Hi everyone,
I am finding it very hard to deal with the fact that my girlfriend of eight months has slept with over 50 men. Sorry this is a long message, but I really don’t know what to do.
I am 31, and since 19 have been in two long-term relationships (one for six years, one four – the latter an engagement that ended two years ago).
My girlfriend is 30, and has been single since she was 21 (barring a few very brief relationships). In this time she told me she has slept with over 50 men, but she says has lost count. She brought this up when discussing STDs (She is clear of any - she works in a sensitive area of healthcare and is has had herself tested since we’ve been dating).
Although our sex life is very good, adventurous and fun most of the time, I feel like sometimes we don’t have the kind of connection I had with my two ex-girlfriends (who had similar attitudes to sex as me). I know that’s largely down to my perception of this issue. I want to work on getting this connection, but if I am number 50-something, how can sex mean to her what it means to me?
During the 18 months I was last single I had many opportunities to sleep with girls. I did have a one night stand (to see what I’d been missing for a decade more than anything!), but although the sex was good I found it to be quite an empty feeling afterwards, and one I didn’t really have much desire to experience again.
My girlfriend says she was eager for a relationship during her single years – and so slept with a lot of guys for this reason. She says that being lonely made her seek sex, either with friends or guys she only just met, be it out at bars or online. She often would go to parties and go home with a guy she’d just met – and sometimes would go home with a different guy the following night.
I know 50 isn’t loads over the course of eight years being single if you look at it as six a year.
I want to reiterate that I know this is MY issue, and not hers. I do not in any way want her to feel bad about this, nor should she. As I told her: they were choices she made in her past, and she would not be where she is today without making them. I care a lot about her – we have much in common and a lot of similar thoughts about the future. I also trust her completely – that is not a problem at all.
I just find it hard sometimes when I look at her when we are together and think that over 50 men have been inside her. I don’t mean to sound prudish, because I am not, and this is not what I am finding so tough. It is not me having double standards, because I didn’t choose to be that way myself.
I suppose part of the feeling is a bit of sadness. I care about this girl, and want things to work. But I worry that sex can never be the special part of our relationship that it has always been for me.
Part of me really wants this to work out, but another part worries I will not be able to deal with this difference between us. She deserves to be with someone who is accepting of this issue – I hope that person is me, but I am struggling right now.
I really appreciate you reading this, and would really welcome all responses while I try to sort my head out over this. I know some will take offense about my position, but I can’t help how I’m feeling and don’t want to end this relationship over it. It's why I am writing this on here. To see if there’s advice and thoughts from others that can help me get over it.
Thank you,
Josh.