one talking. Sometimes I can easily talk to people I really don't like, just as if I do like them. Without really controlling what I'm saying or doing. But always being able to force me to do something, so I still don't feel controlled. And sometimes I just want to do stuff, but there is a lot of 'noise' or something. Whatever it is, it is confusing. It makes me unable to make a choice. Or it makes me impossible to do things I know I should do. I listen to music I don't really like (at that moment). I eat things I don't really like. I can sometimes 'let' myself be controlled by something different.
Tomorrow, I awoke feeling like I had already been awake for a few hours. I have not slept enough tonight but still it were 8 hours. I have once 'awoke' in the middle of the night finding my nose bled - sitting upright in bed. I still don't know what exactly happened then.
I sometimes feel very stressed without reason. Or at random moments feeling like I am almost crying without feeling any emotion. What are they? What do they want? Why can't I just talk to them? Do they really exist?
Other moments I feel like there's noting going on - but still I feel like I'm being subtly influenced. And other times I'm being called an alter - I have a life right? I hardly know you. I thought I was just living my own life. Turns out I might have to share that with others.

I just wanted to post this somewhere. Sorry if I interrupted this thread.

@Kyra Crap. I feel really bad about a couple nights ago, after hearing your perspective. I mean, things maybe being that confusing or them possibly not being able to reply kind of puts it into perspective of how off my ideas about them are. And no, you aren't stepping on any toes at all. I needed to hear that.

I haven't read any of those threads yet, but that's what I'm about to do. As for communication, it can get kind of muddled, but I usually talk to at least one daily. As for writing, I'll sit down and write something, and then instantly feel stupid about it. Because, to my knowledge, I'm the only one who comes out, which is the main reason I'm still confused about this whole thing. But then again, if they came out completely (not just being co-conscious or whatever), I wouldn't remember it, now would I? So I should probably reconsider it.

@oaktree

oaktree wrote:This is how I sometimes feel, to a lesser degree. I really can understand the part about not being allowed to say things or to say things otherwise. I often get the feeling that when I talk to other people, I'm not really the one talking.

This. So much. And now I'm wondering if I've written it off too quickly as being dissociated/feeling "off", but still being me. Even now, as I type this, the voice/alter who's been with me all day seems like he's the one typing. Like he's just passing along the message. He agrees.

And nah, you didn't interrupt the thread. S'all good.

I can understand being tired of this. I don't hear voices, as the only communication I have right now is via my journal, but regardless I always feel like I haven't a clue as to what's going on anymore. I have to question everything, did I do this or how long have I actually been aware of stuff or how long was that black out?

This can get seriously frustrating. The only thing I can think of to do is get as much relaxation time in as possible.