Stopping Hurting Myself *trigger warning*

I need help. I'm depressed all the time and I know I'm worthless cause everyone up until now has told me so. I always cut or burn myself because I have to. I don't know why, it's just what I do. I feel all these bad feelings and it's how I get rid of them.

But Jo's husband made me promise not to do it. I really like him. He calls me beautiful and sweet and he hugs and kisses me to comfort me. I don't want to disapoint him but I don't know how to stop. He's not here right now and I want to cut so bad. I want to see my blood pour, it's the only way I feel better. Except I do feel better with him around, he says things that actually make me smile. And even when he was mad last night when I came out he made sure to tell me it wasn't because of me, but I was still afraid.

I just want to cut so badly. But I don't want to upset him and he did make me promise.

How do I stop? - Theresa

I just finished posting something in another thread that might be helpful to you, so I'm going to copy&paste if that's ok (it's kinda long to re-type it all). But just because I'm copying&pasting doesn't make it have less meaning or anything, ok? I want to help you, and I think this might do it.

**Possibly Triggering: mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Positive things: mentions of ways to cope with self-harming and suicidal thoughts**

L.C. and I used to be suicidal. I still am at times. We've tried a couple times, too. But after our last attempt, L.C. realized (and made me realize) how selfish suicide is, and not just because we're multiple. Suicide will always affect someone, whether it's someone you know, or a stranger involved in your suicide (like a doctor or a cop). Your last act will be a negative experience that at least one person will have to learn to cope with and deal with, and that's a selfish move. Sure, you're "free" because you're dead, but in order to get "free", you've affected someone else in a bad way, and that's not cool. So, L.C. and I made a promise to the others. The only way we will commit suicide is if we are certain it will affect no one at all (including family members, even if we don't like them). Since this is pretty much impossible, it looks like we're stuck staying alive. (Even in the darkest moments, just remind yourself of the promise you'd be breaking- I've found that to be quite effective, even with how apathetic I can get towards everything).

Oh yeah, L.C. and I used to cut, too. She doesn't seem to have many urges to do it anymore, but I still do. Usually, I self-harm myself "inside", so I'm not really self-harming the actual body. But I'm not perfect. Sometimes it still gets too much. Cassandra let me have a safety pin for emergencies, you know, like a last-ditch effort to help the want to self-harm or the suicidal thoughts. She said that if I have to harm myself, she'd rather have me do "scratches" with a safety pin instead of cuts with a knife (less harmful, more "safe", sh*t like that).

Try to focus on the here and now, what's actually happening, and remind yourself all the time that all that sh*t is in the past and not happening right now. Self-talk can help a lot. Consistent and constant reminders of what's in the past, what's happening now, the fact that you're ok, the fact that you're safe, self-encouragement (like telling yourself you can do this, you got this, etc), all that type of stuff can help you make it through the day. Maybe you could have someone else help you with the self-talk, like they could be the ones reminding you all that type of stuff? (I know Kat sometimes does it for Cassandra and us, and Rain sometimes does it, too. Dallas tries to help Damone by doing it as well).

Each day, make a list of positive stuff to remember or to look forward to. Like, maybe a list of 5 things. Stuff like "Today's sunny, that's kinda nice", or "Today I get to watch a movie I like", or "Today I get to eat my favorite food", stuff like that. It can even be something about someone else, like "Today Jo's husband said I was pretty", or "Today Jo has succeeded at this and that was cool". Or it can be something about the day itself, like the weather. Just a small list of things to remind yourself that there are positives about the day, you know? And then carry it with you so you can look at it when you're feeling down and remind yourself of the positive sh*t. You could also help yourself by making a list of things you like about yourself (or that people have liked about you/positive stuff they've said about you), or including them in the list of other positive sh*t.

Another thing that helps is expressing yourself, your feelings, and thoughts. Sometimes, it can help to just get it out of your system in some way. Here's the stuff L.C. and I do when we're feeling depressed, suicidal, and want to self-harm:
-- Smoking marijuana (but we know it's not for everyone and/or not possible for everyone) (For you, I guess it'd be better to have a couple beers or something).
-- Listen to music that we identify with/that matches our emotions/thoughts
-- Sing/scream/yell along with music we identify with
-- Lip-sync/whisper-sing/whisper-scream along with music we identify with (surprisingly effective)
-- Write/type what we're feeling, thinking, what we wish we could do, etc. (sometimes, it helps just to "say" it and get it out of your system. I mainly write poetry to express my emotions and stuff)
-- Draw what we wish we could do (self-harm stuff, suicide stuff, etc)
-- Draw stuff that expressedsour emotions (designs, pictures, scribbles, doodles, anything that we think expresses what we're feeling)
-- Draw "cuts" on our arms in washable marker
-- Wearing a rubber band around our wrist and snapping it (surprisingly effective)
-- Write out a suicide note (but don't actually commit suicide. Don't do this if you think it'll make your desire to worse. For us, it helps to put it in perspective, because we make ourselves say personal goodbyes to everyone the body knows, and so we end up realizing how many people we'd effect, even if we don't like them ourselves. Realizing the fact that'd we'd negatively effect anyone helps us to not want to commit suicide).
-- Smoking cigarettes (not recommended if you don't already smoke!)
-- Watching a dark movie with a good ending (we identify with the dark parts, and then the good ending reminds us that good endings are possible) (Don't do this if you think it'll make your mood worse, though).
-- Reminding ourselves of our promise not to commit suicide, reminding ourselves of the consequences of that (such as taking everyone else with us), and reminding ourselves that it's a rather selfish thing anyway
-- Distraction tactics: Listening to positive music (not necessarily happy or upbeat, but music about not giving up and stuff); Listening to happy music; Listening to calming/relaxing music; Watching a funny movie or comedy stuff; Forcing ourselves to do something like going for a walk or hanging out with friends of the body that we don't mind (sometimes just getting outside can help); "Deciding" that we're not going to be down- Like, deciding to have a fun movie night with our favorite dinner and dessert, or deciding to sing along with happy music, stuff like that; "Spoiling" ourselves- like, by eating comfort foods (not too much), or using extra cash to buy something we want (like a new but cheap hoodie), stuff like that; Doing something we enjoy and can super-focus on, like drawing tattoo designs, or writing out story/book ideas we have, or reading comic books like Calvin and Hobbes, stuff like that.
-- "Scratching" ourselves with a CLEAN safety pin (last-ditch effort, emergencies only)
-- Calling crisis hotlines, or a friend of the body that we trust and know will talk to us/help (even just texting them can help- being heard and listened to, even though text, can help a lot).


Remember, just take one day at a time. Eventually with time, the days will get easier, and better. No storm lasts forever, you just have to hold on long enough to see the sun break through the clouds again.

L.C. and I have a saying that helps us: "Life is like a painting canvas. Whether it's clean, stained, or already has something painted on it, there's nothing you can't paint over with your own choices. Nothing can stop you from turning the canvas given to you into your own work of art."

~Luna

Those are some good ideas. Right now I've been mostly just chain smoking. I wish I had beer but Jo's husband got mad when he found out Michael drank during the day so I don't want him upset at me too. But I'll give some of those things a shot. I've got to try something.

*trigger warning - verbal abuse*
I'm just so tired of repeating all the horrible things people have said to me over the years. I've never come out to kind words until now. It's like the only reason I'm here is to hear how I'm ugly or stupid or worthless or not perfect enough or how I'll never amount to anything or how two different mothers didn't really want me. That's the tame stuff. I kinda remember worse things, things said with so much anger and hatred. People telling me to kill myself over and over again. And more... I don't understand why I always have to be the one to hear all of that.

Amelia's always telling me to "shut the f%ck up" because she had it worse. And yeah I know, it always started with me and then Amelia would come forward to take what happened next, but that doesn't mean my life was so much better. It's hard to deal with, especially with her criticizing me. It makes me wish I wasn't here at all, wish that Jo could have just dealt with all of it. Is that selfish of me? - Theresa

wronglesson wrote:Is that selfish of me? - Theresa

No. I'd say more, but I can't (time restraints). Just know that it's not selfish of you. ~Luna

My understanding of part of why someone cuts is (not to minimize this by summing it up by any means!0 but 1) control... pain has occurred to you and your system that you could not control, but cutting you control your own pain 2) because you are in control - you can make it STOP because it may not even be the pain that you want...but the fact that you can STOP it... and 3) pain releases endorphins so there is a chemical reaction payoff... 4) to feel grounded. Especially as as someone who can dissassociate... it can be hard to remember you're alive...you're here...etc... the pain can sometimes be this grounding thing....keep you 'real'....

This is NOT to promote cutting/self-harm but to try to understand WHY it is an urge in the first place.

The other big 'a-ha' moment came when my son and I were discussing his own urges. The short story is: If he could withstand the physical pain..become numb to it...increase it and still maintain control and become stronger physically...maybe he would become strong emotionally..maybe the emotional stuff wouldn't hurt so much.

Sweetie (I hope that is ok to use!) I ache for you....I just want to wrap you up with warm safe hugs and tell you how wonderful you are. What you went through (the verbal abuse....) is Significant. It is not less than or more than what anyone else went through. My T explained it to me "When someone comes to me with grief over a lost pet..it is just as important as someone who comes to me over grief over a lost spouse... it is OUR grief to get through" It is individual.

One thing that might help with Jo's husband telling you you are beautiful and sweet - is to accept that he is being honest. See...those people who said bad things to you - what are they worth? What type of people are they? Would you want to model yourself after them? Do you respect them? If you said no....you wouldn't want to be like them or you don't trust or respect them - then don't let their words carry any more weight! Jo's husband and people on these boards who care for you - whom you can care about and you can trust (when they show you again and again where their hearts are) it is THEIR words that should matter to you.

I guess what I"m saying is - if you will let one other person's words be your truth...then let ours be your NEW truth. You are important and compassionate and strong and lovely.... Your mind might say "I wasn't as strong as so-n-so" but you were stronger than some, right? You took what someone else couldn't...and you cannot compare yourself to others...or where they've been or currently are. YOU are special! Because I say so. :p And I'm way cooler than any @____! that ever hurt you, right? *safe hugs if wanted*

Thank you. So far Jo's husband hasn't lied to me but I do wait for it to happen. But he's so nice I guess I really should believe him. It's hard to do though, I guess I just have to work on it.

I never really viewed myself as strong. I always thought strong people fought back, but I never could. I've always been too scared.

Thank you for your nice words. I'm trying, I really am. I want *trigger warning* to cut but I've kept from doing it today *end*.

wronglesson wrote:*trigger warning - verbal abuse*
I'm just so tired of repeating all the horrible things people have said to me over the years. I've never come out to kind words until now. It's like the only reason I'm here is to hear how I'm ugly or stupid or worthless or not perfect enough or how I'll never amount to anything or how two different mothers didn't really want me. That's the tame stuff. I kinda remember worse things, things said with so much anger and hatred. People telling me to kill myself over and over again. And more... I don't understand why I always have to be the one to hear all of that.

I understand... I've had my fair share of that type of sh*t.

**Trigger warning: mentions of sexual stuff and rape**

There were times where I felt like my only purpose was to come out and be used by guys. Like, that was all I was good for. To sit there and freeze and turn on my "apathetic" switch and just take it. I never understood why I had to be the one to do it. Why life chose me to be the one to experience all that sh*t. Sometimes, I still wonder why...

*End Trigger Warning**

...But something Kat said to me one time, when she was a bit tipsy (she gets honest and reminiscey and more open when she's not sober), that helped it to make sense to me.
She said, "We all got our roles to play. And we're in those roles because we can handle it best. Even if we don't seem to handle it well, we handle it better than anyone else could have. All parts are important, but parts like you and me, Luna, we're kinda heroes- I'm not sayin' that makes us more important or any sh*t like that, though. But the others know that without us, they'd be dealing with our sh*t on top of their sh*t, and it wouldn't be pretty. The others know that we basically save them from this sh*t. Even though they wish we didn't have to be the ones to hold this sh*t, even though they wish they could fix it for us, even though they wish that things didn't have to be this way, they're grateful for us, they appreciate us. We all got our burdens to bear, even singletons. The only difference with us, is that we all got different burdens to bear in the same person. So instead of having a lot of different burdens, we all get sorta specific burdens."
I don't know if that's helpful at all, but to me, it sorta helped things to make a bit more sense and helped to put my own burdens in perspective.

wronglesson wrote:Amelia's always telling me to "shut the f%ck up" because she had it worse. And yeah I know, it always started with me and then Amelia would come forward to take what happened next, but that doesn't mean my life was so much better. It's hard to deal with, especially with her criticizing me. It makes me wish I wasn't here at all, wish that Jo could have just dealt with all of it. Is that selfish of me? - Theresa

Amelia sounds a lot like Kat used to be (and still is, sometimes).

Kat used to ride a pretty high horse and tell us all to "stop sniveling" because she could "beat us all in spades" with the sh*t she's gone through. But then she realized something one day. She realized that everyone experiences different sh*t, everyone has different tolerances to sh*t, and everyone's life is different, so people, their reactions, their tolerance, and how they cope with sh*t is of course going to be different as well. (Doesn't matter if your a singleton or multiple. Alters have different experiences and thus different tolerances and sh*t as well. Put Cassie through what I've gone through and she'd be...well, probably literally broken). Just because someone has been through different experiences than someone else and can handle different stuff, doesn't mean they're "better" than that person; it doesn't mean they have any more right to rant than that person; it doesn't mean they're "stronger" than that person; all it means is that their tolerances for sh*t are different.

For example: One person might be able to say, witness a bad car crash and be unfazed by it because they've "been through worse". Another person that witnessed the same bad crash might have nightmares, flashbacks even, and they might experience anxiety while driving afterwards, stuff like that, because they haven't "been through worse" before. To them, they just had one of their worst experiences ever, so of course they're going to be affected by it. That doesn't mean their weak, or weaker than the unaffected person. Because if the affected person had been through what the unaffected person had been through, they'd probably be unaffected as well. But because they haven't been through the same stuff, the affected person's reaction is going to be different.

Kat realized this, though she still has problems with the whole "you don't have a right to b*tch, I do" thing sometimes, but she's gotten a lot better. Hopefully, one day Amelia can realize this like Kat did. Until then, I'd just try to ignore her criticisms (I know it can be hard to do that), or reply with something like "You may have been through worse sh*t, but I haven't. To me, this is the worst I've been through, and I have a right to feel the way I do about it". Either way, try to not let her get to you, and remember two things: 1) You have every right to rant about stuff just as much as Amelia, and 2) Amelia's not so different from you. You've both been through rough sh*t. The main difference is that she masks everything with anger, and you let your sadness and stuff show.

Also, if Jo had been able to deal with it herself, she would have. But she couldn't. She needed you guys, all of you guys, and still needs you. She needed you to survive. The next time you feel worthless, remember that: Jo NEEDED YOU to survive. Without you, without any of you guys, she wouldn't have survived or be living as well as she is right now. (Might not seem like she's living well at times, but compared to how bad things could've been, she is doing well. You all are).

I don't know if I was helpful at all, but I hope I was.

~Luna

Hi Theresa,

I haven't read everyone else's comments here, so I'm sorry if I'm doubling up on saying something that already got said. I can't read too much about self harm or it triggers us.

I just thought I'd suggest you also have a look through the Cutting and Self Injury Forum here: cutting-self-injury/
I know that they also talk a lot there about safe alternatives and stuff, so that might help you a bit with the urges you are feeling.

In relation to the DID aspect of what you are talking about, if your role has always been to come out and take the verbal abuse and stuff, maybe now that you are in a safer environment you can decide on a new role that you would like to take in the system? I'm sure you could think of something interesting and productive that you could do that could be your new role, now that you know that when you come out people will be nicer to you than they have been in the past?

In relation to the DID aspect of what you are talking about, if your role has always been to come out and take the verbal abuse and stuff, maybe now that you are in a safer environment you can decide on a new role that you would like to take in the system? I'm sure you could think of something interesting and productive that you could do that could be your new role, now that you know that when you come out people will be nicer to you than they have been in the past?

trigger warning...

can you do this? i always come out when people say bad things or are very very sad or are very bad to us and i don't like it cause it scares me lots. i want to be out when there are happy people. i haven't been with happy people since i was co-host when the body was 5-7 years after that my new job was just meet sad and bad and scary peoples. how do you get a new job? maybe i can get one too i'm sorry if i'm saying something wrong someplace wrong..

L.C. and I don't really have a specific role anymore. (Well, besides the obvious ones like the memories/emotions we still hold and stuff).

I think if we have a role, it's to use our apathy to help others not care about sh*t when they shouldn't. Like, if Cassandra's feeling anxious about something, we use our apathy to help her not worry/care as much, so she's less anxious. Or if Kat's getting irritated with someone, we use our apathy to help her ignore the person instead of starting a fight or something.

Mostly though, I think we're role-less. And that's not bad. We just help when we're needed, kinda like on-call people with work, you know? (Though we don't always care or want to help, we do, no matter how reluctantly). Like, if Rain needs us to watch Lynn for whatever reasons, we will, and that's helping on the inside. Or if we're needed outside, like to not care about something (for example: not caring about being brutally honest with someone who needs it), we'll show up and help. Otherwise, L.C. and I just chill in our room inside and listen to music, draw, smoke (both pot and cigs), and sh*t like that, unless we want to be out. It's kinda like, our new "role" is to just chill and be ourselves, and help out when we're called. Maybe both you guys (Lifelongthing and Theresa) can do/have something similar?

We still get triggered out at times like we used to be, but nothing's perfect. And I'd rather be able to be mostly role-less with sometimes getting triggered, then getting triggered all the time like we used to be. (Hope that made sense). To help out with that, Kat started keeping an eye on us when a situation seems like it might be triggering to us, and then when we're triggered out, she'll try to help us, like by using her angry-protector-powers to force her way out and have whatever/whoever's triggering us deal with her instead of us (and I wouldn't want to deal with her when she's angry OR protective). So maybe you guys could ask a protective alter to help you? Or maybe even have a caretaker alter help you to remain calm enough to at least not be triggered out? Or not be alone when you're triggered out?

~Luna