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Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

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Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby JoshSnow » Mon Jul 08, 2013 11:25 am

Hi everyone,

I am finding it very hard to deal with the fact that my girlfriend of eight months has slept with over 50 men. Sorry this is a long message, but I really don’t know what to do.

I am 31, and since 19 have been in two long-term relationships (one for six years, one four – the latter an engagement that ended two years ago).

My girlfriend is 30, and has been single since she was 21 (barring a few very brief relationships). In this time she told me she has slept with over 50 men, but she says has lost count. She brought this up when discussing STDs (She is clear of any - she works in a sensitive area of healthcare and is has had herself tested since we’ve been dating).

Although our sex life is very good, adventurous and fun most of the time, I feel like sometimes we don’t have the kind of connection I had with my two ex-girlfriends (who had similar attitudes to sex as me). I know that’s largely down to my perception of this issue. I want to work on getting this connection, but if I am number 50-something, how can sex mean to her what it means to me?

During the 18 months I was last single I had many opportunities to sleep with girls. I did have a one night stand (to see what I’d been missing for a decade more than anything!), but although the sex was good I found it to be quite an empty feeling afterwards, and one I didn’t really have much desire to experience again.

My girlfriend says she was eager for a relationship during her single years – and so slept with a lot of guys for this reason. She says that being lonely made her seek sex, either with friends or guys she only just met, be it out at bars or online. She often would go to parties and go home with a guy she’d just met – and sometimes would go home with a different guy the following night.

I know 50 isn’t loads over the course of eight years being single if you look at it as six a year.

I want to reiterate that I know this is MY issue, and not hers. I do not in any way want her to feel bad about this, nor should she. As I told her: they were choices she made in her past, and she would not be where she is today without making them. I care a lot about her – we have much in common and a lot of similar thoughts about the future. I also trust her completely – that is not a problem at all.

I just find it hard sometimes when I look at her when we are together and think that over 50 men have been inside her. I don’t mean to sound prudish, because I am not, and this is not what I am finding so tough. It is not me having double standards, because I didn’t choose to be that way myself.

I suppose part of the feeling is a bit of sadness. I care about this girl, and want things to work. But I worry that sex can never be the special part of our relationship that it has always been for me.

Part of me really wants this to work out, but another part worries I will not be able to deal with this difference between us. She deserves to be with someone who is accepting of this issue – I hope that person is me, but I am struggling right now.

I really appreciate you reading this, and would really welcome all responses while I try to sort my head out over this. I know some will take offense about my position, but I can’t help how I’m feeling and don’t want to end this relationship over it. It's why I am writing this on here. To see if there’s advice and thoughts from others that can help me get over it.

Thank you,

Josh.
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Re: Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby Kabuhi » Mon Jul 08, 2013 6:28 pm

JoshSnow wrote:I want to work on getting this connection, but if I am number 50-something, how can sex mean to her what it means to me?


Short answer is, it doesn't.

JoshSnow wrote:She deserves to be with someone who is accepting of this issue – I hope that person is me, but I am struggling right now.


.... :|

JoshSnow, the problem with women who sleep around with a lot of men besides STDs is that there is a greater perceived risk of infidelity on her part. That's the greater issue with promiscuous women and also with promiscuous men. Now if you don't care your partner cheats, then all is well and good. It's not wrong to not want to be in a relationship with a woman on the basis that you don't trust her though.

JoshSnow wrote:My girlfriend says she was eager for a relationship during her single years – and so slept with a lot of guys for this reason. She says that being lonely made her seek sex, either with friends or guys she only just met, be it out at bars or online. She often would go to parties and go home with a guy she’d just met – and sometimes would go home with a different guy the following night.


So why didn't she get a boyfriend if she was lonely? Is she telling you that none of the guys that she knew would have been open to a relationship with her? Something doesn't add up here.

The question that immediately comes to mind is how many of these were FWB arrangements where she would sleep with these guys multiple times, maintain contact with them, and then they both slept with other people on the side?
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Re: Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby 50Men » Thu Nov 17, 2016 10:03 pm

I know it's been over 3 years, but I've came across your post. I'm a woman of age 23. I've slept with approximately 50 guys since the age of 15. (Yes, I've lost count.) I don't feel that the previous response is positive.

But anyway. [Sigh] I really don't even know where to start. If you start with virginity, it could have been gone in many different ways e.g., peer pressure from friends, rape, an actual feeling of love. It could've ended in unexpected horror for her.

But she never lost love if she has finally decided to be in a relationship with you. Believe that. She may have had so much sex because she wanted to feel loved but wasn't shown how to properly get it. She can be loyal. She probably showed a good number of those guys that she was more than just a piece of vagina, but that's all THEY wanted. That's not all she wanted. That's just all she got.

She probably treated every single one of those guys with respect, care, generosity, all of those things only a real, lifelong partner deserves. Guess what though? No one told her that.

[Sigh] I'm just speaking from my perspective. Most of my sex that was for thrills was after my heart was broken by the guy I was currently giving my all to. So, I just did what I wanted with who I wanted. Just for fun. After the heartbreak was over though, I crrrrraaaaavvvveeeddd a long-lasting, true, you give me you-I give it all back, kind of love. & I had the ability to give it, too. It's just that no one would accept it. I wasn't taught to wait. I wasn't taught anything about sex really. Just doing it.

But now that I've found a love again & told him about my 50 guys, he's in the same position as you. I still gave him all of me WITH NO ONE ELSE IN MY HEART, MIND, OR BODY. ***PERIOD.*** He couldn't handle it though. Swore he wanted to be with me. Swore I was the one. But even though he never told me, I really don't think that he could handle my past sex life. Why? I may never truly understand. Because I know that I have a heart that beats with selflessness, care, generosity, truth & many more admirable values.

I just ###$ a lot.
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Re: Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby Snaga » Fri Nov 18, 2016 8:25 am

It's a mistake to assume promiscuity when not in a relationship, means no fidelity when in one.
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Re: Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby ridingthewtfbus » Mon Nov 21, 2016 6:04 pm

.
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Nov 21, 2016 6:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: unhelpful
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Re: Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby redrob » Mon Dec 12, 2016 1:48 am

JoshSnow wrote:
but if I am number 50-something, how can sex mean to her what it means to me?


It does not matter how many men she has slept with, I don't imagine your gf sits around thinking gee the 34th guy I was with was so much better. Because of her reasons for using sex as a way of dealing with loneliness. Also as a young woman it is very easy to confuse love and sex, many women crave the affection. Others just might be comfortable and confident in having sex with whomever they want and that is her perogative.

50 is not a large amount in a lifetime. And she told you the truth. She is not trying to hide it nor is she ashamed, so why should you be? This is the same beautiful woman you met. Nothing changes,

JoshSnow wrote:I just find it hard sometimes when I look at her when we are together and think that over 50 men have been inside her.


Josh. 'been inside her''? This is the woman you love you are speaking of, not a used car with too many kilometres or a drum kit with a busted snare drum. Your girlfriend is not a possession.

She had a life before you and she's had sexual encounters with 50 men and has chosen YOU over those 50 and the many more that would like to get funky with her.

You are making this bigger and badder in your mind than it is. I am sure that your gf would have encounters she would have forgotten as they were so meaningless. I know what it's like, I do it too. Don't imagine some sort of porn and don't waste your mindspace thinking about her past. She is not wasting her mindspace, so why should you?

Be grateful that she is honest. Be grateful that she has learnt a thing or two along the way, be grateful that she has experienced it and isn't going to leave because she needs to explore.

Most of all, be grateful that she lets you make love to her. She may have had sex many times, but remember that you make love.
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Re: Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby ridingthewtfbus » Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:24 pm

JoshSnow wrote:I want to work on getting this connection, but if I am number 50-something, how can sex mean to her what it means to me?


Look at it this way, how many times have you eaten pizza? Were the last few times you ate pizza any worse than the first hundred times?

*mod edit*
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Re: Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby aten » Wed Dec 14, 2016 5:52 pm

Snaga wrote:It's a mistake to assume promiscuity when not in a relationship, means no fidelity when in one.


and your conclusion is based on what exactly, if you don't mind me asking?

Because I have my own personal experience: I was in relationship with a wonderful woman and she loved me unconditionally, for couple of years while I was still her first and only one. Then we were apart for some time, and the agreement was that each of us can do whatever makes us happy, and when we are back together we will see if the feelings are still there.

She is very cheerful person, nice to everyone and maintained an opinion that everything can be forgiven and you can be friends with people no matter what... Basically, we reunited, but I have soon learned that the bar for her is way lower than for me...
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Re: Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby Snaga » Wed Dec 14, 2016 7:23 pm

My conclusion is based on personally knowing people, with no compunctions on sleeping around when unattached, to being fiercely loyal and monogamous, when attached. Because when they're attached, they're attached, and that's how they roll.
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Re: Girlfriend has slept with over 50 men.

Postby xdude » Thu Dec 15, 2016 11:53 am

Hey JoshSnow,

My 2 cents -

First, it's admirable that you are being honest with yourself how you feel.

Second, we feel what we feel. It is what it is, and while intellect can steer our emotions to a degree, our core emotions simply are what they are. They may change in time, or they may not, but that honesty with yourself about how you really feel is key.

Third, when it comes to sex, for many, it's normal enough that sex stirs primal emotions in us. Our intellectual view is one thing, but how we feel about it is another. You're not alone in having primal emotions when it comes to sex either. If it wasn't this, it could be something else, but our primal emotions run deeper than our intellectual side.

So really what is important then is can you get past this? If not, it's going to interfere with your relationship. Note though I am not suggesting you should/must get past this either. That part is up to you. What I am suggesting is continue to be honest with yourself. It's the essential starting point. The hard part will be figuring out if this is something you can move past, or if not, honest enough to face it.
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