I believe in you

I believe in HPDs. From what I see lurking here there has been a great increase in positive posts/feelings to them and I wanted to add to that beauty.

I recently tossed out the last mementos from time spent with my HPD. My wounds are healed. I have NO ill will towards her. She is out of my life 100% now. I do not think we will ever cross paths again -- no need, to be honest. She can give me no more closure than I have found in myself.

I had a very vivid dream last week where I saw her and she had 'healed' in some sense. She had become a mature responsible young adult who was helping others. Volunteering and teaching. It was like the bad darkness she once had had faded away, melted, and she was anew made only of her good parts from prior.

She asked me to help them with her.

It was lovely because I have not seen her or talked to her for quite some time. It felt like she was in my life, only positively in the best way, for a brief few moments. The true goodness I saw deep in her and that I KNOW was there when she was in my life surfaced so brilliant like a star. She was a beautiful ray of light. A ray of hope, goodness and love to those near. A ray of warmth she had been denied in her life.

God I really loved her.

I wonder if in the future I will ever discuss her. With who and for what reason? I have no need to ever talk about it. And to be honest I can let it sit where it is. Rehash it in the future? Why the need.

I thought it would be much more difficult than it was (getting rid of the last bits).

I kept the last few items for a long time. Small things. The last few tokens of our last days spent together. I mean very small things that I was extremely attentive to. I wish so bad I could have held onto her - that love and vulnerability that she brought forth in me. It was not because she was HPD -- it was because it was her. HPD was just a side of who she was to me, not the whole. She made me vulnerable. Not HPD. Not power. Not games. Not the sickness she developed as being part of our (at times) ###$ up world.

Before I destroyed the photos on garbage day I looked at them and saw a different person. Gone was the girl I fell in love with. The girl I had a rollercoaster of emotions with. The girl I loved then hated (repeated many times). The girl I would have devoted my life to. I simply saw a person. Neither good or bad. Just a person. A total detachment. And it is only now that I believe I am done with her.

It can take eons to get to this point. Ages to finally get here. And you never know when you will arrive. You just want the pain and wounds to end. But they do.

As unbelievable as this sounds, TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. I wish I could offer you a more personalized expression, or something that could lift away your pain. I do. I really do. Because words seem so fruitless. Actions are where it counts in life. We are not our hopes dreams or emotions, but our actions and only that.

During my healing I never WANTED to get to this day -- the day of disconnect. The day where I let her go. I FOUGHT this very moment. I held on like a baby animal at the mothers tit. I had strong codependency issues and looked to others for my own sense of validation and direction; things I now define boldly on my own.

They (HPD) are not demons. They are hurt people first and foremost. For the longest time I held great anger towards them (I have known a handful in life). When coming away from them it can feel like you loved an illusion, that you were not loving them and more. Total doubt re: love. The truth is that they are lovable. If I can distill one single piece of advice it would be that in a world which does not listen, the one way you can help both her and you is to do just that: listen. Listening is the first and most important step in love. Listening is the most important step towards relationships of any kind. Something so fundamental that was so much denied in their youth. If you listen they may know you care. The great thing about care is that its contagious. Its beautiful and viral. Your care and attentiveness can be warmth for them. Some day they may each blossom into that warmth ray of light and may warm others along in life journey. We all have it in us.

Just be patient. And realize that if you fall, you can get back up. I cannot count how many times I have fallen down to climb back up. Dust yourself off, take a breather, realign with your goals and objective for recovery/better life/and go for it. You have good days and bad. Neutral days and absent ones. But as other posters say, baby steps...

I hope to generate more positive in life than negative, so thats where I am coming from.

I hope I can lend an ear or word to HPD, non and others alike once in awhile.

Pain sucks. No one denies that. And everyone suffers it. We just suffer different types, depending on which side of the fence we are on. But we still suffer, as do they. No ones pain is greater, more deserving or otherwise: just take the facts of human suffering. That enough is reason to try to help one another. (I am not saying to give it your all; if you are damaged from an HPD relationship then I absolutely think healing is essential, first, before you can help others)

Love and peace to all. May angels lift your pain and watch over you.

Watchman

You are at the calm and mindful place I am trying to get to. In between the words of your post I can see you farther on up the trail, waving at all of us, encouraging us on in the midst of our fatigue and sorrow.

Thanks
Orion

OMG! That is so beautiful and inspiring to all I would think.

Not olnly for the NON's who long for the peace and forgiveness you're able to express here, that true sense of closure and healed spirit; but also for us (HPD's) who cling to the hope of wellness, who want to be that strong, confident, peaceful girl in your dream...

I especially like this part here:

We are not our hopes dreams or emotions, but our actions and only that.

It reminds us that it takes more than wanting and wishing to reach our goals, it shows us that we must WORK to get there and it's only way it's ever gonna happen.

I think too many of us for get that sometimes (by us I mean EVERYONE) we sit far too long of the pensive end of the spectrum and not near enough time of the working end of our healing.

Brilliant post! well written, well related and well done!!!!

All the Best 2 You
~Alice

Thanks for the posts, guys! I wanted one thing I would like to say about the trail/journey to recovery (for both HPD and nons alike).

I think the best analogy is those automated conveyor belts at the airport. You know the long ones that run down the hallways. I forget the names! The ones that the lazies stand on haha. (Cmon, running in airports is far more fun)

As long as you are honest with your self, have self reflection and observe that you are ON that people-mover, that is all you need. It does the rest of the work for you (you don't fall off, or have to give it directions.)

I think much of the recovery from HPD, PD, and the mental turmoil that nons suffer is similar.... being honest with yourself, observing and self reflecting and keeping on that path of being true to your core. The recovery will handle itself. There is no #123 steps to heal. But I do think therapy can help in leaps and bounds To be honest I am where I am because I let it take me here and there. I had no control over my recovery in total. I made a billion mistakes but kept on.

One of the driving forces for me was love. To have the memory of love and know that I felt it at one point and that I wanted to one day feel it again, in a genuine way, in a healthy relationship. That was all I needed to keep going. Other people will have other motivations.

Maybe that makes no sense at all. I just want you to believe in your own recovery, and to put doubts aside. That by observing yourself, having some self-reflection, and knowing that you are recovering is in itself a very powerful tool to help you adjust your behaviours accordingly and avoid doing painful or negative things.

Think how easy it is at the airport to stand on those stupid long conveyor belts. The only way you can **** it up is to not observe yourself in which case you might get dizzy or lost/confused and fall off. Staying on it is far easier than flying a plane.

Stupid analogy, perhaps. But hope it helps boost HPD and nons alike

I am posting this because I know it likely I will receive the old 'but how do I get there, what did you do' and each case is different. What is absolutely true and what I am trying to say is that recovery and 'good living' for anyone is not out of your reach. It is NO different for you as a person. It is NO less attainable. I am not selling you some crap, but just laying out the facts. Sure your PATH and journey will of course be different, but there is no person in this world who cannot get to where someone else is with enough time, faith, and drive. And someone to believe in them. So always remember I am always believing in you no matter what you do. I don't care if you get raelly angry and kick a cat some night. Of course I would be angry, but I would never hate you for it or write you off.

Stay honest, stay positive, stay authentic to your core self and what you truly want. I hope you all have a better day tomorrow than you did today. And the subsequent day, and for all the days thereafter.

Watchman,

What was your original user name? I would be interested in reading your story.

I am fairly far along as well and took a break from posting. Time helps for sure. pain and the anger are gone, just the memories remain.

The one year anniverary of my breakup, sort of brought back some old memories. So decided to post a bit, to work through it and help out. I will probably stop again soon, and leave it all in the past for good. Nice to share our experience though, and great therapy..... to see how far we have come.

If you don't want to share your old user name, I will understand.

Regards

C&H

I had no username and did not post here before. I have read numerous threads all of which I could relate to in some shape or another.

I don't know how long I will be here, to be honest. I felt it important to post what I did. But I might leave it at that and just leave. It's healthier that way, ya know?

It is healthier..no question.

But you know what.

It feels good to help on a topic you know so much about and lived, but from a common sense point of view. No matter which side of the fence your on. You seem like the type that can help. as long as you can take it in perspective.

I didn't mean to get back into posting, but my heart goes out to both parties. Seems I am the only Non on here, from the past giving back. I feel I owe something, and if I can make a difference, it was all worth while. My experience changed me, and I am no longer niave. It's no longer about me!

Can you help?

I really think they need non's here that care, with no motive, they can trust and support them. Might seem strange, but the more we know of something and truely felt and understand the more we can help others. Really it feels good.

No motive, just the interest and satisfaction, we help someone make life better for themselves. Whether HPD or not. Whether a Non or Not...

Help them.

Make something good out of something bad.

Sort of like MADD.

I don't know if you relate to that are not. You would be an asset here. For both those suffering. "Wisdom", cannot do it all on his own.

If you can't handle it , I understand.

I see what you are saying and agree.

For the longest time I wanted to post, but I knew deep down my motive was, in part, to understand HPD better and hopefully get back. You know? That hard-to-let-go feeling that motivated me even at a lower level of consciousness. That is why I have not posted for the year+ I have known about this place.

I have walked around oblivious to relationships and love since then and I can handle life EASY because I have written off relationships altogether, if that makes sense.

Today I was walking with an older friend and felt rather depressed at the idea of love (we were discussing relationships, love). The idea I once had. Coming to the realization awhile ago that love comes and goes, and its temporal. It's just not something I can accept. And yet while discussing the HPD no longer makes me want her back, it makes me want love, again.

It's a weird door to open to say the least, if that makes sense.

I have remained detached since. I had a short relationship but paid no attention and put no effort in.

I think I have little to offer other than the facts that it (pain) can get better, and that no one in life is a write-off. If those two pieces of knowledge are contributed perhaps my task is done! Anything else might be dwelling.

Thanks for the words, though.

Sad really...

You lost trust, just like her.

I guess we all have to get over that...HPD or not.

The best thing to happen to me, is that no matter how much I lost trust. I rebuilt it. Someday, you will too.

Too bad you haven't got there yet or even trust yourself to trust another.

I am sorry I even wrote this, but understand. I see it here, how the past trama can effect someone so deeply. The whole point, is to get over that.

I think trust is not the issue. Those who are solid in my life are solid.

Anyhow this thread is far off topic. I just want people to remain positive in healing, and knowing that there is life beyond HPD (both those who suffer HPD and the nons alike).